GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY........

Dear, sweet Jeebus, did the new moon solar eclipse let me have it yesterday. The entire context of my life changed. Just about every major arena I'm playing in was affected. This morning I'm not even playing the same sport I was playing yesterday. I'm in a whole new league now...

Blow by blow:

Yesterday morning I woke up with more restless rage in me than you could shake a stick at. I had a burning desire to kick puppies, scare small children, and engage in some epic self-mutiliation. This was at 4:30 in the morning, mind you. I made myself some coffee (fairly unnecessary as I was already amped to the heavens) and hit my yoga mat. I managed about 15 minutes of asana before the alien rage beast that was inhabiting my body pulled me out of my practice. I manically paced around my bathroom straightening my hair and fussing over my makeup. Eventually I got on a train and headed into work. The anger hadn't really subsided it just transmuted into this raw, visceral anxiety. Something big was coming, it had to come, something had to change, and my spiritual recognition of this just about unglued me.

I'd love to say my day of living my life as one Giant Exposed Nerve got better, but sadly, it did not. Not until well into the nighttime anyways. The pressure got so bad that around noon I had to make an emergency sobbing phone call to GSBF. I was having recurring fantasies of storming out of the office with both my middle fingers defiantly raised. I was on the verge of nervous collapse because my male co-workers had mocked my vegan lunch choices. In short, the level of emotion I was experiencing was not at all proportionate to the stimuli.

After GSBF had talked me back from the edge I started frantically issuing a series of foxhole prayers to the Almighty. They went something like, "Please God, please, please, please just show me what you want me to do! I feel like a stranger in my own life, I don't fit here anymore, show me where you want me to go! Whatever you want, I'll do it, just take me out of this indecision, please." And wouldn't you know it? My prayers were answered within the hour. You know how they say be careful what you wish for? Well, they ain't lying.

I came back into the office somewhat recovered only to be pulled outside by The Boss. He wanted to keep it short and sweet. He thought it was time for me to move to a new job site, a HUGE job site, a scary job site. A job site where I could really make a name for myself in this topsy turvy world of construction. And you have to decide THIS WEEK and be ready to leave BY THE NEXT, you can handle that Ingenue, can't you?

And there it was. I love my co-workers and they've been good to me, but I'm stagnating on this site. Now that I'm sober there's been no way for me to escape from the realization that something is off with my career path right now. This was the perfect solution. Upward mobility within the same company. No drastic alteration, just progression.

Having said all that, it still scared the holy shit out of me. The anxiety that had been torturing me all day picked up speed and like a swarm of bees gathering together to attack, my Tension swooped in for the kill. My head popped and the only thought I was capable of realizing was, "I. Am. Going. To. Drink."

I wanted everything to slow down, I wanted a guarantee, I wanted some comfort dammit! And the only guarantee I have in my life is what happens when I drink. Everything turns to caca. Nasty, but true and unchanging.

I didn't drink. I hauled my shaking ass to a meeting and held on to my folding chair with both hands. I sat through my fear, my anxiety, my character flaws. I shared about them, I exposed them to the lights, I accepted them, and they dissolved. The whole group of us seemed to be going through similar sorts of emotional displacement (THANK YOU ECLIPSE) and the healing underway in that room was palpable. I was so grateful to be there, I was so grateful to be me, I didn't want to hide from my life anymore. I made it through to the other side and left with peace and strength that were every bit as powerful as my rage and anxiety had been in the morning.

So, here I am, pruning the dead weight from my life. It's painful and scary sometimes, but so rewarding. The reward? Getting to be me, obviously! Getting to live surrounded by this much love and support, finding the strength inside me to things I never would have dreamed of doing a year ago. This time in my life, like everything else, is beautiful and temporary. It won't be here forever, I need to savor it while it's available. I am not going to let fear drag me away from my precious experience.....and for that, Thank You Eclipse! I appreciate it more than you know....

Nothing but love,
Ingenue