Goddammit, Hotmail.

My Hotmail is such a perpetual source of misery for me. Emailing in general sits on top of my latest shitlist, with good reason. It is not a clear, concise method of communication but it masquerades as an easy, breezy conversation tool. Text bombing can fuck right off too. I'm so over e-bonding. I refuse to dedicate anymore time to trying to unravel obtuse emails, searching out emotional subtext and finding only inane emoticons.

For whatever reason, almost all of the difficult conversations in my life are pumped through my Hotmail. Like attracts like, you know, and I'm a busy girl who tends to avoid awkward conversations for the sake of productivity. So naturally, most of my closest relationships feature people with the exact same character defect.

It wasn't always this bad, but for the last 6 months every time I fire up my personal inbox I have this gnawing, gnashing dread in my stomach. My ex-roommate has a lot to do with this. Although I lived down the hall from him, whenever he had something unsavory to tell me, he'd email blast that shit at 8 in the morning. I'd be plugging along in my work day and I check my mail on my blackberry and all of the sudden, THERE HE'D BE. Reading me the riot act for some imagined slight, trying to make his money problems my issue, passive aggressive little shit-bombs that hit their mark every single time.

I have a low threshold for idiocy.

So I did the only mature and sober thing I could think to do. I blocked his email addresses.

The Evil One got used to getting big, firey emotional responses from me everytime he poked, so the first day that I didn't freak out via email response, he started to meltdown. He opted not to discuss the matter with me in person, that would have been a little too normal for us. Instead with three days my spam box started filling up with hundreds of emails with bizzare subject headers and Sci-Fi Sender Names. One such email, subjected: "I never stopped thinking about you" caught my attention and wouldn't let go. Upon opening it I discovered another one of the Weenie's misspelled rants.

is this your twisted version of restren of pen and tungue? why can't u be a better person? if u have to be that miserable you shold just drink, because u r a waste of sober life.

See what I mean? Charming, right?

These days the web trauma has branched out into other areas of my life My new sponsor seems to like conducting our sober business over text and email and it's just not working out for me. I send these emails out into the abyss crammed full with whatever is tanking me, and if (this is a Big If) I back it up with a text, a phone call, and another text, she may respond with a few sentences of her own. There's no eye contact, there's no back and forth, there's no body language. Everything's left up to interpretation and my alcoholic mind REELS when trying to get a grasp of another's online motives. She and I are still getting to know each other and emailing as opposed to talking in person DOES NOT A DAMN THING TO FACILITATE THAT.

(Also, you know how the bible says an eye for an eye? I firmly adhere to the doctrine of an email for an email. If I write you, hit the reply button. Common courtesy, there.)

And Facebook, don't get me started on Facebook. Facebook is born of Satan, and I think we all know that. I don't need any online social community tempting my stalker tendencies. Let those sleeping dogs lie, alright?

Basically, what it comes down to, is that I have been found guilty of making people jump through hoops to get my attention. When left to my own devices, I avoid and isolate...I bridge-burn and ignore. At some point my Hotmail kind of became like Switzerland to all of the warring factions in my life. They decided they could seek asylum in my inbox with their undetonated psychic bombs. And I've been left with the wreckage of that, an irretrievably broken relationship with online socializing.

Basically, I want to get off my computer and back into real life. This is my goal for the coming weeks. I can't change anyone else's behavior towards me, but I can def curb my own habits of avoidance! That's within my reach, baby, and I plan to bravely set foot into reality where fact is fact and fiction can be left alone.

Other than that, I'm praying, resting, detoxing, socializing, loving, healing, crying. More on that to come.

Cheers bebes,
Me