There goes that. My hopeful nicotine recovery has died an early death basically crushing my soul and mutilating my addict ego. I promised my sponsor on no uncertain terms that if it came to it, I would pick up a cigarette before I picked up a drink. Last night, closing out my 7th day w/o a smoke, it came to that. I was faced with the unthinkable. I folded. I smoked.
My company had a HUGE conference last night where we all had a chance to hear where the company is going, where we've been, and why we are all bright shining stars in the construction cosmos. It was cool, but I was totally twitchy from my nicfits. I also was having pretty extreme blood sugar swings as I've been acting out with all manners of chemically processed sweetness. I am a severe hypoglycemic and my blood sugar is fucked Six Ways from Sunday on a good day. Sugar is not just a no no, it is the root biological cause of my alcoholism. Eating, say, a Little Debbie does basically the same thing to my blood sugar and related emotional stability as drinking a Jamesons and Diet. Of course the J&D will get me drunk, beligerent, and blacked out so that is very bad news, I fully admit this. But the point is Sugar (also known as Satan's Semen) can lead me down the same Rabbit Hole.
But I digress. The conference came complete with an open wine bar. And as I was air kissing a female account executive I got a strong whiff of her Merlot and it unglued me. Shit. I never even drank Merlot. If I had to drink wine it was always Riesling. I'm a whiskey girl first, but white wine would do in a pinch. Red always seemed too cloying, drying somehow. The same way beer would fill me up far before I was as drunk as I wanted to be, red wine would dry me out before my thirst was quenched. My cottonmouth would force me onto water and that was never what I wanted during a bender.
So here I am with wildly fluxuating blood sugar levels, nictotine cravings that have re-doubled, and a merlot aromatherapy session to boot. My mind couldn't keep up with all the simultaneous yearnings, so my body took over and I went outside, bummed a ciggie, and smoked that bastard like my life depended on it. I finished politicking at the conference and headed out to Perry Street to try and catch the tail end of the 6:00. I picked up a pack of Parliament Lights from the Deli around the corner.
I got home and called GSBF, left him a message. Same with the BabyGirl. Finally I broke down and called....wait for it....Mom. My mother is not an alcoholic but she's becoming a black-belt in Alanon since I dried out. She's known this was a long time coming, however, so she's been psychically preparing her Recovery Arsenal for eons. Also, she speaks my language. Like GSBF she's spiritually centered in compassion and awareness and the healing power they bring. I understand what my Mom says, I may not always like it, but I get it at the deepest levels of my being.
It all poured out of me, as it is wont to do when one is sobbing hysterically to one's Mother. I told her how overwhelmed I felt with the magnitude of my addictions, how desperately I wanted to be healthy and free. How far away that felt. I told her about my filthy apartment and how I felt incapable of maintaining a normal and ordered life. How much I loved Yoga but couldn't seem to get my shit together in the morning (clean yoga clothes, yoga mat, and shaved armpits) to be able to do it during the workweek (when I really FUCKING need it). How quitting smoking made me binge on sugar and caffiene and now I feel comatose and despondent. I took a really deep breath and was just getting ready deliver the second onslaught of my self-pity when my mother interrupted me.
"I have two things to say Darling and then, if you must, feel free to continue. Firstly, I have never in my life known anyone as sensitive to sugar as you are. If you've been binging you're going to have to accept that your mind and body are still reeling from that. You're going to feel depressed, there's nothing you can do about it until your blood sugar straightens out."
"I know that Mama, but...."
"SECONDLY, the only way to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing the dishes is to do the dishes."
"Excuse me?"
"You are absolutely right that you were completely incapable of maintaining an ordered life while you were drinking. But you aren't drinking anymore baby! You have no idea what you're capable of now and you'll never know if you don't try out new habits and patterns. Honor yourself for the six days without cigarettes. That's amazing. Take a deep breath, hang up this phone, and do your dishes. It'll change your life. And you can call me back after that if you need to. I love you."
"I love you too Mama." We hung up and I looked at the clock. 9:15. I'm supposed to be getting to sleep now. But I know that's not going to happen, I'm too upset. But I NEVER clean after work! My days are too long! I clean on the weekends, when I have the time. Except I don't do that anymore either, I usually don't feel like it. And then it hit me, that's her point. Take the feelings out of it and do it.
I turned up my ipod and slowly went about the business of de-funking my kitchen. I sang, I scrubbed, I danced a little. Before I knew it the kitchen was clean and my heart was noticeably lighter. I cleaned into the living area and got all the trash up, put my dirty clothes in the hamper, and changed the sheets on my bed. I swept the floors. I burned incense. I stood on my head for a little bit and then climbed into my bed to survey my work.
My apartment looked and smelled gorgeous. And it was 10:00 on the dot. For all of my excuses about not having time and even as nasty as my apartment was it only took me 45 minutes to do a fairly sizable overhaul. Hmmm! And Mom was right, cleaning is a brilliant place to put nervous energy.
You get the result after the action not before. The only way for me to know what I'm capable of is to keep pushing my boundaries. And it's the little actions in a day that are going to keep me happy and sober. No grandiose sweeping declarations of miraculous turnaround needed. Don't drink. Go to meetings. Do your dishes. Love your yoga.
Keep. It. Simple. Sweetie.
Ingenue
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
If you can feel, you can heal it!! (said with forced optimism)
I am such a basket case right now! And yet, it's not entirely unwelcome, I wouldn't say it's bad, it's just....odd. It is now a nightly ritual that I go home and weep for 90 minutes before going to sleep. I'm back to having to sleep with the tv on (and fitfully at best) and feeling more than a little disoriented getting ready in the morning. I am unfocused at work, my eating habits are falling apart, my digestion is utter crap, and I am vulnerable and confused. In short, I am back in early sobriety. This is exactly what I went through in the first thirty days of not drinking (actually that was much worse). I thought I was over that but not smoking has brought out the beasties.
But I've made progress! I'm much more comfortable experiencing emotions as they come up. I don't buy into the background story as much, I just feel whatever's there. And my tenacity to endure dis-comfort is amazing! Holy shit! I barely recognize myself. 5 months ago I would have totally folded by now. There is no question that I am changing before my very eyes so it's probably a good thing that I'm getting ready to go into my 4th step. Before I can really get comfortable with who I'm becoming I need to be very clear on who I've been. This is not to say that I am excited about the idea of taking my moral and sexual inventories. But I need to know. I need the clarity....
I don't have much to say, really. All is well and normalizing. I have a new crush who totally has a crush on me back. But as is always the case, the timing is not ideal. I think I'll let him take me to dinner though, can't hurt. Work is good. Yoga is necessary. House cleaning severely lacking. My home definitely looks like the inside of my psyche right now and IT AIN'T PRETTY. LOL. But I am loved and I love right back. I am grateful and strong and supported. I'm uncertain and uncomfortable in my nic-fits, but I know that I'm just where I should be. Everything is perfectly imperfect, how wonderful is that?
It's all good, my lovelies. All good.
Ingenue :)
But I've made progress! I'm much more comfortable experiencing emotions as they come up. I don't buy into the background story as much, I just feel whatever's there. And my tenacity to endure dis-comfort is amazing! Holy shit! I barely recognize myself. 5 months ago I would have totally folded by now. There is no question that I am changing before my very eyes so it's probably a good thing that I'm getting ready to go into my 4th step. Before I can really get comfortable with who I'm becoming I need to be very clear on who I've been. This is not to say that I am excited about the idea of taking my moral and sexual inventories. But I need to know. I need the clarity....
I don't have much to say, really. All is well and normalizing. I have a new crush who totally has a crush on me back. But as is always the case, the timing is not ideal. I think I'll let him take me to dinner though, can't hurt. Work is good. Yoga is necessary. House cleaning severely lacking. My home definitely looks like the inside of my psyche right now and IT AIN'T PRETTY. LOL. But I am loved and I love right back. I am grateful and strong and supported. I'm uncertain and uncomfortable in my nic-fits, but I know that I'm just where I should be. Everything is perfectly imperfect, how wonderful is that?
It's all good, my lovelies. All good.
Ingenue :)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
For you...
ST THERESA'S PRAYER
May today there be peace within. May you trust God/dess that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God/dess.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
May today there be peace within. May you trust God/dess that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God/dess.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
Real Women Wear Hard Hats.
Otherwise known as:
Day 6 with No Ciggies
Holy Jeebus, I do believe I've quit smoking! There have been some ugly moments in there for sure but following the advice of one of the Oldtimers, I made up my mind to go through whatever I had to go through. I also like the Nic-Anon mantra of "The cravings will pass whether you smoke a cigarette or not." That's helped. Overall, it's been pretty by the book. The first 72 hours were when the cravings were the worst. After that they got manageable but repressed emotions started popping up for review. On Sunday night I got hit with a wave of grief so palpable I felt like someone had just informed me of my mother's untimely death. It was that real. I just couldn't stop crying, so I hit my knees and prayed for guidance. I've heard that this sort of thing happens, grieving for Drugs and Alcohol like they're real people, but this was a first for me. After the spell passed I climbed into bed and scraped together whatever hours of sleep I could manage before work.
