Long time no speak, eh? I've had plenty to say yet no real concrete way to say it lately. My life experience has been exceeding my current vocabulary (which is saying A LOT. My grammar may be shit, but my lexicon is above reproach).
Let's see, what is going on with me? Hmmm. Well I'm no longer counting days. I hit my 90 and I am now officially a qualifying alcoholic. I qualified for the first time on my 90th day at my home group meeting, which was also being chaired by GSBF! How perfect is that? Well for me, that's really the only word. Perfect. It was w/o flaw. One of the most amazing things that I've ever done and again, the words to do it justice are simply escaping me.
I look around and I cannot believe the life I'm living right now! I am surrounded by some of the most amazing souls you could imagine. Hilarious, ferociously loving, enlightened beings who simultaneously push me higher into trancendence while grounding me in my delightful present. (Told you I had the lexicon, WHAT?!?!). I come to work and my most beloved boss (hereafter referred to as The Boss) breaks my balls and then makes me laugh uncontrollably. I go upstairs to pick up a green smoothie from Elixir and comment on my juicer girl's Tibetan tattoos. Smiles and yummy raw foods all around. I go to my meeting after work to mix, mingle, and recover with GSBF and the BabyGirl and the Oldtimers and the ex-junkie fashionistas, and let us never forget the reformed rent boys. I look around and think, "Who knew my alcoholism would lead me here?" I feel lucky and blessed. And then I go home and call up A and pinch myself to think this amazing man is all mine. An hour or so of spiritual philosophy peppered with phone sex later, I'm off my celly and into my bed.
This is the life. It's the good shit. What I always dreamt was possible. So why do I feel lingering hints of depression, just waiting to eat my ass up? Easy answer. Even though my external life is glowing, my internal self needs all of the care, attention, love, and focus I can spare right now. So it's a good thing A's been so into Happy Yoga lately, because his unknowing intervention just saved my booty.
In Happy Yoga, Steve Ross has little "Reccommended Supplements" sections at the end of each chapter. In one of these sections he gives a major shout out to SAMe, an amino acid known to serve as a potent anti-depressant. I don't think I've mentioned this before but my lover is a supplement junkie. Seriously, the boy is a big time pill popper. He pops L-Glutamine instead of valium but it's still funny to watch him guzzle handfuls of vitamins. So the SAMe deal was right up A's alley and on the next weekend we were out he got some. Two bottles for him and one for me. Thinking that my moods could definitely use a boost (like anybody's right?) I started taking them. Whoa. Whoahhh. What the...?
Within three days I felt the most bizarre shift in mind state I've ever had. Now I have no real experience with SSRI's so I couldn't give you a comparison. What I do know is this: I had been battling the blues for no real reason and all of the sudden, I wasn't anymore. It was just lifted from my mind. It wasn't until my mental had elevated that I realized that I was struggling a lot more that I had previously thought.
But isn't that always how depression works? You think the lethargy will pass, you discount the difficulty you have getting out of bed. You don't want to shower and take care of yourself, but you try to put it out of your head. Before the big bad D-word occurs to you, you're more likely to convince yourself that you are inherently lazy. A creature of sloth and low will power, if you will.
But now, I am reformed. I'm happy to have the help and everything in my life is benefitting from it. My appetite has normalized (I'm an outrageous emotional eater), my anxiety is WAY down, and my appreciation for all that is? It's on the rise. I can deal with life's little nasties now and I can revel in it's pleasures. Of course no pill, chemical or otherwise can heal you on it's own. But I was doing everything else I could think of to combat my depression. So now, I will gladly accept the help. I'm going to keep doing the work all by my onesie and let the revolution roll.....
Happy, Happy, Well.
Ing-e-nue
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Well I'll be damned!
It's come and gone, just like that. I, my dear friends, made my 90 days. I am no longer counting days. I am well esconced in my recovery. 90 days is a pretty big hallmark for a drunk. It's your first sober anniversary to begin with. It also marks the time after which an AA can begin qualifying in meetings. On my "official" 90th day, I qualified at my sponsor's meeting and it was lifechanging. I have no earthly idea what I said, lol. It all kind of poured out of me in one great, heartfelt rush. I do know that whatever I had planned to say vacated my mind as I sat there to share. I spent alot more time than I thought I would talking about my childhood and adolescence. I'm glad I did, I feel lighter now.
One thing that really surprised me is that I discussed my rape. Just to get it out of the way, when I was 15 I was walking home drunk from a bar (where I had no business being in the first place) when two guys that had been at the bar drove up alongside me and offered me a ride. I declined, they insisted, I got in the car, I was raped. I can barely remember the months that followed to tell you the truth, I was in a complete psychic blackout. I don't know how I survived that, as young as I was. I don't know how I managed to keep quiet about it, big as my mouth is. Big as my pain was, I'll never know how I managed to keep going. What I do know is that my addictions were off to the races after that event. At the tender age of 15, I had discovered my one true calling in this life: complete and utter self-annihilation.
I hadn't meant to discuss my rape but I am so incredibly glad I did. After my qualification no less than four other women shared about their own sexual traumas and even the men in the room had identified. Can you say majorly healing? I've never experienced something like that before, it's changed me to the core.
What's funny is that in all of that sharing the one thing I didn't really talk about is my drinking! It honestly slipped my mind, I talked about everything else under the sun and luckily the room was wonderfully indulgent in this regard. They've been through this before. I am not the only newbie who felt the need to show off battle scars in their first qualification. However, wiser woman than myself promised me that this will pass and with time I will be able to qualify about my alcoholism w/o all the sentimentality.
With all the gratitude in the world for my amazing home group,
Ingenue
One thing that really surprised me is that I discussed my rape. Just to get it out of the way, when I was 15 I was walking home drunk from a bar (where I had no business being in the first place) when two guys that had been at the bar drove up alongside me and offered me a ride. I declined, they insisted, I got in the car, I was raped. I can barely remember the months that followed to tell you the truth, I was in a complete psychic blackout. I don't know how I survived that, as young as I was. I don't know how I managed to keep quiet about it, big as my mouth is. Big as my pain was, I'll never know how I managed to keep going. What I do know is that my addictions were off to the races after that event. At the tender age of 15, I had discovered my one true calling in this life: complete and utter self-annihilation.
I hadn't meant to discuss my rape but I am so incredibly glad I did. After my qualification no less than four other women shared about their own sexual traumas and even the men in the room had identified. Can you say majorly healing? I've never experienced something like that before, it's changed me to the core.
