That's more like it!

I am so unbelievably happy right now. I'm sitting in what will eventually be my teams new site office. Right now it's just me, my music, and the most amazing view you could ever hope for. I've moved a desk over to the floor to ceiling windows and I'm looking at the giant 4 Times Square sign. 47 stories up baby! Which means I'm ill placed should another terrorist attack go down, but hey. I live in the moment.

Happy, sober, and starting to get the hang of this life business.
Ingenue

'Ello.

I haven't much to say but I thought I'd keep the space alive. Alive with the sound of hormones....:) Spring is hitting me hard in the lady bits and the Universe has been offering me plenty of potential partners to fantasize about. Much like a man I am absolutely incapable of sustaining regular brain activity with all the increased blood flow to my nether regions. So if I blather, please forgive.

He was freaking gorgeous! 6'2", Ryan Phillipe look alike in a leather jacket and a hot ass fedora which was precariously perched on his knee while the speaker rambled. I normally don't stick around for that particular meeting, but, Dear Sweet Holy Herbie am I glad I did. I was up and milling about in the back when he sat down in the chair next to mine. He was one of those lounge-y types who sort of sprawled out in his space. Usually that sort of thing annoys the shit out of me. But if it meant his knee edging closer to mine? Sprawl away, my boy! At one point something strange was going on with the speaker and he slowly looked over his shoulder and smirked at me. It was that knowing smirk, the kind only fellow alchies can exchange. It was a smirk that said,"Oh, it's going to be one of those qualifications, is it?" It was a smirk that also might have been saying, "One of these days you and I are going to fuck until your ears pop. You don't mind, do you?" Anyways, he smirked, and I swear to you, I shivered.

And there it was. My missing mojo back in action. Did I get his phone number? Did I blow him in the bathroom? Nah. That was not the point of his presence. I think the divine reasoning of that little encounter might have been running more along the lines of, stop making yourself crazy with these overly serious dating shenanigans! Follow your loins and unburden your heart! It is not that flipping deep, girl! (Yes that is my Higher Power's vernacular. This is the God of my choosing. Piss Off, please. :)

Whatever it was, it was truly delicious. Mmmmm, yes please!

Ingenue

Fellowship...

Gemini Horoscope for week of March 20, 2008
It's an excellent time to seek out new allies, expand your social network, and make connections with influences that will motivate you to grow smarter and stronger. Here are the kinds of connections you might want to be on the lookout for: 1. hard workers who find everything funny; 2. down-to-earth idealists who place no emotional value on having expensive possessions; 3. nerds who are cocky in mysterious ways; 4. humble perfectionists who obsess over the integrity of every little thing they do and then mock themselves for being so conscientious; 5. couples who hold hands and jump into big puddles with their nice clothes on; 6. sympathetic listeners who will kindly kick your ass if you need it.

........

I hate boys! Freaking cock-sure cunt ass motherfucker bastards! Off with your heads! Both of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew.

I feel better now.

Fuck me, I'm dating.

I think I am, in any case. What I mean to say is, I met a really great guy and we had an amazing dinner. And then we had great coffee/convo, we even went to a bar. He had a Guinness. I had a Diet Coke. We kissed outside the train station and he asked to see me the next day. I went over to his place and we watched two movies, ate another amazing meal, and enthusiastically made out. And now, nothing.

I am aware of Mainstream Society's "dating rules" but honestly, I've never really been fucked to follow them. I mean, I am an alcoholic. There aren't many perks with this disease but wanton, drunken promiscuity definitely eliminated the need for small talk. And the Blackout/Shame Spirals the next day didn't leave much to the imagination as to why there was never a morning after call. I have an educated guess.

Every once in a while even the most sloppy of girl drunks will cross paths with a boy every bit as destructive as she is and then you have Co-Dependent Alchoholic Co-Habitation. Works a treat! People can hang onto this sort of arrangement for years. It's usually very on/off but who's counting when you have someone willing to stick around and be the whipping boy to your suppressed rage? Have you ever had a drunken fistfight with your s/o followed by sloppy make-up sex and a nice deep black out? There's nothing to match the bonding moment of waking up with your partner in crime, both of your memories mysteriously wiped clean, wondering out loud together why the sofa in now wrong side up in the bathtub. Good shit, my friends. Good shit.