Which leads me directly into: My Promotion. On Day 2 of No Ciggies, The Powers That Be called me in to discuss my permanence within the company and matters of monetary importance. In laymen's terms, I got a raise and a new fancy title. It was actually really nice (although it stressed me out and gave me 45 nic-fits in quick succession) and I felt very appreciated and supported. There was one quick moment of internal hilarity when The Big Guy said, "We have a new policy for new hires. You don't mind submitting to a drug test and a background check, do you?" My soul smiled at that one. For the first time in a long time a drug test is no problem. Background check? Meh. There could be anything on there, really. I've turned that one over to my HP. They don't want to lose me and if I have to explain embarrassing incidents, I will. Honestly, I have no idea what could be there. No arrests, but my credit report is nearly criminal. And given the fact that I'm getting ready to start my 4th step I'm feeling extremely grateful that their not hiring me off of the contents of that!
I very much need to buy some new work clothes yet I find myself competely unwilling to go shopping. And the times I have dragged myself out to go shopping I have been so reluctant to lay down my credit card and commit to my purchases. Where is my gender given "shop till you drop" gene? Can they revoke my ovaries for this? I have money and I have genuine need of new clothes. What is my damage here? I even know exactly what I want to get. I'm working out a new personal style I like to call "Construction Chic". This, for me anyways, is the ultimate fusion of functionality and fashion. (I've put alot of thought into this, can you tell?) I'm going to be on a REAL DEAL construction site so I need to be dressed appropriately. Work boots, khakis or cargos or corduroys, hard hats, all of it. I've found that Uggs can easily be substituted for Timberlands with no drop in comfort or stability, and Gap Wide Leg khakis make for sturdy yet feminine work pants. After that all I need are a few new sweaters and hoodies because the site is unheated and BALL FREEZING this time of year. See how crazy this is? I even have my purchases picked out and I won't buy them. Hmmm.
That's really it. I'm still working on synthesizing all areas of my life. Sobriety, Work, Yoga, Play, and Love are all demanding equal amounts of my time. My life is close to being synchronous, but I have to remind myself continuously that it is a Day at a Time. I have the most power for change available to me in this day, this moment. I can't believe I'm about to type this BUT as long as I do my damndest to make each day better than the last, I'm on the right track. And with that incredibly cheesy sentiment expressed, I'm out.
Hoping all is well and off to read Johno's 4th step blog entries!
xoxo Me
Friday, February 22, 2008
Holy Hell! I got out just in time....
July, August, September 2002
HEALTH
Smoking Yogis, Beware!
Pranayama increases the dangers of cigarettes
By Dr. Swami Gitananda, India
When I was just a school boy, cigarettes were referred to as "coffin nails." Every puff was another nail in the coffin. We were aware even then of the dangerous effects of tobacco upon health, but at that time, in the early 1940s, there was not much factual evidence. Today, there is.
Yet surprisingly, cigarette smoking has actually increased. Billions of dollars are being spent trying to find a cure for cancer without any regard for its cause. We want our bad habits and good health, too. It can never happen, for we are defying nature's laws. If we remove the causes of disease, we can have natural good health. Some of these causes are difficult to remove because they are created by impure air, pollution from industry and motor vehicles. But we can always stop smoking.
Many sincere yoga students believe that they can continue to smoke cigarettes and offset the harmful effects by doing extra pranayama (breath control). This is a dangerous assumption. Pranayama opens up new cells to atmospheric air. These young, tender cells may be more vulnerable than the older, more resilient, cells. Pranayama may actually be more dangerous for cigarette smokers. This is particularly true if one feels drowsy after doing pranayama. Or, after smoking a cigarette that "used to give them a kick," they now experience a let-down. The condition is popularly referred to as "shirt pocket poisoning." More technically, it is "carbon monoxide suffocation."
The carbon monoxide in the cigarette smoke displaces the oxygen in the lungs, creating a poison, causing chemical suffocation. Among the detrimental effects of this suffocation are a hazing of the mind, drowsiness, a reduction of visual sharpness, a slowing down of reflex reactions, an increase of blood pressure and, among longer range effects, hardening of the arteries. Nausea and dizziness often accompany these reactions, indicating a reduction of the output of blood from the heart.
In the normal metabolism of bodily processes, carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide are created when hemoglobin gets broken down in the blood. Normally, in a healthy nonsmoker, less than one percent of this hemoglobin gets broken down each day. But in the light smoker it's about three percent, and in a heavy smoker eight percent or more.
Above the one percent range, a slowing of thought as well as feelings of being tired and lethargic are observed. When a three percent level is reached, visual sharpness is impaired and acute sensitivity to light is experienced. It may here be noted the relationship between blood impurity and the increased need for eye glasses. At five percent the skin appears to be shallow and often takes on an ashen or dusky hue. Babies born to women in this grouping already have a bloodstream set for all the diseases associated with addiction to nicotine. The child is actually born with the craving, and his or her skin often reflects the toxic state of the mother.
At seven percent, heart disease is a corollary. Susceptivity to any condition considered epidemic is suggested by a reading of twelve percent or more. Here the blood vessels are heavily coated with cholesterol, inviting disease into the body. Cigarette smoking reduces the blood flow, but raises the blood pressure.
There is a dangerous trend among modern yoga teachers to separate one's lifestyle from yoga. Immoral persons who indulge in bad habits and pose as experts in pranayama and meditation call themselves yogis simply because they have a flexible body. This is an obstruction to spiritual life.
Dr. Swami Gitananda was a yoga teacher in Pondicherry, India, the author of 25 books and publisher of Yoga Life, a journal still continued today. He passed away in December, 1993, at 88.
HEALTH
Smoking Yogis, Beware!
Pranayama increases the dangers of cigarettes
By Dr. Swami Gitananda, India
When I was just a school boy, cigarettes were referred to as "coffin nails." Every puff was another nail in the coffin. We were aware even then of the dangerous effects of tobacco upon health, but at that time, in the early 1940s, there was not much factual evidence. Today, there is.
Yet surprisingly, cigarette smoking has actually increased. Billions of dollars are being spent trying to find a cure for cancer without any regard for its cause. We want our bad habits and good health, too. It can never happen, for we are defying nature's laws. If we remove the causes of disease, we can have natural good health. Some of these causes are difficult to remove because they are created by impure air, pollution from industry and motor vehicles. But we can always stop smoking.
Many sincere yoga students believe that they can continue to smoke cigarettes and offset the harmful effects by doing extra pranayama (breath control). This is a dangerous assumption. Pranayama opens up new cells to atmospheric air. These young, tender cells may be more vulnerable than the older, more resilient, cells. Pranayama may actually be more dangerous for cigarette smokers. This is particularly true if one feels drowsy after doing pranayama. Or, after smoking a cigarette that "used to give them a kick," they now experience a let-down. The condition is popularly referred to as "shirt pocket poisoning." More technically, it is "carbon monoxide suffocation."
The carbon monoxide in the cigarette smoke displaces the oxygen in the lungs, creating a poison, causing chemical suffocation. Among the detrimental effects of this suffocation are a hazing of the mind, drowsiness, a reduction of visual sharpness, a slowing down of reflex reactions, an increase of blood pressure and, among longer range effects, hardening of the arteries. Nausea and dizziness often accompany these reactions, indicating a reduction of the output of blood from the heart.
In the normal metabolism of bodily processes, carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide are created when hemoglobin gets broken down in the blood. Normally, in a healthy nonsmoker, less than one percent of this hemoglobin gets broken down each day. But in the light smoker it's about three percent, and in a heavy smoker eight percent or more.
Above the one percent range, a slowing of thought as well as feelings of being tired and lethargic are observed. When a three percent level is reached, visual sharpness is impaired and acute sensitivity to light is experienced. It may here be noted the relationship between blood impurity and the increased need for eye glasses. At five percent the skin appears to be shallow and often takes on an ashen or dusky hue. Babies born to women in this grouping already have a bloodstream set for all the diseases associated with addiction to nicotine. The child is actually born with the craving, and his or her skin often reflects the toxic state of the mother.
At seven percent, heart disease is a corollary. Susceptivity to any condition considered epidemic is suggested by a reading of twelve percent or more. Here the blood vessels are heavily coated with cholesterol, inviting disease into the body. Cigarette smoking reduces the blood flow, but raises the blood pressure.
There is a dangerous trend among modern yoga teachers to separate one's lifestyle from yoga. Immoral persons who indulge in bad habits and pose as experts in pranayama and meditation call themselves yogis simply because they have a flexible body. This is an obstruction to spiritual life.
Dr. Swami Gitananda was a yoga teacher in Pondicherry, India, the author of 25 books and publisher of Yoga Life, a journal still continued today. He passed away in December, 1993, at 88.
How do you spell s-y-n-c-h-r-o-n-i-c-i-t-y?
TUT... A Note from the Universe
From: The Universe (light@tut.ccsend.com) on behalf of The Universe (theuniverse@tut.com)
Sent: Fri 2/22/08 3:19 AM
To: xxxx@hotmail.com
It's not that some people in your life are just mean- spirited, shortsighted, and ignorant, Ingenue, it's that they're grand, brilliant, and magnificent. Fellow adventurers who, at the peak of their glory, in worlds before this one, asked to dance with you in time and space, however briefly, so that they might learn a bit faster than otherwise.