What's funny is that in all of that sharing the one thing I didn't really talk about is my drinking! It honestly slipped my mind, I talked about everything else under the sun and luckily the room was wonderfully indulgent in this regard. They've been through this before. I am not the only newbie who felt the need to show off battle scars in their first qualification. However, wiser woman than myself promised me that this will pass and with time I will be able to qualify about my alcoholism w/o all the sentimentality.
With all the gratitude in the world for my amazing home group,
Ingenue
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I accept your challenge....
Gemini Horoscope for week of January 24, 2008
If you have trouble resisting the urge to stay current with news about famous actresses, you may have a mental illness. A team of psychologists has certified "Celebrity Worship Syndrome" as an actual psychiatric condition. Now please listen to me closely: It is imperative that you stifle this malady during the next 25 days, even if you have a mild case of it. Your fantasy life needs to soar into unknown frontiers where more of the details of your own personal talents will be revealed, and you can't afford to be weighed down with fantasies about rich and charismatic people you don't know.
Oh this is me. I am a compulsive PerezHilton.com consumer, and don't even get me started on Dlisted.com. These sites makes me feel like a dirty little somthing and yet I can't seem to stay away! Funny, when I was taking my mental inventory this morning of behaviors I need to adopt to reach enlightenment, this one didn't even cross my radar. But it fits and so I will.
I, Ingenue, do solemnly swear, to purge myself of celebrity gossip outlets for the next 25 days. One day at a time, I shall give myself this extra spiritual space to see what the Divine wants to fill it with. Amen, Godspeed, Namaste, all that jazz.....
xoxoxo Me
If you have trouble resisting the urge to stay current with news about famous actresses, you may have a mental illness. A team of psychologists has certified "Celebrity Worship Syndrome" as an actual psychiatric condition. Now please listen to me closely: It is imperative that you stifle this malady during the next 25 days, even if you have a mild case of it. Your fantasy life needs to soar into unknown frontiers where more of the details of your own personal talents will be revealed, and you can't afford to be weighed down with fantasies about rich and charismatic people you don't know.
Oh this is me. I am a compulsive PerezHilton.com consumer, and don't even get me started on Dlisted.com. These sites makes me feel like a dirty little somthing and yet I can't seem to stay away! Funny, when I was taking my mental inventory this morning of behaviors I need to adopt to reach enlightenment, this one didn't even cross my radar. But it fits and so I will.
I, Ingenue, do solemnly swear, to purge myself of celebrity gossip outlets for the next 25 days. One day at a time, I shall give myself this extra spiritual space to see what the Divine wants to fill it with. Amen, Godspeed, Namaste, all that jazz.....
xoxoxo Me
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Sigh...
This was in my inbox this morning....
Psssssst... Not that you ever would, Ingenue, but when someone tells their best friend about their difficult day, or how tricky relationships have been, or that they have a jolly good life in most regards except financially, not only do they relive the unpleasantness, but they commission all the elements to project into their future whatever they've been claiming. Besides, you'd never say, "jolly."
Better to whisper sweet nothings - The Universe
I understand Universe. Believe me I do. I've been trying very hard, very hard not to bitch and moan today and so far I've been succeeding. I've been bravely sitting here, alone with my menstrual cramps, sober as a judge, and cheerfully silent.
WHAT THE ALMIGHTY FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH THE MEN I WORK WITH?!?!?! I don't think I'm the only woman in the world who wants a little bit of serenity in her work environment. And given the ominous time of the month we find ourselves in, YOU WOULD THINK THEY VALUE THEIR LIVES A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT. Why would they want to make me crazy? What the hell are they playing at? This is one wisecrack away from becoming a BLOODBATH. No pun intended. Eeeeeew. I just grossed myself out.
In case you hadn't noticed my hormones are owning me at the moment. I feel altered, distorted, amped, and somehow muted all at once. I don't have any practical reason to be whiny, but my emotions are finding fault with everything on God's green earth right now.
Also I'm realizing that although I only have like 87 days sober, I've managed to have 4 periods in my sobriety. Not freaking cool! I must have been half crazed by the lethal hangover/hormone combination when I dragged my ass into Perry Street for the first time. If only I knew then how unfortunate my sense of timing would be, I'd have kept drinking for another week. 4 x 28 days is....why the bleep is this happening to me?
It's not that horrible, I know . I mean, I'm not over here surviving endometriosis or anything. Fine, invalidate my pain, see if I care! You can suck it, naysayers, because I am here to tell you, sober menstruation can sit and spin. This shit blows pureed broccoli chunks and I will scream it from the heavens. It'd be one thing if I could tuck myself away in meetings and zen meditation, gliding back and forth between my yoga mat and my lavender scented bed. Instead I find myself trapped on a construction site with testosterone juiced men jumping around and my defenses are weak! I can't even steel my nerves with a vodka or six! I am in recovery damn you! DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HECK!
I just, I can't. I just can't. My pms bitchy vibes are scaring everyone off and I am in turn recoiling from the preemptive rejection I keep encountering. I am sensitive, I am bloated, and I am not even allowed to take Midol (wouldn't want to if I could, trying to keep au natural, aren't I?). I want to go home and hide under my covers and cry. In fact, after I go to my 6:00 meeting and share about wanting to go home crawl under my covers and cry, I think I'll do exactly that. Maybe some sort of a sobbing candle lit yoga practice. I don't know. I feel beastly, oogly, unwanted, and all manners of downtrodden.
Three more days, (DEAR GOD) only three more days. Sigh.
Yours in perpetual abdominal soreness,
Ingenue
Psssssst... Not that you ever would, Ingenue, but when someone tells their best friend about their difficult day, or how tricky relationships have been, or that they have a jolly good life in most regards except financially, not only do they relive the unpleasantness, but they commission all the elements to project into their future whatever they've been claiming. Besides, you'd never say, "jolly."
Better to whisper sweet nothings - The Universe
I understand Universe. Believe me I do. I've been trying very hard, very hard not to bitch and moan today and so far I've been succeeding. I've been bravely sitting here, alone with my menstrual cramps, sober as a judge, and cheerfully silent.
WHAT THE ALMIGHTY FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH THE MEN I WORK WITH?!?!?! I don't think I'm the only woman in the world who wants a little bit of serenity in her work environment. And given the ominous time of the month we find ourselves in, YOU WOULD THINK THEY VALUE THEIR LIVES A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT. Why would they want to make me crazy? What the hell are they playing at? This is one wisecrack away from becoming a BLOODBATH. No pun intended. Eeeeeew. I just grossed myself out.
