May?!?!?!?! I last blogged in MAY? Yeesh. Well, I really don’t have much to say for myself other than the fact that it’s flown by. And once again, I’m at a loss as to how to update. So much has changed. I’ve really changed and whoever’s run around harping about how people never change needs to spend some time in an AA meeting or six. I’m simply not the same girl. Cue David Bowie- Turn to face the change, baby.

I was emailing a beloved girlfriend from back in the day and trying to have the same conversation. What’s going on with me? In the modern girl world you give the rundown: Seeing someone fabulous, just broke up with an asshole. Got promoted, thinking about quitting this dead end job. New apartment, hate my roommates. You know, the stuff that ends up making a life, a life. Everybody understands when you speak on these levels, and as you get older the stakes get a bit higher. I’m getting married, he’s divorcing me. I’m having a baby, we can’t get pregnant. Your women understand, they’ve been through it as well.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of these external circumstances to excuse my radical inner shift. My life these days is less about what’s been added and much more about what’s been taken away. I’m coming closer and closer to the true core of myself, and I’ve discovered some startling things about who I really am.

1. I can’t have casual sex without getting emotionally involved. For anyone who doesn’t think this is a giant epiphany please feel free to reference earlier blog entries where I was OBSSESSED with finding myself no strings attached lovers. It’s a little thing and a big thing all at the same time. Does this mean that I’m never going to date again? Absolutely not. Let’s not be rash here. I am in my sexual prime, after all. It’s just that if I do it, I need to be prepared (honestly, truthfully prepared) for what will REALLY happen. I don’t need to elaborate here do I? Is there anyone who hasn’t been through the infatuation = insecurity gauntlet?

2. I have FOOD ISSUES. I have Capital F, Capital I freaking FOOD ISSUES. And these issues revolve around what the hell’s going on in my head far more than what I’m putting in my mouth. It’s something to do with restriction and reward, a sort of psychic binge and purge mentality. When my life starts moving too fast and I flip out, the very next course of action for me is to start severely restricting calories, carbs, cooked food- you get my drift. In times when I should be really gentle and nourishing with myself, I inevitably choose to rape, pillage, and plunder my inner warehouse. The flip side of this is that when I’m spiritually well, I make fantastic food choices that please me greatly with no mental debate involved. For me, it is truly an inside job.

3. When I’m not having sex with someone, I eat a lot more.

4. This Bad-ass Ex-Rebel Chic needs her goddamn routines. End of subject. For someone who used to court chaos and mayhem on an hourly scale, this is truly a sign of some sort of sober apocalypse. I like waking up at 5am, I like working out, and then I get my meditation on. I take my time in the shower, roommates be damned, and I blow dry my hair. I catch the 6:43 train and I’m on my site by 7:06. After that all bets are off, but by God, my mornings are mine.
I still don’t like paying my bills. Sigh. Sobriety’s taking it’s sweet time with that one. However, not paying my bills upsets me far more deeply than it ever did before. When I was a younger woman I could blithely ignore eviction notices and nasty black marks on my credit report. Now if my landlord so much as gives me the side-eye in the middle of the month I’m running for my checkbook. So I am paying my bills. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Ingenue’s Electric Bill = Instant Resentment.

5. I am one Grateful Bitch. Sometimes I get shy about openly expressing my Gratitude (especially in meetings where there are buttloads of snarling, grumbly, oldtimey men) but express it I must. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve my recovery but I’m so happy it’s happened. I’ve spent a lot of my life in deep suffering and what I suffer I tend to inflict on others. My misery has brought turmoil to the lives of just about everyone around me so as I get better, they get some much needed relief as well.

I’m so fucking golden right now. I’m a basketcase and a mess most days, but I’m an honest (and hot) mess. Being me- day in, day out- kicks gorilla ass.

I’m just saying.