May I take your inventory please?

Sigh. SIGH. SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. It is that lovely time of the month again and I find myself thoroughly annoyed with just about every one around me. Sponsors that don't show up when they say they will and pull passive aggressive text manipulations on ya, newbies and their excuses to not go to meetings who then act like extremely un-sober peeps because they haven't been programmed. Chest-thumping male co-workers that take credit for my work and call me a "sweet little thing" when they stab my lovely back and con-artist divorce attorneys. All of you can feel free to suck it. I am completely over it right now. I am in a bare knuckled brawl with my HP right now to NOT dissolve into a pity party. Must work my program, must work my program.

And I am. I'm actually barrelling away on my fourth step which is good, attending plenty of meetings which is also good, and getting a fair share of fellowship in which is not so good. Right now I feel like I need fewer personalities and far more principles. I just do not understand how to conduct interpersonal relationships in sobriety. And right now the only thing that causes me serious drink signals is other sober people. Something is seriously wrong.

GSBF keeps telling me to not respond or act out anything when I feel transgressed upon. Restraint of Pen and Tongue and this too shall pass and all of that noise. Well....,ok. I guess if it works for you it should work for everybody. That was snarky, I know but that's just where I am right now. Not writing an email to a person to let them know I'm pissed off does not change me being pissed off. Not being able to tell people to get out of my ass and work their own programs does not give me more personal space. And I am a Champion Grudge holder, seriously, you should see the state of my Inventory. Holy Christ, it's getting pretty hairy.

Anyways, here I am doing this really deep nasty inner work where I am trying to acknowledge the hidden motives within me and the oogliness bouncing around my psyche. All of this stuff is at the forefront of my mind and I just have no patience for other people projecting on me. And I'm not allowed to say anything about it. I'm not well, my friends, not well at all. I'm just going to keep working and pray I come out the other end. Until then, I do plan on keeping bystanders at arm's length. I do NOT need an audience for the work I'm doing right now. Sorry.

TIME = Things I Must Earn,
Ingenue