And you know how you love healing. (OMG! Healing others to heal myself. AGAIN! I think the universe is trying to tell me something here.)
In the presence of greatness,
The Universe
This keeps happening! Every time, EVERY TIME, I pray for guidance I read or hear something unbearably appropos to my current dilemmas. Even w/o conscious prayer it happens 95% of the time I go to meetings. Invariably the speaker will deeply address whatever's been tormenting me for the day. No pre-meditation needed. Welcome to the wonders of living with a higher power.
I feel like I shouldn't be as awestruck as I am by all of these deeply spiritual comings and goings. After all, I've done some sort of yoga on and off for almost ten years! Also, in my early twenties I use to wear bindis over my third eye with no sense of irony whatsoever. Clearly I am openminded in regards to the spirit. Then again...
I'm doing my Second Step reading right now and there were three chapters (three chapters for one step! That ain't right) to get through, the final one being for the agnostics. Ah yes, the agnostics. That hopeless bunch who utterly rebel at the thought of needing a "spiritual solution" complete with the requisite "higher power" to recover from their alcoholism. Thank heavens I'm not one of those sorry bastards. Things are bad enough as they are. And yet. I'm a liar if I say I didn't identify. In fact the whole chapter is streaked with neon highlighter memorializing the points that hit home.
Even if I didn't self identify as an agnostic I was certainly living the life of one. And sometimes the hardest ego to crack is one that feeds off of a sense of pseudo-spirituality. The glamorous (and expensive) brand of spirituality; living as a raw foodist in Hawaii, doing barefoot yoga in Indian temples, paying someone hundreds of dollars to sort out the messy business of my locked up chakras-these things were how I wanted to express my spirit. You should have seen the look on my face when it became clear that my soul could only be recovered in dingy rooms sitting on folding chairs listening to homeless black men tell my story. And worse than that? My main job is to take people I despise in this life and do everything in my power to give them that which I have wanted for myself! How bad does that suck? Honestly.
But it remains the quickest and easiest way to enlightment. Even if I try to rebel my life sends me lessons from the divine to knock my punk ass back on track. Everytime I humble myself in these unthinkable ways, everytime I serve someone else's divine nature before my own, my own small petty problems evaporate. I mean they just disappear. It's really a bit freaky, but I'm learning to trust it.
Take for example my crusade to quit smoking. Being able to quit for my own health should be motivation enough, shouldn't it? You would think, but sadly, this is not so. Yesterday I spent the day looking up all of the harm my smoking does to the people, animals, and world around me. It ain't pretty. I cried looking at the animal torture that is conducted to prove WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW. Smoking kills people, so let's kill off millions of god's sweet animals JUST TO MAKE SURE that it's really that bad.
I prayed then and I pray now, God please give me the strength to be freed of this addiction. Please free me from addictions that rule my behavior and cause me to hurt my fellow men. If I can't personally help end all suffering at least guide my actions to keep me from doing harm. Do for me what I cannot do for myself.
This is day 2 of not smoking and 118 days of not drinking. Can't say I miss either one, really. Thank the cosmos for that, it's certainly none of my doing.....
Yours in Abject and Humble Devotion,
The Gratefully Dis-Illusioned Ingenue
From: The Universe (light@tut.ccsend.com) on behalf of The Universe (theuniverse@tut.com)
Sent: Fri 2/22/08 3:19 AM
To: xxxx@hotmail.com
It's not that some people in your life are just mean- spirited, shortsighted, and ignorant, Ingenue, it's that they're grand, brilliant, and magnificent. Fellow adventurers who, at the peak of their glory, in worlds before this one, asked to dance with you in time and space, however briefly, so that they might learn a bit faster than otherwise.
And you know how you love healing. (OMG! Healing others to heal myself. AGAIN! I think the universe is trying to tell me something here.)
In the presence of greatness,
The Universe
This keeps happening! Every time, EVERY TIME, I pray for guidance I read or hear something unbearably appropos to my current dilemmas. Even w/o conscious prayer it happens 95% of the time I go to meetings. Invariably the speaker will deeply address whatever's been tormenting me for the day. No pre-meditation needed. Welcome to the wonders of living with a higher power.
I feel like I shouldn't be as awestruck as I am by all of these deeply spiritual comings and goings. After all, I've done some sort of yoga on and off for almost ten years! Also, in my early twenties I use to wear bindis over my third eye with no sense of irony whatsoever. Clearly I am openminded in regards to the spirit. Then again...
I'm doing my Second Step reading right now and there were three chapters (three chapters for one step! That ain't right) to get through, the final one being for the agnostics. Ah yes, the agnostics. That hopeless bunch who utterly rebel at the thought of needing a "spiritual solution" complete with the requisite "higher power" to recover from their alcoholism. Thank heavens I'm not one of those sorry bastards. Things are bad enough as they are. And yet. I'm a liar if I say I didn't identify. In fact the whole chapter is streaked with neon highlighter memorializing the points that hit home.
Even if I didn't self identify as an agnostic I was certainly living the life of one. And sometimes the hardest ego to crack is one that feeds off of a sense of pseudo-spirituality. The glamorous (and expensive) brand of spirituality; living as a raw foodist in Hawaii, doing barefoot yoga in Indian temples, paying someone hundreds of dollars to sort out the messy business of my locked up chakras-these things were how I wanted to express my spirit. You should have seen the look on my face when it became clear that my soul could only be recovered in dingy rooms sitting on folding chairs listening to homeless black men tell my story. And worse than that? My main job is to take people I despise in this life and do everything in my power to give them that which I have wanted for myself! How bad does that suck? Honestly.
But it remains the quickest and easiest way to enlightment. Even if I try to rebel my life sends me lessons from the divine to knock my punk ass back on track. Everytime I humble myself in these unthinkable ways, everytime I serve someone else's divine nature before my own, my own small petty problems evaporate. I mean they just disappear. It's really a bit freaky, but I'm learning to trust it.
Take for example my crusade to quit smoking. Being able to quit for my own health should be motivation enough, shouldn't it? You would think, but sadly, this is not so. Yesterday I spent the day looking up all of the harm my smoking does to the people, animals, and world around me. It ain't pretty. I cried looking at the animal torture that is conducted to prove WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW. Smoking kills people, so let's kill off millions of god's sweet animals JUST TO MAKE SURE that it's really that bad.
I prayed then and I pray now, God please give me the strength to be freed of this addiction. Please free me from addictions that rule my behavior and cause me to hurt my fellow men. If I can't personally help end all suffering at least guide my actions to keep me from doing harm. Do for me what I cannot do for myself.
This is day 2 of not smoking and 118 days of not drinking. Can't say I miss either one, really. Thank the cosmos for that, it's certainly none of my doing.....
Yours in Abject and Humble Devotion,
The Gratefully Dis-Illusioned Ingenue
Thursday, February 21, 2008
And last but certainly not least....
I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 1. Hold ye tongues, naysayers. I'm in it to win it.
xoxox
Sweet Smelling Me
Crispy crackly outside, ooey gooey center...
Yet again the eclipse let me have it. This one had a more peaceful pull, put everything got turned upside down, literally. That's right kids, I got into headstand in my yoga class. I didn't think I was ready to balance myself supported by nothing more than my forehead and forearms. But then again, when are you ever?
My day had not been the best. I had to go down to the new jobsite for an overwhelming meeting, I ate too many dark chocolate covered pretzels, but MOSTLY I was exhausted from scouring horoscopes all day long trying to decipher whether or not a Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo in my fourth house meant that I was going to come home to an unexpected Eviction Notice. My fav monthly astrologer had insinuated as much (I think her words were be prepared to move) and considering the emotional and mental acrobatics I've gone through to keep a roof over my head, the thought of losing my flat after all that gave me some serious Fuck Its.
And so I have been dreading the 20th of February since I read February's Horoscope at the end of January. And after the Eclipse on the 6th? Fucking forget it. My whole life got ish-kibibbled at that lovely little junction of the sun, moon, and earth. And that was supposed to be the good one! The only thing that was left standing was my apartment, and then she tells me that the lunar eclipse is going to bring a MAJOR ending in my physical living space. Nobody gets how badly this stressed me out. No one has understood. You probably don't understand reading this now, and honestly, it isn't the point. The point is that I've been torturing myself needlessly for an imagined future disaster, that never happened. As the day came to an end, I found myself with a certain brand of restless anxiety that I've come to know all too well in sobriety. The moment my alcoholic mind started telling me not to go to Yoga Class I knew that was exactly where I need to be. So off I went.
It wasn't my prettiest yoga class. I was sweating sooo much I worried that perhaps my endocrine system had failed during the night and no one told me. Not to mention the fact that I had just come from work so the freshly showered smell that graced me in the morning had been replaced by a potpourri of stale cigarette smoke, concrete, and coffee breath. I washed my feet so most of the work boot scent was, thankfully, lifted. As my body heat rose, so did my aroma. I didn't dig it. I could smell myself and it was a rude awakening to the reality of me. Couple this with the actual yoga we were doing and I was feeling pretty wretched. I wobbled and fell repeatedly during the ball breaking standing series and had trouble telling my left from my right in the more quickly moving vinyasa moments. So by the time headstand rolled around, I was already admitting absolute defeat. This was not my class, this was not my time to stand on my head.
