Crispy crackly outside, ooey gooey center...

Yet again the eclipse let me have it. This one had a more peaceful pull, put everything got turned upside down, literally. That's right kids, I got into headstand in my yoga class. I didn't think I was ready to balance myself supported by nothing more than my forehead and forearms. But then again, when are you ever?

My day had not been the best. I had to go down to the new jobsite for an overwhelming meeting, I ate too many dark chocolate covered pretzels, but MOSTLY I was exhausted from scouring horoscopes all day long trying to decipher whether or not a Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo in my fourth house meant that I was going to come home to an unexpected Eviction Notice. My fav monthly astrologer had insinuated as much (I think her words were be prepared to move) and considering the emotional and mental acrobatics I've gone through to keep a roof over my head, the thought of losing my flat after all that gave me some serious Fuck Its.

And so I have been dreading the 20th of February since I read February's Horoscope at the end of January. And after the Eclipse on the 6th? Fucking forget it. My whole life got ish-kibibbled at that lovely little junction of the sun, moon, and earth. And that was supposed to be the good one! The only thing that was left standing was my apartment, and then she tells me that the lunar eclipse is going to bring a MAJOR ending in my physical living space. Nobody gets how badly this stressed me out. No one has understood. You probably don't understand reading this now, and honestly, it isn't the point. The point is that I've been torturing myself needlessly for an imagined future disaster, that never happened. As the day came to an end, I found myself with a certain brand of restless anxiety that I've come to know all too well in sobriety. The moment my alcoholic mind started telling me not to go to Yoga Class I knew that was exactly where I need to be. So off I went.

It wasn't my prettiest yoga class. I was sweating sooo much I worried that perhaps my endocrine system had failed during the night and no one told me. Not to mention the fact that I had just come from work so the freshly showered smell that graced me in the morning had been replaced by a potpourri of stale cigarette smoke, concrete, and coffee breath. I washed my feet so most of the work boot scent was, thankfully, lifted. As my body heat rose, so did my aroma. I didn't dig it. I could smell myself and it was a rude awakening to the reality of me. Couple this with the actual yoga we were doing and I was feeling pretty wretched. I wobbled and fell repeatedly during the ball breaking standing series and had trouble telling my left from my right in the more quickly moving vinyasa moments. So by the time headstand rolled around, I was already admitting absolute defeat. This was not my class, this was not my time to stand on my head.

Which is no bother really. If you can't do a headstand you do a half-headstand which is kind of like a down dog with your forearms on the ground. So I was all kinds of ready to have a little rest in half-headstand when the ever vigilant teacher came around and decided today would be the day I went into headstand and she would not be leaving until I did. No excuses necessary, resistance is futile.

"Pull one knee up to your chest," she said. "This is not a good idea," the voices in my head replied.

"You have to trust in this. I'm not going anywhere," says she. "Anything could happen to me here! I could fall on my ass and take you with me! What happens if I queef really loudly and the whole class laughs at me? Do you have any idea what inversions can do to a girl's vadge?" shouted my voices. And yes, sadly, this is what my ego thinks of. I am what I am.

She stayed calm. She pulled me into it. I trusted. I let go. I let myself wobble. I TRIED. And eventually I did it. And it was amazing. She kept her hands on my legs holding me up until I slowly started to stabilize and then, like a parent taking off the training wheels, she moved her hands away. And of course I immediately started teetering violently. So she put her hands back. But for roughly 4.5 seconds, on a day when nothing made me feel confident or victorious, I did something I was convinced that I couldn't do. And it was humbling and amazing.

They say that Lunar Eclipses shine bright moon lights onto areas of your unconscious so you can change them for the better. I saw myself clearly in that yoga practice. I saw what needed to change. First and foremost any girl who willfully smokes 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day and then complains that she doesn't smell nice is living in an unconscious stupor. Last time I checked one plus one still equals two, yeah? So last night I smoked my last cigarette. It's going to be demanding at times but it's doable. Just like my headstand. Whatever I have to go through to quit smoking is what I have to go through. Avoiding the nasty bits doesn't make life go away. And the longer I put it off is the longer I have to live just underneath my potential of health. So what to do?

I came face to face with my ego through this whole thing and I could see how it keeps sabotaging my soul's best efforts. Whenever something looks too hard, too difficult, too unfamiliar, I walk away from it. Or I try to compartmentalize it and define it so I can feel safer and more prepared walking into it. Life doesn't come with Cliff Notes! I committed to set my self aside in favor of spirit and that takes daily dedication and discipline. The nasty moments will make me grow so much faster than the happy moments. And eventually I'll get past the pendulum of pleasure and pain. Eventually I'll come to peace. One inelegant headstand at a time.

Your mat is a microcosm for your life. Work your shit out there first.

With all the love in the world,
Ingenue