Let's try this again, shall we?

I am having a really lovely, enjoyable life experience right here in this moment. This is a good thing, because I had a fucking miserable week. I mean really goddam grueling. I could sit here and list off all of the external forces bringing me down (I blame the MAN) but the truth of the matter is, I'm miserable and I'm making myself sick. I'm hurting alot, and the more I try to make the pain go away, the worse it gets.



I've bleached myself out, I've shopped myself silly, I've starved, I've binged, I've smoked, I've caffienated, I've raged, I've withdrawn, I've worked, I've run miles and NOTHING gives me a moments peace. I just keep running faster and faster and faster.



I'm tired now. I don't want to run anymore.



So where does that leave me? If I can't live with my external pleasure traps, and I CERTAINLY can't live without them, what the hell am I supposed to do?



I'll do the only thing that can be done in a situation like this, a first step.



"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"



Unmanageable. Unmanageable?!?!?! Again? But I'm sober now! And I manage really important and stressful construction, why can't I manage my own internal shit? This can't be happening again, it can't be. And yet, here I am.



I cannot make it through my work days without making an emergency shopping stop halfway through the days.



I made myself throw up three nights ago after a sugar bender gone awry. SUGAR, Jesus Wept! I'm eating it by the pounds to alleviate the emotional turmoil inside me.



I cannot manage my emotions, I never could. I am powerless over my pain and my attempts to shove it back down. I am powerless over alcohol and my life is the definition of unmanageable. You know, I actually started admitting that last night, and ever since, my life has been noticeably nicer. Acceptance and surrender work miracles, I've known this for a while.

pow·er·less
(pour-ls)
adj.
1. Lacking strength or power; helpless and totally ineffectual.
2. Lacking legal or other authority.

I am powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over my own emotions, I'm powerless over BOYS, I'm powerless over work.

E