Which is no bother really. If you can't do a headstand you do a half-headstand which is kind of like a down dog with your forearms on the ground. So I was all kinds of ready to have a little rest in half-headstand when the ever vigilant teacher came around and decided today would be the day I went into headstand and she would not be leaving until I did. No excuses necessary, resistance is futile.
"Pull one knee up to your chest," she said. "This is not a good idea," the voices in my head replied.
"You have to trust in this. I'm not going anywhere," says she. "Anything could happen to me here! I could fall on my ass and take you with me! What happens if I queef really loudly and the whole class laughs at me? Do you have any idea what inversions can do to a girl's vadge?" shouted my voices. And yes, sadly, this is what my ego thinks of. I am what I am.
She stayed calm. She pulled me into it. I trusted. I let go. I let myself wobble. I TRIED. And eventually I did it. And it was amazing. She kept her hands on my legs holding me up until I slowly started to stabilize and then, like a parent taking off the training wheels, she moved her hands away. And of course I immediately started teetering violently. So she put her hands back. But for roughly 4.5 seconds, on a day when nothing made me feel confident or victorious, I did something I was convinced that I couldn't do. And it was humbling and amazing.
They say that Lunar Eclipses shine bright moon lights onto areas of your unconscious so you can change them for the better. I saw myself clearly in that yoga practice. I saw what needed to change. First and foremost any girl who willfully smokes 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day and then complains that she doesn't smell nice is living in an unconscious stupor. Last time I checked one plus one still equals two, yeah? So last night I smoked my last cigarette. It's going to be demanding at times but it's doable. Just like my headstand. Whatever I have to go through to quit smoking is what I have to go through. Avoiding the nasty bits doesn't make life go away. And the longer I put it off is the longer I have to live just underneath my potential of health. So what to do?
I came face to face with my ego through this whole thing and I could see how it keeps sabotaging my soul's best efforts. Whenever something looks too hard, too difficult, too unfamiliar, I walk away from it. Or I try to compartmentalize it and define it so I can feel safer and more prepared walking into it. Life doesn't come with Cliff Notes! I committed to set my self aside in favor of spirit and that takes daily dedication and discipline. The nasty moments will make me grow so much faster than the happy moments. And eventually I'll get past the pendulum of pleasure and pain. Eventually I'll come to peace. One inelegant headstand at a time.
Your mat is a microcosm for your life. Work your shit out there first.
With all the love in the world,
Ingenue
My day had not been the best. I had to go down to the new jobsite for an overwhelming meeting, I ate too many dark chocolate covered pretzels, but MOSTLY I was exhausted from scouring horoscopes all day long trying to decipher whether or not a Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo in my fourth house meant that I was going to come home to an unexpected Eviction Notice. My fav monthly astrologer had insinuated as much (I think her words were be prepared to move) and considering the emotional and mental acrobatics I've gone through to keep a roof over my head, the thought of losing my flat after all that gave me some serious Fuck Its.
And so I have been dreading the 20th of February since I read February's Horoscope at the end of January. And after the Eclipse on the 6th? Fucking forget it. My whole life got ish-kibibbled at that lovely little junction of the sun, moon, and earth. And that was supposed to be the good one! The only thing that was left standing was my apartment, and then she tells me that the lunar eclipse is going to bring a MAJOR ending in my physical living space. Nobody gets how badly this stressed me out. No one has understood. You probably don't understand reading this now, and honestly, it isn't the point. The point is that I've been torturing myself needlessly for an imagined future disaster, that never happened. As the day came to an end, I found myself with a certain brand of restless anxiety that I've come to know all too well in sobriety. The moment my alcoholic mind started telling me not to go to Yoga Class I knew that was exactly where I need to be. So off I went.
It wasn't my prettiest yoga class. I was sweating sooo much I worried that perhaps my endocrine system had failed during the night and no one told me. Not to mention the fact that I had just come from work so the freshly showered smell that graced me in the morning had been replaced by a potpourri of stale cigarette smoke, concrete, and coffee breath. I washed my feet so most of the work boot scent was, thankfully, lifted. As my body heat rose, so did my aroma. I didn't dig it. I could smell myself and it was a rude awakening to the reality of me. Couple this with the actual yoga we were doing and I was feeling pretty wretched. I wobbled and fell repeatedly during the ball breaking standing series and had trouble telling my left from my right in the more quickly moving vinyasa moments. So by the time headstand rolled around, I was already admitting absolute defeat. This was not my class, this was not my time to stand on my head.
Which is no bother really. If you can't do a headstand you do a half-headstand which is kind of like a down dog with your forearms on the ground. So I was all kinds of ready to have a little rest in half-headstand when the ever vigilant teacher came around and decided today would be the day I went into headstand and she would not be leaving until I did. No excuses necessary, resistance is futile.
"Pull one knee up to your chest," she said. "This is not a good idea," the voices in my head replied.
"You have to trust in this. I'm not going anywhere," says she. "Anything could happen to me here! I could fall on my ass and take you with me! What happens if I queef really loudly and the whole class laughs at me? Do you have any idea what inversions can do to a girl's vadge?" shouted my voices. And yes, sadly, this is what my ego thinks of. I am what I am.
She stayed calm. She pulled me into it. I trusted. I let go. I let myself wobble. I TRIED. And eventually I did it. And it was amazing. She kept her hands on my legs holding me up until I slowly started to stabilize and then, like a parent taking off the training wheels, she moved her hands away. And of course I immediately started teetering violently. So she put her hands back. But for roughly 4.5 seconds, on a day when nothing made me feel confident or victorious, I did something I was convinced that I couldn't do. And it was humbling and amazing.
They say that Lunar Eclipses shine bright moon lights onto areas of your unconscious so you can change them for the better. I saw myself clearly in that yoga practice. I saw what needed to change. First and foremost any girl who willfully smokes 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day and then complains that she doesn't smell nice is living in an unconscious stupor. Last time I checked one plus one still equals two, yeah? So last night I smoked my last cigarette. It's going to be demanding at times but it's doable. Just like my headstand. Whatever I have to go through to quit smoking is what I have to go through. Avoiding the nasty bits doesn't make life go away. And the longer I put it off is the longer I have to live just underneath my potential of health. So what to do?
I came face to face with my ego through this whole thing and I could see how it keeps sabotaging my soul's best efforts. Whenever something looks too hard, too difficult, too unfamiliar, I walk away from it. Or I try to compartmentalize it and define it so I can feel safer and more prepared walking into it. Life doesn't come with Cliff Notes! I committed to set my self aside in favor of spirit and that takes daily dedication and discipline. The nasty moments will make me grow so much faster than the happy moments. And eventually I'll get past the pendulum of pleasure and pain. Eventually I'll come to peace. One inelegant headstand at a time.
Your mat is a microcosm for your life. Work your shit out there first.
With all the love in the world,
Ingenue
Tell it like it is Yoga Journal...
Asana Column: Salamba Sirsasana (Headstand)
Strengthen your musculoskeletal system, improve respiration, and stimulate digestion—all by standing on your head.
By John Schumacher
Almost all of the articles you see about yoga these days—and there are a passel of 'em—describe how wonderful it is. They list the benefits, ranging from increased flexibility to ultimate immersion in the Great Cosmic Ooze. They describe yoga as a stress-free, painless way to well-being. But by touting only the obvious goodies, these articles not only paint an incomplete picture of yoga, they also rob it of its juice. The pleasures and benefits of yoga are indeed numerous and profound, but the difficulties you encounter in your practice are at least as important.
Ancient yoga texts stress the importance of tapas—the fiery quality of discipline and determination. One way to produce fire is friction, and the resistances that arise as you practice often provide the spark that ignites the fires of transformation. That fire is fed and fanned by your practice as you roll out your mat day after day. Every part of your life, from the most mundane to the most lofty, also rolls out for your consideration. Every time you practice, you run the risk of having your world turned upside down.
But that's true whether you do yoga or not. At any moment, your life can change forever. Whether you choose to keep this frightening truth in the forefront of your awareness or not, impermanence is a fact of life.
Long ago, yogis recognized this by making nonattachment one of the cornerstones of yogic practice. If you follow the path of yoga, you must be willing to change anything and everything in your life: what you eat, wear, and read; how you perceive, think, and act. To be truly free, somewhere along the line you have to be willing to give up the illusory security of the known and fling yourself into the abyss of the unknown.
Salamba Sirsasana (Headstand) provides an opportunity for experimenting safely with the unfamiliar and the fear it engenders. Headstand can be scary. It literally turns your world upside down. Beginners may become disoriented, unable to tell left from right and top from bottom.
But, as B.K.S. Iyengar says in his section on Sirsasana in Light on Yoga (Schocken, 1995), "The best way to overcome fear is to face with equanimity the situation of which one is afraid." Fortunately, disorientation in Headstand subsides fairly quickly. With regular practice, you can begin to experience the benefits which led the yogis to call Sirsasana the "King of Asanas."