But this is no longer my modus operandi. I'm sober and one of those bad-boys I used to obsess over would likely scare the bejesus out of me today. So I'm dating. And it blows! I'm not proud to say I'm obsessing over a return text message, but there it is. It's terribly distracting. Also, the swoon of sober infatuation feels frighteningly close to some sort of high. And the problem with getting high? The law of gravity says you must come down. Down, down, down.

Egads.
Ingenue

May I take your inventory please?

Sigh. SIGH. SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. It is that lovely time of the month again and I find myself thoroughly annoyed with just about every one around me. Sponsors that don't show up when they say they will and pull passive aggressive text manipulations on ya, newbies and their excuses to not go to meetings who then act like extremely un-sober peeps because they haven't been programmed. Chest-thumping male co-workers that take credit for my work and call me a "sweet little thing" when they stab my lovely back and con-artist divorce attorneys. All of you can feel free to suck it. I am completely over it right now. I am in a bare knuckled brawl with my HP right now to NOT dissolve into a pity party. Must work my program, must work my program.

And I am. I'm actually barrelling away on my fourth step which is good, attending plenty of meetings which is also good, and getting a fair share of fellowship in which is not so good. Right now I feel like I need fewer personalities and far more principles. I just do not understand how to conduct interpersonal relationships in sobriety. And right now the only thing that causes me serious drink signals is other sober people. Something is seriously wrong.

GSBF keeps telling me to not respond or act out anything when I feel transgressed upon. Restraint of Pen and Tongue and this too shall pass and all of that noise. Well....,ok. I guess if it works for you it should work for everybody. That was snarky, I know but that's just where I am right now. Not writing an email to a person to let them know I'm pissed off does not change me being pissed off. Not being able to tell people to get out of my ass and work their own programs does not give me more personal space. And I am a Champion Grudge holder, seriously, you should see the state of my Inventory. Holy Christ, it's getting pretty hairy.

Anyways, here I am doing this really deep nasty inner work where I am trying to acknowledge the hidden motives within me and the oogliness bouncing around my psyche. All of this stuff is at the forefront of my mind and I just have no patience for other people projecting on me. And I'm not allowed to say anything about it. I'm not well, my friends, not well at all. I'm just going to keep working and pray I come out the other end. Until then, I do plan on keeping bystanders at arm's length. I do NOT need an audience for the work I'm doing right now. Sorry.

TIME = Things I Must Earn,
Ingenue

And again,

Gemini Weekly

Before you attempt a quantum leap of faith over the yawning abyss, please remove your 500 pounds of defense mechanisms first. Your success in soaring the whole distance will require you to be free of emotional baggage. As long as you fulfill this simple prerequisite, I'm in favor of you risking the transition. It's about time you summoned more zeal to follow the path with heart, even if that path resumes on the other side of the great divide.

Amen.

Gemini For March 13:

Today begins a period of self-reinvention. Some of you are rethinking your career path and goals, while others are considering a number of personal commitments. If you've been a very public person until now, you may pull back from the spotlight while you figure out what your next act should be. Others seem extremely interested in your activities, appearance, friends and thought process. Each time you encounter another's industrial-strength curiosity, you treasure your privacy even more than you did before. Although you may find yourself being pushed onto center stage, you'd rather be almost anywhere else for the time being. The irony, of course, is that everyone wants to know more about you and finds your circumstances extremely fascinating.

And I'm spent!

It's all of, what, 1:30 here? Why am I so exhausted? I'll tell you why. I woke up on time today. That, my friends, will do it. Lately I've been sleeping in an extra hour or so, at the expense of punctuality and personal grooming time but, hey. Who's counting?

I am just really, really supremely tired and I don't feel like doing anything today. But I must go to yoga after work or I fear my back and neck will explode with the tension they're holding. What I really do not need to do is go to a meeting tonight. It happens sometimes. It does happen.

Short and sweet. Can't muster up the brain cells to produce more for you. Mayhaps tomorrow.

Ingenue

Did you miss me?

My poor beloved blog! Holy Jesus, I haven't updated you in like, too long. Goes to show you how busy I am at the new job (loves it) and how much extraneous free time I had at the old (bane of my existence). Yes I am running around like a Very Important Princess but that is absolutely no excuse for leaving you hanging. Dear sweet Bloggedy Blog. I hope you're not too mad.....