In case you hadn't noticed my hormones are owning me at the moment. I feel altered, distorted, amped, and somehow muted all at once. I don't have any practical reason to be whiny, but my emotions are finding fault with everything on God's green earth right now.
Also I'm realizing that although I only have like 87 days sober, I've managed to have 4 periods in my sobriety. Not freaking cool! I must have been half crazed by the lethal hangover/hormone combination when I dragged my ass into Perry Street for the first time. If only I knew then how unfortunate my sense of timing would be, I'd have kept drinking for another week. 4 x 28 days is....why the bleep is this happening to me?
It's not that horrible, I know . I mean, I'm not over here surviving endometriosis or anything. Fine, invalidate my pain, see if I care! You can suck it, naysayers, because I am here to tell you, sober menstruation can sit and spin. This shit blows pureed broccoli chunks and I will scream it from the heavens. It'd be one thing if I could tuck myself away in meetings and zen meditation, gliding back and forth between my yoga mat and my lavender scented bed. Instead I find myself trapped on a construction site with testosterone juiced men jumping around and my defenses are weak! I can't even steel my nerves with a vodka or six! I am in recovery damn you! DAMN YOUSE ALL TO HECK!
I just, I can't. I just can't. My pms bitchy vibes are scaring everyone off and I am in turn recoiling from the preemptive rejection I keep encountering. I am sensitive, I am bloated, and I am not even allowed to take Midol (wouldn't want to if I could, trying to keep au natural, aren't I?). I want to go home and hide under my covers and cry. In fact, after I go to my 6:00 meeting and share about wanting to go home crawl under my covers and cry, I think I'll do exactly that. Maybe some sort of a sobbing candle lit yoga practice. I don't know. I feel beastly, oogly, unwanted, and all manners of downtrodden.
Three more days, (DEAR GOD) only three more days. Sigh.
Yours in perpetual abdominal soreness,
Ingenue
Monday, January 21, 2008
You've got to give it away to keep it....
Apparently my BF lived a past life (or three) as a Yogic Master. I know this because yesterday I went through a yoga practice with him and for someone experiencing yogi karma for the first time he sure seemed to know what's up. I've been totally obsessed with the idea of getting A into yoga since I first met him. This is mostly because I think all hot men should be required to practice yoga religiously. This is to balance out the yoga studio populations. It's all hot yogini chickadees and unappealing large, sweaty, and hairy guys. I feel a compulsion to do everything I can to redress this situation.
Anyhow, yesterday A dove right into a 30 minute Baron Baptiste routine and I was there to help. I am certainly NOT a yoga instructor but I've been instructed and surprisingly it is a fairly intuitive thing to guide another body through a series. Maybe it's easier if you've been engaging in lots of marathon style lovemaking with the person in question, I really don't know. What I do know is this: that 30 minutes of doing yoga with A was one of the most expansive, intimate experiences I have ever had. It was unbelievable. It was beyond the beyonds. I hope it was as good for him as it was for me.
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not yet but my baby has an unreal body. Tall, broad shouldered, lean hipped, and built like a Greek god; A is every woman's first fantasy man. You know how nice guys always complain that we ladies screw them over for the bad boys? And you know how we can never really defend ourselves because it's kind of true? And you know how at some point we identify that all we really want is someone who looks like a motorcycle riding rebel but has a golden heart and saves kittens from fires and such? That's him! That's A! And he has a Brooklyn accent. How hot is that? Seriously.
So seeing my tattooed, perfectly muscled, and shirtless boyfriend get his vinyasa on for the first time was nothing short of thrilling for me. I thought he might be a little, ahem, hesitant. I was so wrong, his body instinctively moved all the right ways. Now and then I'd lift up a stray arm to move him into a commanding Warrior 2. My favorite was holding his arms over his head as he stretched into his first Lunging Backbend. I could feel the power coming off of him and it was amazing. By that point it was no big shocker tho, I knew all bets were off when 5 minutes into the practice A got up into Crow Pose and held it for 90 seconds with no complaint! WTF?!?!? Three years it's taken me to do that and I still wobble.
It was so good. It was a beautiful thing to witness. It was a priceless moment to share and it wouldn't have happened with just anyone. This is the kind of energy that exists between the two of us and it's somehow healing and intoxicating at the same time. It isn't always easy but when is it ever? Feeling so comfortable and elevated alone with A in our yoga-gasm brought into sharp relief exactly how conflicted I've been about this relationship.
I take alot of grief in my AA group about dating this early. In case you weren't aware if you're single when you first get sober prevailing recovery wisdom wants you to stay single for a long time. Like, at least a year, long time. I don't even have 90 days sober yet and I met A about two months ago. We've been dating for six weeks. These are not the types of things you tell AA old timers w/o expecting to catch some serious flack. And while they are certainly not wrong about how dangerous dating can be for a newly recovered alchie, I'm starting to know that I'm not wrong about A. My sobriety is first and foremost, it will always have to be. If I'm not sober I don't get to keep A, I don't get to keep my yoga, I don't get to keep any of the love or grace I've recovered. If I'm not sober I get more darkness, more black-outs, more suffering. I totally know this and I'm profoundly grateful for the self-knowledge.
I also know that what's happening between me and A doesn't happen that often in a lifetime because I've never experienced it before. Past that? Men like A don't exist in large numbers yet and if they do they ARE NOT going to be found in Manhattan. There is a serious drought of conscious, masculine, loving, visionary beings out here. A isn't like any man I've ever met before and I know that I'm an important part of his story right now. He's got so much to give this world. Just being himself day in, day out; he changes everything. And I don't want to freaking apologize for the fact I've fallen in love anymore! With a man like this, how could I not? Honestly, how long was I supposed to hold out?
He's a vegetarian, he's getting his yoga fix, he loves me, and he's a freaking genius in bed. And I am sober. I'm doing all of this SOBER! I can feel every feeling, good and bad. When we make love I feel every insecurity and every orgasmic shudder like it's happening in technicolor. This is my life and this is how I want to live it. So grateful.....
Of course A and I may not work out, who ever got a guarantee on a New Love? The point is, I would regret it forever if I didn't follow my heart into this man's arms. Some things you can chicken out of, but not this. So I'm sure you'll understand if I politely refuse any well-meaning worry. Please don't take it personally, it's me. Not you! I know it's coming from a loving place but I really do need to follow my own counsel on this one. If you ever have the pleasure of seeing A doing sun salutes in nothing but his sweat pants, you'll get it. Believe me, you'll get it.