-Yoga Journal
Strengthen your musculoskeletal system, improve respiration, and stimulate digestion—all by standing on your head.
By John Schumacher
Almost all of the articles you see about yoga these days—and there are a passel of 'em—describe how wonderful it is. They list the benefits, ranging from increased flexibility to ultimate immersion in the Great Cosmic Ooze. They describe yoga as a stress-free, painless way to well-being. But by touting only the obvious goodies, these articles not only paint an incomplete picture of yoga, they also rob it of its juice. The pleasures and benefits of yoga are indeed numerous and profound, but the difficulties you encounter in your practice are at least as important.
Ancient yoga texts stress the importance of tapas—the fiery quality of discipline and determination. One way to produce fire is friction, and the resistances that arise as you practice often provide the spark that ignites the fires of transformation. That fire is fed and fanned by your practice as you roll out your mat day after day. Every part of your life, from the most mundane to the most lofty, also rolls out for your consideration. Every time you practice, you run the risk of having your world turned upside down.
But that's true whether you do yoga or not. At any moment, your life can change forever. Whether you choose to keep this frightening truth in the forefront of your awareness or not, impermanence is a fact of life.
Long ago, yogis recognized this by making nonattachment one of the cornerstones of yogic practice. If you follow the path of yoga, you must be willing to change anything and everything in your life: what you eat, wear, and read; how you perceive, think, and act. To be truly free, somewhere along the line you have to be willing to give up the illusory security of the known and fling yourself into the abyss of the unknown.
Salamba Sirsasana (Headstand) provides an opportunity for experimenting safely with the unfamiliar and the fear it engenders. Headstand can be scary. It literally turns your world upside down. Beginners may become disoriented, unable to tell left from right and top from bottom.
But, as B.K.S. Iyengar says in his section on Sirsasana in Light on Yoga (Schocken, 1995), "The best way to overcome fear is to face with equanimity the situation of which one is afraid." Fortunately, disorientation in Headstand subsides fairly quickly. With regular practice, you can begin to experience the benefits which led the yogis to call Sirsasana the "King of Asanas."
-Yoga Journal
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
My mission, should I choose to accept it....
God, make me a channel of thy peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
God, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen.
How beautiful is that? So hard to embody but as the Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo nears I feel called back to this beautiful and high truth. I spent the month scurrying around trying to find comfort, I shouted my beliefs at the top of my lungs trying to be understood, I demanded love without being able to give it freely myself. And that was totally what I needed to be doing. I'm a trial and error sort of girl and thankfully life seems to support me in that. It's not like I get one chance to learn these karmic lessons and then it's over. They get brought up again and again and again. Alcoholics are notoriously slow learners so this is a good thing.
I think my recent entry into a more charitable frame of mind is thanks to the classes I took at Jivamukti this weekend. Holy. Sweet. Jesus. My body is sore in places I didn't know I had, and my soul is singing. My heart chakra feels, well, open. Unstruck, as the yogi's say. My heart chakra has really been putting me through it of late. For those that haven't yet, meet your fourth (heart) chakra:
Issues of love, grief, hatred, anger, jealousy, fears of betrayal, of loneliness, as well as the ability to heal ourselves and others are centered in the fourth chakra. From this position in the middle of the body the fourth chakra is the balance between your body and spirit. This chakra is the place where unconditional love is centered. Unconditional Love is a creative and powerful energy that may guide and help us through the most difficult times. This energy is available in any moment, if we turn our attention to it and use it to free us from our limits and fears.
I've been re-reading through my blogs of the last month and nearly all of the work I've been doing as been fourth chakra work. So thank the Heavens, the Earth, and Everything in Between that I finally found a yoga practice that supports that. Jivamukti is the real deal my friends. Right now I have the one week unlimited trial and I want to go every day! After that I have two free class cards which should get me through the weekend and then after that, well, it'll get a little sticky. Let's just say enlightenment is not cheap in this setting. To be able to go four/five times a week will run me about 250 bucks a month. Hmmm.
I think the perfect solution for me will be one that allows a balance between my home practice and the classes. It's just that the classes are so damn good. I feel completely transcended when I walk out of there. I feel depth and gratitude, and most noticeably, gooey giggling uncontrollable and unconditional love. Love for subway seats, love for ex boyfriends, love for questionable haircuts. It's a new sensation and I don't think I'll spend too much time trying to define it, because I'm certain this is supposed to remain a mystery. I'm cool with that, I just want to go deeper into it, you know?
So all of this brings me right back to St. Francis's prayer for peace. I think this call to surrender myself in service is perfectly evocative of the transformation underway in me. I don't need to go anywhere, do anything, be anyone else, to serve. Every day my life gives me countless opportunites to get it. Serve. Understand. Accept.
Anyways, that may look like a bit of a ramble, but it all makes perfect sense in my head. I've been opened to a new consciousness is what I'm trying to tell you. It's lovely and welcome. Maybe I should have said that at the start, eh?
Yours in absolute Yogini bliss,
Ingenue
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
God, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen.
How beautiful is that? So hard to embody but as the Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo nears I feel called back to this beautiful and high truth. I spent the month scurrying around trying to find comfort, I shouted my beliefs at the top of my lungs trying to be understood, I demanded love without being able to give it freely myself. And that was totally what I needed to be doing. I'm a trial and error sort of girl and thankfully life seems to support me in that. It's not like I get one chance to learn these karmic lessons and then it's over. They get brought up again and again and again. Alcoholics are notoriously slow learners so this is a good thing.
I think my recent entry into a more charitable frame of mind is thanks to the classes I took at Jivamukti this weekend. Holy. Sweet. Jesus. My body is sore in places I didn't know I had, and my soul is singing. My heart chakra feels, well, open. Unstruck, as the yogi's say. My heart chakra has really been putting me through it of late. For those that haven't yet, meet your fourth (heart) chakra:
Issues of love, grief, hatred, anger, jealousy, fears of betrayal, of loneliness, as well as the ability to heal ourselves and others are centered in the fourth chakra. From this position in the middle of the body the fourth chakra is the balance between your body and spirit. This chakra is the place where unconditional love is centered. Unconditional Love is a creative and powerful energy that may guide and help us through the most difficult times. This energy is available in any moment, if we turn our attention to it and use it to free us from our limits and fears.
I've been re-reading through my blogs of the last month and nearly all of the work I've been doing as been fourth chakra work. So thank the Heavens, the Earth, and Everything in Between that I finally found a yoga practice that supports that. Jivamukti is the real deal my friends. Right now I have the one week unlimited trial and I want to go every day! After that I have two free class cards which should get me through the weekend and then after that, well, it'll get a little sticky. Let's just say enlightenment is not cheap in this setting. To be able to go four/five times a week will run me about 250 bucks a month. Hmmm.
I think the perfect solution for me will be one that allows a balance between my home practice and the classes. It's just that the classes are so damn good. I feel completely transcended when I walk out of there. I feel depth and gratitude, and most noticeably, gooey giggling uncontrollable and unconditional love. Love for subway seats, love for ex boyfriends, love for questionable haircuts. It's a new sensation and I don't think I'll spend too much time trying to define it, because I'm certain this is supposed to remain a mystery. I'm cool with that, I just want to go deeper into it, you know?
So all of this brings me right back to St. Francis's prayer for peace. I think this call to surrender myself in service is perfectly evocative of the transformation underway in me. I don't need to go anywhere, do anything, be anyone else, to serve. Every day my life gives me countless opportunites to get it. Serve. Understand. Accept.
Anyways, that may look like a bit of a ramble, but it all makes perfect sense in my head. I've been opened to a new consciousness is what I'm trying to tell you. It's lovely and welcome. Maybe I should have said that at the start, eh?
Yours in absolute Yogini bliss,
Ingenue
Friday, February 15, 2008
Yoga School says.....
