2/13/08
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - Jun 20)
You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love.
This is extremely good news right now, because I have dark places a-plenty swallowing me whole. I nearly relapsed last night, because I didn't pay attention to my higher power and I decided to engage in a conversation with someone who I knew I shouldn't be talking to, period. It brought me nothing but a serious case of the Crazies followed by a life threatening diagnosis of the Fuck Its. But as GSBF talked me back from the ledge (I was about to chug a beer the Weenie previously known as A had left in my refrigerator) I realized that I was going to have to dig deep into the pain right now if I have any hope of staying sober at all. GSBF told me last night that my Inner Alcoholic is dying right now, it's being killed off. And it will do anything to stay alive, like leading me away from my program and into the bed of an angry man. So I have nothing but unknown right now and if looking inward can take me out of this fear and back into my blissful loving state, count me in.
Gemini
For February 13: You are a truth detector today. No matter how cleverly another disguises his or her true motives, you see through the entire thing. You're sophisticated enough to know that this person doesn't want to admit the truth, so you play along but stop short of allowing him or her to harm you in any way. The word 'delusional' comes to mind. You may classify the person in question as delusional - and you're probably right in your assessment. When you're not tiptoeing around another grandiose fantasies that make absolutely no sense, you're privately thinking about a trip you'd love to take - a bona fide escape from your usual routine and stress.
This is true also. I know he's full of shit but I always knew that, really. I just chose to willfully ignore that fact because I wanted to be self-destructive. I need to get more interested in my own abyss and why I keep gravitating towards these misanthropic bastards when things start getting too good in my own life. But honestly, right now I can't fuck around with all the ways the Weenie is fucked up. And that man is fucked six ways from Sunday, but I nearly drank last night. So I'm not doing so hot myself. I need to pray my ass off to make it through all this is one sober piece, because right now I'm scared. Really, really scared.
Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my search for the spark that would be most likely to energize your love life, I found this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I hope that quote inspires you to shed any tendency you might have to wait for the ideal romantic situation to find its way to you. Instead, establish a habit of visualizing in precise detail the kind of love you want to give and receive. Then work on patiently materializing it.
THANK YOU. Seriously, thank you. I agree whole heartedly. And while I'm sorting out the mental wreckage left over from this disastrous coupling, I'll work to keep my heart open with the knowledge of the kind of love I'm capable of. Love that has nothing do with sex, control, or being a punching bag for some sad old man's repressed anger. Self directed, Self possessed, Self Released LOVE.
More than anything I have to find a balance between keeping going and sitting with these scary emotions before they turn into my own repressed anger (and I really don't want to become a female version of the Weenie). Better to feel unstable, crazy, and emotional now and honestly get my recovery on then try and pretend I have it all figured out and end up a basket case, relapsing Girlfriend to another Weenie. I'd rather break this pattern. I'd rather be me. I'd rather be imperfect, erratic, unstable, and LOVED little old me.
Pray for me everyone (Especially you Johno, I like the way your soul works) and don't let me get away with pretending I don't need the help. I DO. I really do.
Marching Onward and Upward through my fear,
Ingenue
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2 comments:
You know what to do, it works when we work it, it dont when we dont.
No one makes us drink, unhappy, or anything, no one has that power.
Ask for help! Action! Do not delay
If you are shakey, go to meetings, work with another alcoholic, call your sponsor, practice HALT, write a gratutude list. Any or all of these.
Thanks girl. I ended up doing all of the above suggestions and the result was beyond my wildest expectations. A speaker at meeting I was last week said, "You get the result AFTER the action, not before. If you want sober results, you're going to have to get in there and DO it."
That is so true for me. Thinking about healthy action is not the same as taking healthy action. Last night I spent the night w/my sponsor and another alcoholic with less time than me and we shared the most amazing night. My re-cap of it to come soon!
You are so right about nobody having the power to MAKE us drink or be unhappy. I've found that the importance of surrounding myself with happy, healthy people, is unparalleled however. You don't through pearls before swine and expect appreciation for it.
While know one can make you drink, misery LOVES company, and sick people will drag you down alot quicker that you can pull them up. And by you I mean me of course! :)
Thanks for the profoundly wise advice, I cannot hear those suggestions to often. They always work, they are always true.
xoxoxo
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