If you can feel, you can heal it!! (said with forced optimism)

I am such a basket case right now! And yet, it's not entirely unwelcome, I wouldn't say it's bad, it's just....odd. It is now a nightly ritual that I go home and weep for 90 minutes before going to sleep. I'm back to having to sleep with the tv on (and fitfully at best) and feeling more than a little disoriented getting ready in the morning. I am unfocused at work, my eating habits are falling apart, my digestion is utter crap, and I am vulnerable and confused. In short, I am back in early sobriety. This is exactly what I went through in the first thirty days of not drinking (actually that was much worse). I thought I was over that but not smoking has brought out the beasties.

But I've made progress! I'm much more comfortable experiencing emotions as they come up. I don't buy into the background story as much, I just feel whatever's there. And my tenacity to endure dis-comfort is amazing! Holy shit! I barely recognize myself. 5 months ago I would have totally folded by now. There is no question that I am changing before my very eyes so it's probably a good thing that I'm getting ready to go into my 4th step. Before I can really get comfortable with who I'm becoming I need to be very clear on who I've been. This is not to say that I am excited about the idea of taking my moral and sexual inventories. But I need to know. I need the clarity....

I don't have much to say, really. All is well and normalizing. I have a new crush who totally has a crush on me back. But as is always the case, the timing is not ideal. I think I'll let him take me to dinner though, can't hurt. Work is good. Yoga is necessary. House cleaning severely lacking. My home definitely looks like the inside of my psyche right now and IT AIN'T PRETTY. LOL. But I am loved and I love right back. I am grateful and strong and supported. I'm uncertain and uncomfortable in my nic-fits, but I know that I'm just where I should be. Everything is perfectly imperfect, how wonderful is that?

It's all good, my lovelies. All good.
Ingenue :)