Ishvara PranidhanaThe Power of Surrender
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
The word "yoga" can be used in two ways: as a noun, or as a verb. In the first instance, yoga refers to our natural state of being in which we no longer identify ourselves with the body and mind, but know ourselves to be the infinite, communal life force that is present within all beings, and all aspects of the universe. It is synonymous with the state of Enlightenment, Samadhi, or God Realization. In it's second use as a verb, the word yoga refers to those practices that will help us to reach this enlightened state of being. Through the goodness and grace of his heart, Sri Patanjali, the wise sage and yoga master, compiled for us the Yoga Sutras in which he expounds on not only the state of Yoga, but the powerful yoga practices that we can use to reach that state within this lifetime! In sutra 1.23, Patanjali gives us a sure-fire way to reach the state of yoga. It is a practice called ishvara pranidhana. Ishvara is a sanskrit word that can be translated to mean supreme, or personal, God. Pranidhana means to dedicate, devote, or surrender. The practice of Ishvara Pranidhana therefore means that if we are able to completely surrender our individual ego identities to God (our own higher self) we will attain the identity of God. If we can dedicate our lives to serving the God that dwells within all other beings, human and non-human alike, we will move beyond all feelings of separateness. If we can say without reservation, "I give You myself: my body, my mind and my heart, to do with as You best see fit," then we will be freed from the stress, anxiety, self-doubt and negative karma that arises from our reliance upon our egos to determine which actions we take in our lives. Ishvara pranidhana will help to cure the afflictions of the mind that cause pain and suffering, as it is designed to redirect our energy away from our selfish desires and personal dramas, and towards the ultimate pursuit of Oneness. So important and powerful is this practice, that Patanjali gives instructions for it on four separate occasions in the Yoga Sutras. And while it is the simplest and most direct method to attain yoga, it is not necessarily an easy practice, or even an attractive option to some. In our modern, western culture, where feelings of separateness and disconnection prevail, often times we pride ourselves on being strong and domineering over others. We are used to our egos calling the shots, and giving us the belief that we are somehow in control of the universe. Because of this, the idea of surrendering is taken to mean something negative, as it implies a sort of weakness, or defeat. An army, for example, might surrender to opposing forces, rendering the opposition the victor. In yoga, however, it is quite the opposite. Victory is attained as we willingly surrender our limited idea of who we are (i.e. our name, our jobs, our problems etc.) and create the space needed to feel our true nature of Self, which is one of limitless and boundless joy. It is like trading in a grain of sand and receiving the whole universe in return. And though it requires great self discipline, trust, and faith to practice ishvara pranidhana, ultimately it will take far more effort to cling to the smallness of the ego then it will to surrender the the higher self. Within a yoga class, there are many ways to practice ishvara pranidhana, and cultivate our ability and willingness to surrender. By continuously offering up our efforts and rewards to something more than just personal gain, we are able to keep ishvara (our own personal form of God) in the forefront of our minds. By putting aside our judgments and criticisms, and following the instructions given to us in class, we learn to more easily take cue from something other than the ego. With each forward bending posture, we bow down to God in some form that has meaning to us, and with each back-bending posture, we offer up our hearts, so that we may carry out the will of the universe with every thought, word and action we take. From this day forward, let us not waste away the moments of our lives consumed with smallness, jealousy, lust, greed and false notions of superiority. Contemplate daily the Supreme attributes of ishvara as you meditate and offer yourself completely as a vehicle for Divine Will. Peace comes when we relinquish the idea that we are the "doer" and allow the infinite to guide us on our way. Let go, and Let God.
- Sofi Dillof, February, 2008
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
The word "yoga" can be used in two ways: as a noun, or as a verb. In the first instance, yoga refers to our natural state of being in which we no longer identify ourselves with the body and mind, but know ourselves to be the infinite, communal life force that is present within all beings, and all aspects of the universe. It is synonymous with the state of Enlightenment, Samadhi, or God Realization. In it's second use as a verb, the word yoga refers to those practices that will help us to reach this enlightened state of being. Through the goodness and grace of his heart, Sri Patanjali, the wise sage and yoga master, compiled for us the Yoga Sutras in which he expounds on not only the state of Yoga, but the powerful yoga practices that we can use to reach that state within this lifetime! In sutra 1.23, Patanjali gives us a sure-fire way to reach the state of yoga. It is a practice called ishvara pranidhana. Ishvara is a sanskrit word that can be translated to mean supreme, or personal, God. Pranidhana means to dedicate, devote, or surrender. The practice of Ishvara Pranidhana therefore means that if we are able to completely surrender our individual ego identities to God (our own higher self) we will attain the identity of God. If we can dedicate our lives to serving the God that dwells within all other beings, human and non-human alike, we will move beyond all feelings of separateness. If we can say without reservation, "I give You myself: my body, my mind and my heart, to do with as You best see fit," then we will be freed from the stress, anxiety, self-doubt and negative karma that arises from our reliance upon our egos to determine which actions we take in our lives. Ishvara pranidhana will help to cure the afflictions of the mind that cause pain and suffering, as it is designed to redirect our energy away from our selfish desires and personal dramas, and towards the ultimate pursuit of Oneness. So important and powerful is this practice, that Patanjali gives instructions for it on four separate occasions in the Yoga Sutras. And while it is the simplest and most direct method to attain yoga, it is not necessarily an easy practice, or even an attractive option to some. In our modern, western culture, where feelings of separateness and disconnection prevail, often times we pride ourselves on being strong and domineering over others. We are used to our egos calling the shots, and giving us the belief that we are somehow in control of the universe. Because of this, the idea of surrendering is taken to mean something negative, as it implies a sort of weakness, or defeat. An army, for example, might surrender to opposing forces, rendering the opposition the victor. In yoga, however, it is quite the opposite. Victory is attained as we willingly surrender our limited idea of who we are (i.e. our name, our jobs, our problems etc.) and create the space needed to feel our true nature of Self, which is one of limitless and boundless joy. It is like trading in a grain of sand and receiving the whole universe in return. And though it requires great self discipline, trust, and faith to practice ishvara pranidhana, ultimately it will take far more effort to cling to the smallness of the ego then it will to surrender the the higher self. Within a yoga class, there are many ways to practice ishvara pranidhana, and cultivate our ability and willingness to surrender. By continuously offering up our efforts and rewards to something more than just personal gain, we are able to keep ishvara (our own personal form of God) in the forefront of our minds. By putting aside our judgments and criticisms, and following the instructions given to us in class, we learn to more easily take cue from something other than the ego. With each forward bending posture, we bow down to God in some form that has meaning to us, and with each back-bending posture, we offer up our hearts, so that we may carry out the will of the universe with every thought, word and action we take. From this day forward, let us not waste away the moments of our lives consumed with smallness, jealousy, lust, greed and false notions of superiority. Contemplate daily the Supreme attributes of ishvara as you meditate and offer yourself completely as a vehicle for Divine Will. Peace comes when we relinquish the idea that we are the "doer" and allow the infinite to guide us on our way. Let go, and Let God.
- Sofi Dillof, February, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I am in love, in love with the Divine.....
The Nature of Divine Love
I say there is no human love. Human love, when it ceases, is not human! It's not even love! Only spiritual love exists. Place it where you may — on another human being and have a companion, a marriage if you wish, have children if you wish — but don't lose your Godhead in it.
Many a saint has gone through what is called the dark time of the soul. When despair came upon them in their hearts and they felt they were lost in the world of darkness, the saints kept their minds on the razor-edged path which leads to the goal of everlasting love and bliss. You do the same. You do the same.
Keep your mind on that goal of love. Let nothing cheat you of your love, kids. No matter what your relationship in this world. No matter what your life, your business life, your love life. Please don't be cheated of your Godhead in the midst of the world. Those seeking the world, when they come to that stage where there are disappointments, where there are despairs, they put a shield over their hearts and no longer have love flowing through. Their marriages and companionships and friendships and everything fall apart. They should not lose their love for their fellow beings. Haven't you all suffered in the night? I don't think there's one here — maybe a few, I don't know — who has not suffered through human relationships, suffered in the night, had sleepless nights, worried about losing someone, even if it be a member of the family. You can all understand what I am talking about.
-Hilda Charlton
Happy Universal Unabashed Love Day!!!!!!
TUT... A Note from the Universe
From:
The Universe (light@tut.ccsend.com) on behalf of The Universe (theuniverse@tut.com)
Sent:
Thu 2/14/08 3:20 AM
Reply-to:
fun@tut.com
To:
xxxx@hotmail.com
Love where you've been. Love where you're at. Love how you think. Love the power you pack. Love all that you seek. Love all that you feel. Love your rocking emotions and the thoughts you make real.
But mostly, amazing Ingenue, I really, really love you in this very moment.
What?
Loving you from every angle - The Universe
From:
The Universe (light@tut.ccsend.com) on behalf of The Universe (theuniverse@tut.com)
Sent:
Thu 2/14/08 3:20 AM
Reply-to:
fun@tut.com
To:
xxxx@hotmail.com
Love where you've been. Love where you're at. Love how you think. Love the power you pack. Love all that you seek. Love all that you feel. Love your rocking emotions and the thoughts you make real.
But mostly, amazing Ingenue, I really, really love you in this very moment.
What?
Loving you from every angle - The Universe
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Today's Trials
2/13/08
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - Jun 20)
You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love.
This is extremely good news right now, because I have dark places a-plenty swallowing me whole. I nearly relapsed last night, because I didn't pay attention to my higher power and I decided to engage in a conversation with someone who I knew I shouldn't be talking to, period. It brought me nothing but a serious case of the Crazies followed by a life threatening diagnosis of the Fuck Its. But as GSBF talked me back from the ledge (I was about to chug a beer the Weenie previously known as A had left in my refrigerator) I realized that I was going to have to dig deep into the pain right now if I have any hope of staying sober at all. GSBF told me last night that my Inner Alcoholic is dying right now, it's being killed off. And it will do anything to stay alive, like leading me away from my program and into the bed of an angry man. So I have nothing but unknown right now and if looking inward can take me out of this fear and back into my blissful loving state, count me in.
Gemini
For February 13: You are a truth detector today. No matter how cleverly another disguises his or her true motives, you see through the entire thing. You're sophisticated enough to know that this person doesn't want to admit the truth, so you play along but stop short of allowing him or her to harm you in any way. The word 'delusional' comes to mind. You may classify the person in question as delusional - and you're probably right in your assessment. When you're not tiptoeing around another grandiose fantasies that make absolutely no sense, you're privately thinking about a trip you'd love to take - a bona fide escape from your usual routine and stress.