Bursting in love, joy, and absolute bliss-
Me
Anyhow, yesterday A dove right into a 30 minute Baron Baptiste routine and I was there to help. I am certainly NOT a yoga instructor but I've been instructed and surprisingly it is a fairly intuitive thing to guide another body through a series. Maybe it's easier if you've been engaging in lots of marathon style lovemaking with the person in question, I really don't know. What I do know is this: that 30 minutes of doing yoga with A was one of the most expansive, intimate experiences I have ever had. It was unbelievable. It was beyond the beyonds. I hope it was as good for him as it was for me.
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not yet but my baby has an unreal body. Tall, broad shouldered, lean hipped, and built like a Greek god; A is every woman's first fantasy man. You know how nice guys always complain that we ladies screw them over for the bad boys? And you know how we can never really defend ourselves because it's kind of true? And you know how at some point we identify that all we really want is someone who looks like a motorcycle riding rebel but has a golden heart and saves kittens from fires and such? That's him! That's A! And he has a Brooklyn accent. How hot is that? Seriously.
So seeing my tattooed, perfectly muscled, and shirtless boyfriend get his vinyasa on for the first time was nothing short of thrilling for me. I thought he might be a little, ahem, hesitant. I was so wrong, his body instinctively moved all the right ways. Now and then I'd lift up a stray arm to move him into a commanding Warrior 2. My favorite was holding his arms over his head as he stretched into his first Lunging Backbend. I could feel the power coming off of him and it was amazing. By that point it was no big shocker tho, I knew all bets were off when 5 minutes into the practice A got up into Crow Pose and held it for 90 seconds with no complaint! WTF?!?!? Three years it's taken me to do that and I still wobble.
It was so good. It was a beautiful thing to witness. It was a priceless moment to share and it wouldn't have happened with just anyone. This is the kind of energy that exists between the two of us and it's somehow healing and intoxicating at the same time. It isn't always easy but when is it ever? Feeling so comfortable and elevated alone with A in our yoga-gasm brought into sharp relief exactly how conflicted I've been about this relationship.
I take alot of grief in my AA group about dating this early. In case you weren't aware if you're single when you first get sober prevailing recovery wisdom wants you to stay single for a long time. Like, at least a year, long time. I don't even have 90 days sober yet and I met A about two months ago. We've been dating for six weeks. These are not the types of things you tell AA old timers w/o expecting to catch some serious flack. And while they are certainly not wrong about how dangerous dating can be for a newly recovered alchie, I'm starting to know that I'm not wrong about A. My sobriety is first and foremost, it will always have to be. If I'm not sober I don't get to keep A, I don't get to keep my yoga, I don't get to keep any of the love or grace I've recovered. If I'm not sober I get more darkness, more black-outs, more suffering. I totally know this and I'm profoundly grateful for the self-knowledge.
I also know that what's happening between me and A doesn't happen that often in a lifetime because I've never experienced it before. Past that? Men like A don't exist in large numbers yet and if they do they ARE NOT going to be found in Manhattan. There is a serious drought of conscious, masculine, loving, visionary beings out here. A isn't like any man I've ever met before and I know that I'm an important part of his story right now. He's got so much to give this world. Just being himself day in, day out; he changes everything. And I don't want to freaking apologize for the fact I've fallen in love anymore! With a man like this, how could I not? Honestly, how long was I supposed to hold out?
He's a vegetarian, he's getting his yoga fix, he loves me, and he's a freaking genius in bed. And I am sober. I'm doing all of this SOBER! I can feel every feeling, good and bad. When we make love I feel every insecurity and every orgasmic shudder like it's happening in technicolor. This is my life and this is how I want to live it. So grateful.....
Of course A and I may not work out, who ever got a guarantee on a New Love? The point is, I would regret it forever if I didn't follow my heart into this man's arms. Some things you can chicken out of, but not this. So I'm sure you'll understand if I politely refuse any well-meaning worry. Please don't take it personally, it's me. Not you! I know it's coming from a loving place but I really do need to follow my own counsel on this one. If you ever have the pleasure of seeing A doing sun salutes in nothing but his sweat pants, you'll get it. Believe me, you'll get it.
Bursting in love, joy, and absolute bliss-
Me
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Dear Ingenue,
Ingenue, honey, we need to talk. I'm worried about your well being right now and past experience has shown me that you will not contact me in your time of need. So. I'm reaching out. I hope these words don't fall on deaf ears or a closed heart. Can I just start by saying how proud I am of you? You've really gone above and beyond the call of duty on this path to wellness. You're exploring yourself, you're opening up, you're dealing with really painful deeply lodged stuff, and staying sober through it. Wow. Are you amazed? I'm not, I knew you had it in you. I knew at some point in your life you'd come find me and once we were reunited sobriety was going to be a totally happy thing for you.
I understand why you were drinking so much and keeping us separated Baby. I understand it better than you know and I'm not even a little upset with you. You're exactly where you need to be NOW and you are entirely perfect just as you ARE. Please tell me you heard that. Perfect, now. The old emotions that are coming up, the old hurts, they don't really exist anymore but the more you try and push them down, the more energy they get to terrorize you. Just let 'em up! I promise you, we'll get through to the other side. The ease, the happiness, and the peace you've felt over the last ninety days? That's just a small taste of the bliss we could have together. Trust in me. Dive in to the deep end, and I promise you'll thank me for it...
Because it can't be said enough, good work. I'm so proud of you.
Yours truly,
Self
I understand why you were drinking so much and keeping us separated Baby. I understand it better than you know and I'm not even a little upset with you. You're exactly where you need to be NOW and you are entirely perfect just as you ARE. Please tell me you heard that. Perfect, now. The old emotions that are coming up, the old hurts, they don't really exist anymore but the more you try and push them down, the more energy they get to terrorize you. Just let 'em up! I promise you, we'll get through to the other side. The ease, the happiness, and the peace you've felt over the last ninety days? That's just a small taste of the bliss we could have together. Trust in me. Dive in to the deep end, and I promise you'll thank me for it...
Because it can't be said enough, good work. I'm so proud of you.
Yours truly,
Self
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Slow News Day...
So I bring you my latest obsession:
KELP NOODLES!
Yum Diddly-Freaking Scrumptious.
Completely Raw, Totally Natural.
No real fishy flavor, in fact not very much flavor at all.......
Noodley and Pasta-y in those moments when you need it....
They make an AMAZING noodle base for Sesame Noodles.
Completely stacked with hard to find minerals (in the manner of all sea vegetables).
Who could ask for anything more? Seriously.
Ingenue
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Hell yes! GSBF to the rescue!