Anywho, I barely know where to begin to catch you up! So much has happened in the last two weeks. Most of it is the same old shit, but there are some new developments I should probably highlight. I have a new girlfriend in the program! She's lovely. She's counting days (like really counting days, I think she just got her first week) but she's definitely coming into the rooms with some spirtual cajones. She loves all the same astrology I do and she's a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta Jones but cuter. How perfect is she? Oh I know it sounds like I'm putting her on bit of a pedestal, but I simply can't help myself. I have been so starved for another semi-normal female! I mean she's sick like we all are, but she's so delighful in her disease that I can't help adoring her. Some drunks just got it like that.

She's working really hard too. She's stepping outside of her comfort zones every day for the sake of her sobriety and that is totally inspiring to me. And boy did I need to inspired. I think I was going through some sort of four month/fourth step slump (is there such a thing?). So her presence in this life is deeply welcomed. I hope she wins all the marbles, Blog. She deserves them.

Other than that I still feel like an absolute mess with my internals. I have rage issues and unpaid debts and rage issues because of the unpaid debts and a messy dating life because I keep trying to use boys as an escape from my inside chaos. Whew! And if that's not bad enough, everytime I try to change this stuff I plan out this major psychic overhaul, bite off way more than I can chew, fall on my ass, and end up with five days of deep depression as a reward for my efforts. You know all about this stuff blog. I know, preaching to the choir, right? So unfortunately all I can really do right now is accept my disfunction and try and do any little thing in a day differently. And pray that it all adds up. Every one keeps telling me that not drinking day in day out is winning the battle, but I still feel so wrong. So less than. Like I need to change everything about myself stat. But that's not really the point is it? It's a program of self-acceptance. It's time to start accepting. That is my HP's dearest command for me and it's time to heed the call.

Anyways, I love you Blog! I've missed you more than you know, and I promise I'll write more regularly. Don't be too mad at me, kay?

xoxoxo
Me

Yoga School Says....

Everyone Deserves Music
"Everyone deserves music, sweet music. Even our worst enemies, Lord, they deserve music. Even the quiet ones in our family, they deserve music!" - Michael Franti

"Tasya Vachakah Pranavah" YS 1.27 God is Om, supreme music.

People begin a yoga practice for many reasons, often times to achieve things like a healthier body, or more relaxation. Rarely do people begin the practice to change the world, but, in fact, this can happen. We need only realize that, as Willie Wonka said, "We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of the dream". It is our dream and our music that create our reality. Modern scientific thought tells us that we are the creators of our own reality and that we are most fundamentally comprised of vibration. Understanding that vibration is simply music, and knowing that our reality comes from the way we choose to perceive things, we can undertake a yoga practice to create harmony in the music that emanates from us. We can use this to shift our perception to truly change the world! Imagine seeing the participants of a yoga class as different musical instruments in an orchestra; each one playing a unique, yet integral, part of the overall piece. As you move through sun salutations, you create a harmony comprised of each person's individual "sound". As you breathe, you create a melody, and as your hearts begin to beat in sync (which happens anytime the hearts of multiple living beings are in close proximity), you create a bass line. If we, as yogis, rally around uplifting the lives of others through our yoga practice, that is the song that we send out into the world. Our individual vibrations emanate from us just as ripples in a pond expand when a stone breaks its surface. What we think, say and do creates the circumstances around us. If we choose to think, speak, and act peacefully and compassionately, those are the vibrations we create, and our reality will be based on those very real thought forms. Yoga gives us practices, like chanting, pranayama, and asana, that will not only help to "re-tune" our instrument - the body/mind - but also cultivate the strength to be powerful voices for change in this fast-paced, out-of-sync world. We don't have to be platinum recording artists to have our voices heard. We just have to do these practices that will tune our instruments so that our music sounds clearly when we sing our vibrational "songs". Imagine your body, your mind and your speech as a song. What kind of song do you want it to be? Music has the power to change lives. You've experienced this when you connect a song to a powerful moment in your history, or if you consider John Lennon's "Give Peace a Chance" as the anthem to the anti-war movement of the '70's. But it's not just the music that plays on the radio that can influence others. The most powerful music of influence is the rhythm that comes from your heart. As you do your practice, consider the choices you've made throughout the day that have been factors in the reality you are creating. Realize that you always have the choice to be more compassionate, more kind, and more in-sync with a peaceful, non-violent reality. Know that everyone deserves music. Not just any music, but music that will inspire, uplift and work its way into our hearts so we may also have the compassion to inspire others. -- Alanna Kaivalya, March 2008