I feel amazing today. Like, really fantastic. I'm working seven days in a row, I haven't showered since Friday (it's Sunday morning), but I feel better than I have in a while. I feel cute (thanks to my favorite slouchy hat which covers up seriously grungy hair and brings the adorable all at the same time), my muscles are presently in love with me (thanks to Exercise TV) and I am happy. Fancy that!
Today is not the sort of day I would have planned out for myself. I'm technically on duty at the jobsite, but I have more freedom to wander and catch a meeting and drop off my laundry and all that happy horseshit. Yesterday I felt completely LOCKED DOWN and I had a really hard time accepting the fact that I was going to have a 13 hour workday, ON A FREAKING SATURDAY, when Times Square was just outside my door filled with happy, joyous, and free tourists who had NO FUCKING IDEA how much I was suffering mere feet away from their joviality.
This is where my head goes when I am in Active Resistance Mode. It doesn't matter what I'm resisting, form does not follow function in this case. It could be that my pedicure is taking too long. It could be a dinner where 10 people too many showed up, and I wanted it to be intimate and cozy. It could be a seventeen hour work day, or it could be a day off where nobody else wants to play.
Active Resistance Mode is simply me finding my body in one place, and my mind wishing it were somewhere else. I start daydreaming, and then I start mentally conniving, and then I start silently begging, and next comes the fuming. After a few hours of all of this inner dialogue I take it to the streets and start shouting at whoever I've decided Is. To. Blame. for the fact that I am being held somewhere against my will.
It's pretty fucking painful, I can tell you that much. It's an even more horrible headspace now that I rarely occupy it. I've had a taste of freedom and surrender and whenever I lock myself back up it's completely unbearable because I know all to well what's on the other side of the bars.....
Today, I surrendered to the Universe and the Universe surrendered itself to me. Off to enjoy my dirty hair and my sunlit spirit.
Construction Kisses,
Ingenue
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6 comments:
hey! Like your blog. Sounds like between alcohol addiction, possible addiction to astrology zone and otherwise healthy living we may have just a few things in common. Check out the blog I just started. http://sobervegan.blogspot.com/
laterz,
sv
Hi Ingenue,
I'm also in NYC and going to my first AA meeting tomorrow. I work in Midtown and want to go during lunch and so my options are limited, but if there are meetings you recommend, please let me know...
I'm sort of at a loss right now and would appreciate any tips!
Thanks!
JD
JD! There are amazing meetings in midtown at lunch time. I never get a chance to attend any of them because I rarely take a lunch...lol. However, 54th and Lex at 12:30 hosts the FAB City Group. I've got a few girls that go down there on the regular and the LOVE it.
Also, check out www.nyintergroup.org There's online meeting list that you can search by area and that helps greatly in dire moments.
But it doesn't matter where you go to your first meeting in the end, it just matters that you make that meeting. It's a serious miracle, I can tell you that.....
Bless-
Ing
Thanks so much, Ingenue...!
JD
JD,
How'd it go? Feel free to email me directly if you ever wanna chat.
sobergrrl@gmail.com
xoxo
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