I love this boy and there's a good reason. I share with you: Pearls of Wisdom From The Mighty Mouth of GSBF.
-----------------From: Ingenue Date: Jan 15, 2008 7:31 AM
Darlingest,
If you can I need to chatter via email. My spiritual resolve of yesteryear seems to have been swallowed up by relationship mother-fuckery. A and I are in a nasty place right now and on top of that something weird is going on at work. My work email was deleted which makes me think I've been fired and someone's going to drop the bomb any second now. I can't text back and forth, but I can definitely hold on until tonight's meeting if you can't engage in email counseling. I promised to practice radical acceptance so I guess this is my chance to keep my word.
Love you,
Me
----------------- Reply -----------------From: GSBF Date: Jan 15, 2008 11:17 AM
Ahh grasshopper-
you are mind identifying!
Don't pick up that first think!
Remember you are not your mind!
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions, mamma, about work.There is something astrologically going on with tech stuff..bet mercury is going retrograde.. having major tech issues especially with email the past 24 hours.Remember our wants are never satisfied but our needs are always met. I gotta get something to eat.. I'm H.A.L.T.ing pretty hard myself right now. Feel free to give me a ring during a break.
Love ya!
About the relationship-ville, put it on the shelf and you can deal with it later when you see him.
-GSBF
So simple, so true, so useful. What would I do without that boy?
-----------------From: Ingenue Date: Jan 15, 2008 7:31 AM
Darlingest,
If you can I need to chatter via email. My spiritual resolve of yesteryear seems to have been swallowed up by relationship mother-fuckery. A and I are in a nasty place right now and on top of that something weird is going on at work. My work email was deleted which makes me think I've been fired and someone's going to drop the bomb any second now. I can't text back and forth, but I can definitely hold on until tonight's meeting if you can't engage in email counseling. I promised to practice radical acceptance so I guess this is my chance to keep my word.
Love you,
Me
----------------- Reply -----------------From: GSBF Date: Jan 15, 2008 11:17 AM
Ahh grasshopper-
you are mind identifying!
Don't pick up that first think!
Remember you are not your mind!
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions, mamma, about work.There is something astrologically going on with tech stuff..bet mercury is going retrograde.. having major tech issues especially with email the past 24 hours.Remember our wants are never satisfied but our needs are always met. I gotta get something to eat.. I'm H.A.L.T.ing pretty hard myself right now. Feel free to give me a ring during a break.
Love ya!
About the relationship-ville, put it on the shelf and you can deal with it later when you see him.
-GSBF
So simple, so true, so useful. What would I do without that boy?
Nobody's perfect, right?
This life is so relentlessly perfect. There are no mistakes. Ever. Last night I heard someone say. "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous" and that's true too. Every precious little thing that happens is part of a larger plan. The endgame is enlightenment. The comings and goings of day to day existence are all vehicles to get you there. To that extent, nothing can ever be judged "good" or "bad" because it's all the same. It's all God trying to reveal itself to you. And if nothing can ever be bad than there is never a reason to panic, worry, or freak out. It's all perfect! It's exactly what you need when you need it.
Having said all that, on Sunday night I freaked the fuck out. I think it might have been building up in me but it's hard to pinpoint. Suffice it to say on Sunday night it was unwittingly revealed to me that I was in the same household as an herbal (and illegal) substance that isn't necessarily an addiction for me but remains on the no-no list. Nobody was smoking it, it wasn't in plain sight, and no one would have dreamt of offering it to me. Still, just the knowledge I was trapped, TRAPPED!, in the same house as something I wanted but couldn't have sent me spiralling. I lost my shit. I started frantically pacing back and forth collecting all of my belongings. My mind was racing as I dreamed up ways to beat a hasty retreat and get the hell up out of there. And my body, dear god, my body. I was consumed with such visceral, physical longing that I actually started to tear up with the ache. A was on hand to witness the whole event and couldn't understand what was going on. I wasn't really in the place to explain it to him either. All I could do is silently cry and shake until my words came back to me. But even then, my explanations were pretty feeble seeing as I didn't fully understand this turn of events myself.
Eventually I calmed down and made it home sober and in one piece. I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. It shook me to the core to know that my disease was that freaking close to me. I've been doing so well! I'm in a functional relationship, I blow dry my hair every morning. I do yoga and I wax poetic on my brand new blog. Why the hell would the thought of a bong toke that didn't even exist reduce me to that sort of junkie scrambling?
The answers were quick and certain to the questions I asked. How many meetings did you go to this week? 2 and 1/2. What priority level is your sobriety at right now? Neck and neck with total enlightenment yet sadly just underneath fitting into my 29" waist jeans. Do you really have to ask the question? No. Do you you know why you were freaking out? Yup.
I've known this was coming. I've been seeing it strolling up to me a long way off but I didn't heed my Higher Self's warning. I let my guard down, I slipped into my natural semi-conscious state. And then my disease let me have it. Which really was, the perfect thing to have happened.
I woke up Monday morning with new resolve and clarity. I did my yoga and my mind was quiet. My body was burning, but my head didn't even try to fight it. Nothing else that day went according to plan. The internet connection in my office was down so we were all dead in the water. My co-horts were reading papers and sighing in their boredom. I pulled out Happy Yoga and started highlighting all the point I found relevant in that moment. Pretty soon everyone else had vacated to greener pastures and I was alone in the office. Suddenly I knew I had to something I really didn't want to do. Something I had been avoiding since I got sober. I had to 9th step my divorce attorney who hasn't been paid since he took the case. I had to call him and make direct amends for my transgressions. Even though a vortex of willingness had opened up in me I was still panicked by the thought. I did not want to hear whatever he had to tell me about myself. But I knew I had to hear it.
It went better than I expected! I dealt with it. I apologized and told him honestly that I had been in recovery and was still trying to put all the financial pieces back together after my boozy spending past. He told me that he would finish my case with no prejudice, we could work out the money later, and I was not a horrible deviant person.
Afterwards I felt a peace I don't think I have EVER experienced before in my life. It lasted all day long. I went to two meeting, I shared about my findings, I soaked up the wisdom and love around me. 'Twas truly a lovely, luscious day.
Cut to this morning when I am pretty much returned to my normal state of anxiety. Something weird is going on with A and I and it's not fun. My work email has been accidentally deleted which has of course convinced me that I've been fired and nobody let me know. My ego is desperately trying to convince me to buy into it's shenanigans. But I know what I felt yesterday and I know it was true. There's a part of me that isn't affected by any of this. There's a part of me that's gorgeous and still, beautiful and unchanging. I just can't find it right now because my mind is distracting me. But if I let all of this be EXACTLY as it is, it too shall pass. And after all of that foolishness, there I'll be.