This is true also. I know he's full of shit but I always knew that, really. I just chose to willfully ignore that fact because I wanted to be self-destructive. I need to get more interested in my own abyss and why I keep gravitating towards these misanthropic bastards when things start getting too good in my own life. But honestly, right now I can't fuck around with all the ways the Weenie is fucked up. And that man is fucked six ways from Sunday, but I nearly drank last night. So I'm not doing so hot myself. I need to pray my ass off to make it through all this is one sober piece, because right now I'm scared. Really, really scared.
Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my search for the spark that would be most likely to energize your love life, I found this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I hope that quote inspires you to shed any tendency you might have to wait for the ideal romantic situation to find its way to you. Instead, establish a habit of visualizing in precise detail the kind of love you want to give and receive. Then work on patiently materializing it.
THANK YOU. Seriously, thank you. I agree whole heartedly. And while I'm sorting out the mental wreckage left over from this disastrous coupling, I'll work to keep my heart open with the knowledge of the kind of love I'm capable of. Love that has nothing do with sex, control, or being a punching bag for some sad old man's repressed anger. Self directed, Self possessed, Self Released LOVE.
More than anything I have to find a balance between keeping going and sitting with these scary emotions before they turn into my own repressed anger (and I really don't want to become a female version of the Weenie). Better to feel unstable, crazy, and emotional now and honestly get my recovery on then try and pretend I have it all figured out and end up a basket case, relapsing Girlfriend to another Weenie. I'd rather break this pattern. I'd rather be me. I'd rather be imperfect, erratic, unstable, and LOVED little old me.
Pray for me everyone (Especially you Johno, I like the way your soul works) and don't let me get away with pretending I don't need the help. I DO. I really do.
Marching Onward and Upward through my fear,
Ingenue
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - Jun 20)
You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love.
This is extremely good news right now, because I have dark places a-plenty swallowing me whole. I nearly relapsed last night, because I didn't pay attention to my higher power and I decided to engage in a conversation with someone who I knew I shouldn't be talking to, period. It brought me nothing but a serious case of the Crazies followed by a life threatening diagnosis of the Fuck Its. But as GSBF talked me back from the ledge (I was about to chug a beer the Weenie previously known as A had left in my refrigerator) I realized that I was going to have to dig deep into the pain right now if I have any hope of staying sober at all. GSBF told me last night that my Inner Alcoholic is dying right now, it's being killed off. And it will do anything to stay alive, like leading me away from my program and into the bed of an angry man. So I have nothing but unknown right now and if looking inward can take me out of this fear and back into my blissful loving state, count me in.
Gemini
For February 13: You are a truth detector today. No matter how cleverly another disguises his or her true motives, you see through the entire thing. You're sophisticated enough to know that this person doesn't want to admit the truth, so you play along but stop short of allowing him or her to harm you in any way. The word 'delusional' comes to mind. You may classify the person in question as delusional - and you're probably right in your assessment. When you're not tiptoeing around another grandiose fantasies that make absolutely no sense, you're privately thinking about a trip you'd love to take - a bona fide escape from your usual routine and stress.
This is true also. I know he's full of shit but I always knew that, really. I just chose to willfully ignore that fact because I wanted to be self-destructive. I need to get more interested in my own abyss and why I keep gravitating towards these misanthropic bastards when things start getting too good in my own life. But honestly, right now I can't fuck around with all the ways the Weenie is fucked up. And that man is fucked six ways from Sunday, but I nearly drank last night. So I'm not doing so hot myself. I need to pray my ass off to make it through all this is one sober piece, because right now I'm scared. Really, really scared.
Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my search for the spark that would be most likely to energize your love life, I found this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I hope that quote inspires you to shed any tendency you might have to wait for the ideal romantic situation to find its way to you. Instead, establish a habit of visualizing in precise detail the kind of love you want to give and receive. Then work on patiently materializing it.
THANK YOU. Seriously, thank you. I agree whole heartedly. And while I'm sorting out the mental wreckage left over from this disastrous coupling, I'll work to keep my heart open with the knowledge of the kind of love I'm capable of. Love that has nothing do with sex, control, or being a punching bag for some sad old man's repressed anger. Self directed, Self possessed, Self Released LOVE.
More than anything I have to find a balance between keeping going and sitting with these scary emotions before they turn into my own repressed anger (and I really don't want to become a female version of the Weenie). Better to feel unstable, crazy, and emotional now and honestly get my recovery on then try and pretend I have it all figured out and end up a basket case, relapsing Girlfriend to another Weenie. I'd rather break this pattern. I'd rather be me. I'd rather be imperfect, erratic, unstable, and LOVED little old me.
Pray for me everyone (Especially you Johno, I like the way your soul works) and don't let me get away with pretending I don't need the help. I DO. I really do.
Marching Onward and Upward through my fear,
Ingenue
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
October 27, 2008
10/27/07, 10/27/07, 10/27/07
Must remember my sobriety date! Everyone else seems to have there's tatooed on the brain and I just had to do long division to decipher mine. So now I am burning it into my memory, so I can have it handy should anyone ask.
10/27/07, 10/27/07, 10/27/07
Must remember my sobriety date! Everyone else seems to have there's tatooed on the brain and I just had to do long division to decipher mine. So now I am burning it into my memory, so I can have it handy should anyone ask.
10/27/07, 10/27/07, 10/27/07
Friday, February 8, 2008
I finally have a weekend to my self!
And it's cost me dearly, but I frankly don't care at this point. I have a huge, repeat, HUGE week next week and all I want is time to be self-indulgent, space to be reflective, and good company surrounding me while I let my hair down. I have been far too hard on myself for the past few months and now that I have this new post-eclipse space in my life, I am going to Breathe, Celebrate, and Prepare.
The big things brewing next week are (in no particular order):
The big things brewing next week are (in no particular order):
- Final interview w/Senior Managment to discuss the new position (and new pay, yeah baby!)
- Tibetan House Carnegie Hall Concert Volunteer Meeting (Tuesday)
- Tibetan House Carnegie Hall Concert, itself (Wednesday)
- The Red Party: Sweet Love Hangover a wonderful fundraiser for Big Apple Roundup
- Touring the new Job Site and seeing just how terrible this open air, outside hoist is going to be.
It's a big week. And I have alot of personal cleansing that's overdue as well so I'm trying to remind myself to slow down. It doesn't all have to be figured out and finished right this minute. I do plan of getting my hair done (upstairs and downstairs lol), taking classes at Prana Power Yoga (I need the heat and the spiritual community), shopping for new work clothes and a new dress or five, and lunching with a collection of the loved ones I've been neglecting during the last two months. And meetings! How could I have forgotten the meetings? :)
But it's all flexible. I could take or leave any part of that schedule, it's completely up to me. That's really the most important part, being able to identify and attend to my own needs w/o getting guilt tripped over it. So in reality I'll probably do half of that and spend the rest of my time meditating and eating lots of homemade vegan food.
Which leads me kind of off-topic but I feel it's worth mentioning. I am so tired of eating restaurant vegan food! It's so overpriced, it never tastes as good as what I would make, and I have no control over the ingredients. I can't be sure things are organic, clean, you know. Lately I've been crazy into lentils (always yummy and easy to make extras for lunch) and as always GREEN FLIPPING SMOOTHIES!
I've found that my natural way of eating is really simple, really clean, and fairly inexpensive. I like green smoothies, fresh coconut anything, and a handful of tasty vegan gourmet cooked dishes. Easy Peasy. Throw in plentiful amounts of fresh fruits and veggies and a wee amount of soy and you have my daily nosh. The only time things get complicated is when I try to get everything from restaurants. Food for thought, no?
In conclusion: TGIF. Seriously. I am so appreciative of the R & R. Don't expect any word from me until Monday morning, my loves! I shall be luxuriating....
*muah*
You-know-who
Thursday, February 7, 2008
GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY........
Dear, sweet Jeebus, did the new moon solar eclipse let me have it yesterday. The entire context of my life changed. Just about every major arena I'm playing in was affected. This morning I'm not even playing the same sport I was playing yesterday. I'm in a whole new league now...
Blow by blow:
Yesterday morning I woke up with more restless rage in me than you could shake a stick at. I had a burning desire to kick puppies, scare small children, and engage in some epic self-mutiliation. This was at 4:30 in the morning, mind you. I made myself some coffee (fairly unnecessary as I was already amped to the heavens) and hit my yoga mat. I managed about 15 minutes of asana before the alien rage beast that was inhabiting my body pulled me out of my practice. I manically paced around my bathroom straightening my hair and fussing over my makeup. Eventually I got on a train and headed into work. The anger hadn't really subsided it just transmuted into this raw, visceral anxiety. Something big was coming, it had to come, something had to change, and my spiritual recognition of this just about unglued me.
I'd love to say my day of living my life as one Giant Exposed Nerve got better, but sadly, it did not. Not until well into the nighttime anyways. The pressure got so bad that around noon I had to make an emergency sobbing phone call to GSBF. I was having recurring fantasies of storming out of the office with both my middle fingers defiantly raised. I was on the verge of nervous collapse because my male co-workers had mocked my vegan lunch choices. In short, the level of emotion I was experiencing was not at all proportionate to the stimuli.
