Well this is a fucking fabulous day. I'm eleven days off cigarettes, three days of all sugar and refined carbs, and one glorious day into my period. I actually feel like I have the flu, but what that actually is, is anybody's guess at this point.
My body is crying but my soul is flying. Somehow, insanely, no matter how bad it hurts right now I'm holding on. The truth of the matter is that I'm tired of being a smoker and frankly scared of the obvious damage I'm doing to myself. When I was younger, I could shake that shit off. I had no fears of painful and drawn out deaths, I was impervious to Quit Smoking Campaigns. I was surely unbreakable in the way that all alcoholic adolescent twenty somethings are. Now, it's all changed. I hurt in places I never hurt before. Compulsive behavior eats away at my sense of wellbeing and I know how to set my addictions aside (work those steps baby).
I'll admit that the decision to give up sugar so early into my smoking detox came as a total shock to me. Yes, I do frequently surprise myself. I've always been desperately sugar sensitive. I just don't react to the stuff like my other girlfriends do. One chocolate inevitably means 15 chocolate and a crying jag and some sort of sugar hangover the next morning. And shakiness, nervous tension, and irritabilty until I have some more. Remind you of anything?
It's always been like this, but I think smoking was somehow disrupting the full cause and effect of my sugar binges because when I quit puffing, that blood sugar ride got DEADLY. I actually passed out on my bedroom floor after I lost a fight with some Magnolia Cupcakes. Blackouts? Passing out in my clothes? REALLY? I'm sorry, but that's a little too close to active alchie-ism for my comfort. I'm going to have to tap out.
So I started reading some of the OA stuff (the resident sugar abstinence geniuses) and I identified left, right and all over the place. Although I don't have a weight problem, I have no control over the amount I eat when sugar is involved. I lie, I hide, I do all kinds of weird shit to obscure my eating habits from inquiring minds. So giving it up was a no-brainer, but still scary. No smokes, no sugar, no sanity? Is that sort of thing even possible?
Well thankfully for me, it's VERY possible. Because here I am doing it! And I feel so lovely and authentic that whatever cravings and discomfort pop up along the way, I KNOW that a cigarette and a snickers bar are not gonna make a damn thing better. Just like when I counted days....I have that same knowing.
It's totally revitalized my sobriety and I'm so proud of myself. I have no will power whatsover, but willpower in this sort of situation does you no good anyways. What's needed is willingness. And this I have in spades......
What I can't do for myself, I'm willing to let God do.
Et voila. No smokes, no sugar.
Ingenue
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