See? Perfect.
Ingenue
Having said all that, on Sunday night I freaked the fuck out. I think it might have been building up in me but it's hard to pinpoint. Suffice it to say on Sunday night it was unwittingly revealed to me that I was in the same household as an herbal (and illegal) substance that isn't necessarily an addiction for me but remains on the no-no list. Nobody was smoking it, it wasn't in plain sight, and no one would have dreamt of offering it to me. Still, just the knowledge I was trapped, TRAPPED!, in the same house as something I wanted but couldn't have sent me spiralling. I lost my shit. I started frantically pacing back and forth collecting all of my belongings. My mind was racing as I dreamed up ways to beat a hasty retreat and get the hell up out of there. And my body, dear god, my body. I was consumed with such visceral, physical longing that I actually started to tear up with the ache. A was on hand to witness the whole event and couldn't understand what was going on. I wasn't really in the place to explain it to him either. All I could do is silently cry and shake until my words came back to me. But even then, my explanations were pretty feeble seeing as I didn't fully understand this turn of events myself.
Eventually I calmed down and made it home sober and in one piece. I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. It shook me to the core to know that my disease was that freaking close to me. I've been doing so well! I'm in a functional relationship, I blow dry my hair every morning. I do yoga and I wax poetic on my brand new blog. Why the hell would the thought of a bong toke that didn't even exist reduce me to that sort of junkie scrambling?
The answers were quick and certain to the questions I asked. How many meetings did you go to this week? 2 and 1/2. What priority level is your sobriety at right now? Neck and neck with total enlightenment yet sadly just underneath fitting into my 29" waist jeans. Do you really have to ask the question? No. Do you you know why you were freaking out? Yup.
I've known this was coming. I've been seeing it strolling up to me a long way off but I didn't heed my Higher Self's warning. I let my guard down, I slipped into my natural semi-conscious state. And then my disease let me have it. Which really was, the perfect thing to have happened.
I woke up Monday morning with new resolve and clarity. I did my yoga and my mind was quiet. My body was burning, but my head didn't even try to fight it. Nothing else that day went according to plan. The internet connection in my office was down so we were all dead in the water. My co-horts were reading papers and sighing in their boredom. I pulled out Happy Yoga and started highlighting all the point I found relevant in that moment. Pretty soon everyone else had vacated to greener pastures and I was alone in the office. Suddenly I knew I had to something I really didn't want to do. Something I had been avoiding since I got sober. I had to 9th step my divorce attorney who hasn't been paid since he took the case. I had to call him and make direct amends for my transgressions. Even though a vortex of willingness had opened up in me I was still panicked by the thought. I did not want to hear whatever he had to tell me about myself. But I knew I had to hear it.
It went better than I expected! I dealt with it. I apologized and told him honestly that I had been in recovery and was still trying to put all the financial pieces back together after my boozy spending past. He told me that he would finish my case with no prejudice, we could work out the money later, and I was not a horrible deviant person.
Afterwards I felt a peace I don't think I have EVER experienced before in my life. It lasted all day long. I went to two meeting, I shared about my findings, I soaked up the wisdom and love around me. 'Twas truly a lovely, luscious day.
Cut to this morning when I am pretty much returned to my normal state of anxiety. Something weird is going on with A and I and it's not fun. My work email has been accidentally deleted which has of course convinced me that I've been fired and nobody let me know. My ego is desperately trying to convince me to buy into it's shenanigans. But I know what I felt yesterday and I know it was true. There's a part of me that isn't affected by any of this. There's a part of me that's gorgeous and still, beautiful and unchanging. I just can't find it right now because my mind is distracting me. But if I let all of this be EXACTLY as it is, it too shall pass. And after all of that foolishness, there I'll be.
See? Perfect.
Ingenue
Friday, January 11, 2008
The best laid plans...
Why, why is it so hard for me to surrender my will? I might as well be asking why I was born a Gemini instead of a mountain goat. I get the idea that this is the main struggle of every one in life. I'm starting to think this is why the Bible makes such a big deal out of the whole GOD gave MAN free will part. God gave us free will so we could choose to freely give it back. "No thanks Big Guy! I'd much rather you make the decisions. It's so messy deciding for myself!"
I'm a funny girl but it's kind of the case. When I was left at the mercy of my will I was a sniveling, alcoholic mess who was becoming well acquainted with death-defying blackouts. My choices were questionable at best. And even worse they didn't even feel like my choices. It felt like some alien being was puppeteering me, pulling my strings to make me hurt myself. With no conscious effort from me. Which is exactly what was happening, really. I was deeply unconscious and my pain body was tossing me around. That was so deep of me! Holy hell, I should get 35 gold stars for making that connection. Anywho...
In Dry, A Memoir Augusten Burroughs wrote something that stuck with me even before I got sober. It went along the lines of: If something feels safe, warm, and comfortable it's probably the Alcoholic choice. If it feels terrifying, unnerving, and completely unlike you it's the first Healthy choice you've ever made. I am trying to live by this doctrine right now because, well, it works. What I want, what I am attracted to, what my ego craves all of that equals self annihilation. So when there's something I really WANT to do, I try and do the opposite.
I'm not always successful. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I just click along satisfying myself out of habit. But there are a few areas where I've been able to reset my desires and I'm proud of that.
1. Chugging Green Smoothies like they're going out of style. This one was actually quite easy, seeing as Green Smoothies are nearly as addictive as whiskey to me. And thank the heavens for that! I can't think of one single thing that has aided my biological healing more. Embracing sobriety is completely different when you're properly nourished.
2. Waking up in the morning (EARLY IN THE MORNING) to do yoga and be on time for work. It may not seem like a lot to you, but this was ruining my life. I was late every single morning since drying out. Starting your day like that makes being sober suck. Thanks to constant prayer, a loving boyfriend, and a cleverly placed alarm clock I now wake up at 5 in the morning like a normal person.
3. Morning Yoga! Yes! Yes! Yes! It is changing my life. I had to establish a moderate and consistent practice and I knew it. For me this meant committing to at least 30 minutes a day of asana. My tendency is to ignore my practice for weeks on end and then spend four days attempting to fast while doing yoga for 73 hours straight. Not fun! I want a loving yoga practice and that is what I'm uncovering with the help of my new found friends Routine and Discipline.