After GSBF had talked me back from the edge I started frantically issuing a series of foxhole prayers to the Almighty. They went something like, "Please God, please, please, please just show me what you want me to do! I feel like a stranger in my own life, I don't fit here anymore, show me where you want me to go! Whatever you want, I'll do it, just take me out of this indecision, please." And wouldn't you know it? My prayers were answered within the hour. You know how they say be careful what you wish for? Well, they ain't lying.
I came back into the office somewhat recovered only to be pulled outside by The Boss. He wanted to keep it short and sweet. He thought it was time for me to move to a new job site, a HUGE job site, a scary job site. A job site where I could really make a name for myself in this topsy turvy world of construction. And you have to decide THIS WEEK and be ready to leave BY THE NEXT, you can handle that Ingenue, can't you?
And there it was. I love my co-workers and they've been good to me, but I'm stagnating on this site. Now that I'm sober there's been no way for me to escape from the realization that something is off with my career path right now. This was the perfect solution. Upward mobility within the same company. No drastic alteration, just progression.
Having said all that, it still scared the holy shit out of me. The anxiety that had been torturing me all day picked up speed and like a swarm of bees gathering together to attack, my Tension swooped in for the kill. My head popped and the only thought I was capable of realizing was, "I. Am. Going. To. Drink."
I wanted everything to slow down, I wanted a guarantee, I wanted some comfort dammit! And the only guarantee I have in my life is what happens when I drink. Everything turns to caca. Nasty, but true and unchanging.
I didn't drink. I hauled my shaking ass to a meeting and held on to my folding chair with both hands. I sat through my fear, my anxiety, my character flaws. I shared about them, I exposed them to the lights, I accepted them, and they dissolved. The whole group of us seemed to be going through similar sorts of emotional displacement (THANK YOU ECLIPSE) and the healing underway in that room was palpable. I was so grateful to be there, I was so grateful to be me, I didn't want to hide from my life anymore. I made it through to the other side and left with peace and strength that were every bit as powerful as my rage and anxiety had been in the morning.
So, here I am, pruning the dead weight from my life. It's painful and scary sometimes, but so rewarding. The reward? Getting to be me, obviously! Getting to live surrounded by this much love and support, finding the strength inside me to things I never would have dreamed of doing a year ago. This time in my life, like everything else, is beautiful and temporary. It won't be here forever, I need to savor it while it's available. I am not going to let fear drag me away from my precious experience.....and for that, Thank You Eclipse! I appreciate it more than you know....
Nothing but love,
Ingenue
Blow by blow:
Yesterday morning I woke up with more restless rage in me than you could shake a stick at. I had a burning desire to kick puppies, scare small children, and engage in some epic self-mutiliation. This was at 4:30 in the morning, mind you. I made myself some coffee (fairly unnecessary as I was already amped to the heavens) and hit my yoga mat. I managed about 15 minutes of asana before the alien rage beast that was inhabiting my body pulled me out of my practice. I manically paced around my bathroom straightening my hair and fussing over my makeup. Eventually I got on a train and headed into work. The anger hadn't really subsided it just transmuted into this raw, visceral anxiety. Something big was coming, it had to come, something had to change, and my spiritual recognition of this just about unglued me.
I'd love to say my day of living my life as one Giant Exposed Nerve got better, but sadly, it did not. Not until well into the nighttime anyways. The pressure got so bad that around noon I had to make an emergency sobbing phone call to GSBF. I was having recurring fantasies of storming out of the office with both my middle fingers defiantly raised. I was on the verge of nervous collapse because my male co-workers had mocked my vegan lunch choices. In short, the level of emotion I was experiencing was not at all proportionate to the stimuli.
After GSBF had talked me back from the edge I started frantically issuing a series of foxhole prayers to the Almighty. They went something like, "Please God, please, please, please just show me what you want me to do! I feel like a stranger in my own life, I don't fit here anymore, show me where you want me to go! Whatever you want, I'll do it, just take me out of this indecision, please." And wouldn't you know it? My prayers were answered within the hour. You know how they say be careful what you wish for? Well, they ain't lying.
I came back into the office somewhat recovered only to be pulled outside by The Boss. He wanted to keep it short and sweet. He thought it was time for me to move to a new job site, a HUGE job site, a scary job site. A job site where I could really make a name for myself in this topsy turvy world of construction. And you have to decide THIS WEEK and be ready to leave BY THE NEXT, you can handle that Ingenue, can't you?
And there it was. I love my co-workers and they've been good to me, but I'm stagnating on this site. Now that I'm sober there's been no way for me to escape from the realization that something is off with my career path right now. This was the perfect solution. Upward mobility within the same company. No drastic alteration, just progression.
Having said all that, it still scared the holy shit out of me. The anxiety that had been torturing me all day picked up speed and like a swarm of bees gathering together to attack, my Tension swooped in for the kill. My head popped and the only thought I was capable of realizing was, "I. Am. Going. To. Drink."
I wanted everything to slow down, I wanted a guarantee, I wanted some comfort dammit! And the only guarantee I have in my life is what happens when I drink. Everything turns to caca. Nasty, but true and unchanging.
I didn't drink. I hauled my shaking ass to a meeting and held on to my folding chair with both hands. I sat through my fear, my anxiety, my character flaws. I shared about them, I exposed them to the lights, I accepted them, and they dissolved. The whole group of us seemed to be going through similar sorts of emotional displacement (THANK YOU ECLIPSE) and the healing underway in that room was palpable. I was so grateful to be there, I was so grateful to be me, I didn't want to hide from my life anymore. I made it through to the other side and left with peace and strength that were every bit as powerful as my rage and anxiety had been in the morning.
So, here I am, pruning the dead weight from my life. It's painful and scary sometimes, but so rewarding. The reward? Getting to be me, obviously! Getting to live surrounded by this much love and support, finding the strength inside me to things I never would have dreamed of doing a year ago. This time in my life, like everything else, is beautiful and temporary. It won't be here forever, I need to savor it while it's available. I am not going to let fear drag me away from my precious experience.....and for that, Thank You Eclipse! I appreciate it more than you know....
Nothing but love,
Ingenue
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Bring it!
It's eclipse time! A new moon solar eclipse no less. Which means: Big Change and New Beginnings are a-coming for us all. Let's have a look at what the mighty Yasmin Boland has to say about this, shall we?
Weekly Gemini Horoscope - Week of 4th February, 2008
This week brings a New Moon eclipse - on Thursday.
This week brings a New Moon eclipse - on Thursday.
NEW MOON ECLIPSE ECLIPSE IN YOUR 9TH HOUSE - YOUR TRAVEL AND STUDY ZONE
WHAT IT MEANS: It's all about ... adventure, travel and personal development
MOON MEDITATION: Life's an adventure and I love it so this month, l'll ... (fill in the blank)
The part of your chart being lit up by the New Moon eclipse is ruled by Jupiter-the planet of expansion. So whether you're expanding your mind by studying or travel, by talking to well-travelled people or through doing a personal development course, you have the chance now to broaden your horizons. This cycle is also about your faith and beliefs. If you know you've been rigid, perhaps clinging on to what you were taught as a child rather than forming your own opinions, someone could come along now and help or force you to rethink your philosophies. This is also a great time to break out of routines and to get a little more freedom.
WHAT IT MEANS: It's all about ... adventure, travel and personal development
MOON MEDITATION: Life's an adventure and I love it so this month, l'll ... (fill in the blank)
The part of your chart being lit up by the New Moon eclipse is ruled by Jupiter-the planet of expansion. So whether you're expanding your mind by studying or travel, by talking to well-travelled people or through doing a personal development course, you have the chance now to broaden your horizons. This cycle is also about your faith and beliefs. If you know you've been rigid, perhaps clinging on to what you were taught as a child rather than forming your own opinions, someone could come along now and help or force you to rethink your philosophies. This is also a great time to break out of routines and to get a little more freedom.
New Moon eclipse Ritual: Open an atlas, close your eyes, pick a country blind and then read up on it on the Internet
THINGS TO DO THIS MONTH
* Plan an overseas trip * Read those books you know you should * Do a personal development course * Fall in love with a foreigner * Think about what you have faith in-and what you don't * Make a cyber pal on the other side of the world * Have something you've written published
THINGS TO DO THIS MONTH
* Plan an overseas trip * Read those books you know you should * Do a personal development course * Fall in love with a foreigner * Think about what you have faith in-and what you don't * Make a cyber pal on the other side of the world * Have something you've written published
You don't have to ask me twice, Yasmin! The cosmic tides have swept me up already and my wanderlust is at Defcon 5. Not only am I spending inordinate amounts of time questioning where my dogma hides (it's in my diet if you're interested) but my thirst for new meditation techniques, archaic buddhist sutras, and general exotic loveliness is unquenchable right now. And have my writing published? I'm way ahead of you chic! Trust. Yours truly is in it to win it.....
Yeah Mama!
The Amazingly Incredible Ingen-ious One
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