There's only so much mental health to go around.....

You know, someone was just telling me about this theory over dinner a few days ago. I was ranting and raving about quitting smoking, quitting sugar, upping my work hours, switching out my workout regime, and giving myself a head to toe makeover SIMULTANEOUSLY when my friend Mark mentioned it.

"Yeah, they like, did a study where people were offered a plate of cookies and a plate of radishes. One group were allowed to eat the cookies and the other group was told to abstain from the cookies and only eat the radishes. 15 minutes later they were given algebra tests and the group who had to deny themselves the cookies did 30% more poorly than the cookie monsters."

And this proves?

"Well, you know, each of us only has so much willpower, discipline, and perservance to go around. You want to make dietary changes fine, but work might suffer. You want to quit smoking go for it, but your diet might spin out. And if you want to completely GUT every bad habit you have at the same time you might as well forget being able to show up for your life at all. Like, ever. "

Anecodotal evidence collected from my own life proves conclusively that this is in fact the case. Although it is getting far easier to live happy, joyous, and free w/o being constantly tripped up by my character flaws the desire to completely renovate myself every 30 days is one that comes with some serious strings attached to it. That's a fair amount of upheaval to be putting myself through. Takes alot of energy away from the business of living to be constantly re-inventing. You basically can't do anything else but isolate yourself in the metaphorical cocoon you've built until the day you decide YOU'RE SO TOTALLY READY to show the world your beautiful new butterfly wings.

Except that day never really comes. There's always a reason to put it off and put it off and put it off. There's always little tweaks here and there that have to be made. Another five pounds to lose, another 50 points added to my credit score- then I'll be ready. These days, I'm always asking myself, what am I getting ready for? What existential night out on the town is all this spiritual primping for?

And a bratty little voice in the back of my head says, "There has to be something else. This can't be all there is for you."

Ultimately, this is why every major habit breaking I've ever undergone was undertaken. Or...errrr......something like that. I quit sugar because I'm convinced that my anger will abate when I'm not suffering from sugar highs and lows. I quit smoking because I'm convinved that my restless irritable discontent nature will be less noticeable when I'm not suffering from constant nic-fits. I hit the gym because I am CERTAIN my self esteem will soar once my body is bulletproof.

And to a certain extent, all of these things are true. But I just pulled out of a majorly narcisstic phase where nothing was more sacred that then the temple of the body, and while I look amazing on the outside, my inner life has been fairly tumultuous ever since. And if I take the time to start sorting out my life's deeper issues, my aerodynamic abs will start to liquify. Sigh.

And as of this morning, I'm ok with that. Because I'm starting to get it. Having a life in balance means exactly that, balancing between states of living. Presence cannot be replaced with presents and no one gets out alive.

Babble forth boldy my beauties-

Ing