4. I'm doing my steps! I've started on the Step One reading and almost of all The Doctor's Opinion is highlighted green with my identification. I'm working through Bill's story now, and GSBF (my step sponsor) and I will start working that shit. Yes. Thank you Jesus (it's ironic when I say it, when my little sister says it she's completely earnest)! I'm scared but I know I need this. I am so on my Pink Cloud right now and I will do everything in my power to make it through this inexplicable joy w/o relapsing.
5. I am telling the bf the truth and nothing but when it comes to my aversions, fears, and feelings. Most recently this became necessary when I had to admit that I was risking my colon health to avoid going #2 in his bathroom. Please don't ask me why, I know I'm a headcase. This is where I'm still most likely to backtrack. For obvious reasons.
So there's still a lot more work to be done. I still isolate when I feel wounded. I still avoid scary life responsibilities. Right now I am diligently avoiding my divorce attorney's calls because I owe him money. However my final divorce trial date has been set, so it's probably in my best interests to speak with him. And yet. A frightening glimpse into the workings of an alcoholic mind, no?
Te amo mucho,
Ingenue
I'm a funny girl but it's kind of the case. When I was left at the mercy of my will I was a sniveling, alcoholic mess who was becoming well acquainted with death-defying blackouts. My choices were questionable at best. And even worse they didn't even feel like my choices. It felt like some alien being was puppeteering me, pulling my strings to make me hurt myself. With no conscious effort from me. Which is exactly what was happening, really. I was deeply unconscious and my pain body was tossing me around. That was so deep of me! Holy hell, I should get 35 gold stars for making that connection. Anywho...
In Dry, A Memoir Augusten Burroughs wrote something that stuck with me even before I got sober. It went along the lines of: If something feels safe, warm, and comfortable it's probably the Alcoholic choice. If it feels terrifying, unnerving, and completely unlike you it's the first Healthy choice you've ever made. I am trying to live by this doctrine right now because, well, it works. What I want, what I am attracted to, what my ego craves all of that equals self annihilation. So when there's something I really WANT to do, I try and do the opposite.
I'm not always successful. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I just click along satisfying myself out of habit. But there are a few areas where I've been able to reset my desires and I'm proud of that.
1. Chugging Green Smoothies like they're going out of style. This one was actually quite easy, seeing as Green Smoothies are nearly as addictive as whiskey to me. And thank the heavens for that! I can't think of one single thing that has aided my biological healing more. Embracing sobriety is completely different when you're properly nourished.
2. Waking up in the morning (EARLY IN THE MORNING) to do yoga and be on time for work. It may not seem like a lot to you, but this was ruining my life. I was late every single morning since drying out. Starting your day like that makes being sober suck. Thanks to constant prayer, a loving boyfriend, and a cleverly placed alarm clock I now wake up at 5 in the morning like a normal person.
3. Morning Yoga! Yes! Yes! Yes! It is changing my life. I had to establish a moderate and consistent practice and I knew it. For me this meant committing to at least 30 minutes a day of asana. My tendency is to ignore my practice for weeks on end and then spend four days attempting to fast while doing yoga for 73 hours straight. Not fun! I want a loving yoga practice and that is what I'm uncovering with the help of my new found friends Routine and Discipline.
4. I'm doing my steps! I've started on the Step One reading and almost of all The Doctor's Opinion is highlighted green with my identification. I'm working through Bill's story now, and GSBF (my step sponsor) and I will start working that shit. Yes. Thank you Jesus (it's ironic when I say it, when my little sister says it she's completely earnest)! I'm scared but I know I need this. I am so on my Pink Cloud right now and I will do everything in my power to make it through this inexplicable joy w/o relapsing.
5. I am telling the bf the truth and nothing but when it comes to my aversions, fears, and feelings. Most recently this became necessary when I had to admit that I was risking my colon health to avoid going #2 in his bathroom. Please don't ask me why, I know I'm a headcase. This is where I'm still most likely to backtrack. For obvious reasons.
So there's still a lot more work to be done. I still isolate when I feel wounded. I still avoid scary life responsibilities. Right now I am diligently avoiding my divorce attorney's calls because I owe him money. However my final divorce trial date has been set, so it's probably in my best interests to speak with him. And yet. A frightening glimpse into the workings of an alcoholic mind, no?
Te amo mucho,
Ingenue
Thursday, January 10, 2008
And what if I had picked up over that?
So, I decided to reach out and try to connect my words with other alcoholics today. I've been so touched by all of the honesty that's been gifted to me by other AA's that I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and join in. Here was my leap into the abyss:
Sober Girl to BuddyT show details 9:37 AM (2 hours ago)
Thank you for an informative and amazing site!
Would you consider listing my personal blog? It's my story of spiritual recovery and I'd love to have it be accessible to anyone sick and suffering. My address is:http://ingenueinterrupted.blogspot.com/ Thank you so much! Ingenue
Here was the reply I received:
BuddyT to me show details 9:59 AM (2 hours ago)
Hi,
Okay, I went to your blog. I read "My sibling can suck it." I'm afraid I did not see any "spiritual recovery" there I would care to pass on to myvisitors.
BuddyT About.com Guide to Alcoholism http://alcoholism.about.com
Hmmm. OK. Well I admittedly haven't been sober for long, so I may be mistaken here. I thought I heard about 300 people tell me it's really important to get in touch with your feelings, no matter how brutal they are, but I could be wrong. I could have sworn someone mentioned something about journaling anonymously to try and put the pieces together in a safe place where other involved parties are not likely to be hurt. Maybe it was just brain fog from early sobriety tho.
No I'm sure Buddy is right. It's much better for us to judge each other and make sure that all newbies know that some feelings are not right NO MATTER WHAT. You can't drink over it, but bottle it up inside and see if you can't find some new method of self-destruction to unleash on yourself. Far better than admitting that a non-alcoholic sister is hurting your feelings with her uninformed ideas about your sobriety. Sheesh! So I responded:
Sober Girl to BuddyT show details 11:39 AM (52 minutes ago)
I'm sorry you feel that way. While that was simply a post of catharis there are more where I talk about the simple every day grace of being granted another sober day. My writing voice is admittedly young, but certainly not singular. I've read through plenty of the blogs you listed and there aren't only pretty sentiments expressed. The point of my blog is to show simply and honestly the good, the bad, and the ugly of recovering your spirit. I'm surprised to receive this level of judgement from a fellow alcoholic. Which program are you working again? I have 76 day sober today, I'm still counting days, why on earth would you think that I wouldn't have difficult emotions to express? I really expected more from someone who seems to be concerned with helping Alcoholics stay sober. Guess just not this alcoholic, huh?
I was upset at first, but now I find myself undeterred. It's all a lesson one way or another and this one really hits home. A fine, shining example of everything I do not want to be in my recovery. I'm going to go meditate on some of my lingering resentments now, that dude's lack of open-mindedness really put the fear of god in me. Or the fear of ignorance. Whichever comes first....
I.I.
Sober Girl to BuddyT show details 9:37 AM (2 hours ago)
Thank you for an informative and amazing site!
Would you consider listing my personal blog? It's my story of spiritual recovery and I'd love to have it be accessible to anyone sick and suffering. My address is:http://ingenueinterrupted.blogspot.com/ Thank you so much! Ingenue
Here was the reply I received:
BuddyT to me show details 9:59 AM (2 hours ago)
Hi,
Okay, I went to your blog. I read "My sibling can suck it." I'm afraid I did not see any "spiritual recovery" there I would care to pass on to myvisitors.
BuddyT About.com Guide to Alcoholism http://alcoholism.about.com
Hmmm. OK. Well I admittedly haven't been sober for long, so I may be mistaken here. I thought I heard about 300 people tell me it's really important to get in touch with your feelings, no matter how brutal they are, but I could be wrong. I could have sworn someone mentioned something about journaling anonymously to try and put the pieces together in a safe place where other involved parties are not likely to be hurt. Maybe it was just brain fog from early sobriety tho.
No I'm sure Buddy is right. It's much better for us to judge each other and make sure that all newbies know that some feelings are not right NO MATTER WHAT. You can't drink over it, but bottle it up inside and see if you can't find some new method of self-destruction to unleash on yourself. Far better than admitting that a non-alcoholic sister is hurting your feelings with her uninformed ideas about your sobriety. Sheesh! So I responded:
Sober Girl to BuddyT show details 11:39 AM (52 minutes ago)
I'm sorry you feel that way. While that was simply a post of catharis there are more where I talk about the simple every day grace of being granted another sober day. My writing voice is admittedly young, but certainly not singular. I've read through plenty of the blogs you listed and there aren't only pretty sentiments expressed. The point of my blog is to show simply and honestly the good, the bad, and the ugly of recovering your spirit. I'm surprised to receive this level of judgement from a fellow alcoholic. Which program are you working again? I have 76 day sober today, I'm still counting days, why on earth would you think that I wouldn't have difficult emotions to express? I really expected more from someone who seems to be concerned with helping Alcoholics stay sober. Guess just not this alcoholic, huh?
I was upset at first, but now I find myself undeterred. It's all a lesson one way or another and this one really hits home. A fine, shining example of everything I do not want to be in my recovery. I'm going to go meditate on some of my lingering resentments now, that dude's lack of open-mindedness really put the fear of god in me. Or the fear of ignorance. Whichever comes first....
I.I.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I needed that.
"Put it down."
"No."
"Put it down Ingenue."
"No."
"Put it down and engage! You're isolating and you know it!"
I did in fact know that I was isolating, but I could hardly be bothered seeing as I had just gotten my ipod back that morning. I hadn't played a game of ipod solitaire in weeks and past that? I really didn't feel like bonding with other drunks at that moment. Sorry.
The person pointing out my lack of engagement was my Gay Sober Best Friend (known hereafter as GSBF) and he had a valid point although I wasn't ready to acknowledge it. There were plenty of good reasons not to be in an AA meeting right then and I was trying not to stand up and walk out. If ipod solitaire helps me win that battle then let me stack my aces bro. For starters it was 55 degrees in the middle of January. It was so beautiful! People were wandering around wearing nothing but their spring hoodies and unreasonably happy smiles. I had a fully charged ipod loaded up with newly downloaded music and it seemed only right that I be one of the happy souls wandering NYC as well. But no. I am an Alcoholic which means I have to attend AA meetings to discuss the fact that I am an Alcoholic if I want to keep my sexy self sober. No fresh air for me, no sir.
Also, the meetings of late have been dull, dull affairs. No matter how much I try to be still, listen, and learn I find my mind resenting the reality of recovery. (Check out my illiteration today!) Alcoholics tend to have very similar life stories. In the beginning this fact makes it really easy to identify with other Alcoholics thereby recognizing your own disease. Now that I've gotten my little piece of sobriety though, it's getting repetitive. So on this fine, breezy evening I just gave up trying to pretend like I was anything other than bored with A.A. And wouldn't you know it? It worked.
The second the speaker walked up to the podium I knew she was the real deal. Her easy urban/surfer swagger caught my full attention. Bye, bye distraction. Hello presence! Her story was the same as everyone else's but it was so hers that I couldn't help being completely engrossed. With honesty, humour, and depth she revealed which Alchoholic camp she fell into. See, recovering drunks can really only be divided into two categories. Those Who Relapse and Those Who (blessedly)Don't. She had lived through her share of relapses and was fervently praying to be spared any more. Most of us are relapsers because this is a disease defined by relapse. That's what alcohol addiction is. It's picking up a drink even though you know it might kill you. It's an unnatural compulsion to destroy yourself, literally obliterate your being. She knew this all too well. As she shared about how much relapsing took from her a giant cosmic lightbulb fired off exactly two inches above my head.
This is my first time in the rooms, as they say. This is my first stab at recovery so I've not yet experienced the heartache of relapse. Listening to her, I realized that I was slipping into a smugness in my sobriety. I've been doing so well lately that I've been letting myself forget that I am an Alcoholic and relapse is part of the package for me. De-prioritizing my recovery leaves me wide open for disaster. I don't have to force a spiritual epiphany in every meeting, but I do have to show up so the epiphanies can find me.
GSBF and I left at the break to scope another meeting (a meeting which I love btw. They always have coffee and snacks and everyone is happy, mostly gay, and very well dressed) and I took off w/o thanking her. So I'm doing it now. Cheers chica. You made me laugh and opened my heart and mind so I could learn a little bit more about myself. You kept me sober for one more day and it means the world to me. Congrats on your one year back and here's to 15 more.
xoxo I.I.
"No."
"Put it down Ingenue."
"No."
"Put it down and engage! You're isolating and you know it!"
I did in fact know that I was isolating, but I could hardly be bothered seeing as I had just gotten my ipod back that morning. I hadn't played a game of ipod solitaire in weeks and past that? I really didn't feel like bonding with other drunks at that moment. Sorry.
The person pointing out my lack of engagement was my Gay Sober Best Friend (known hereafter as GSBF) and he had a valid point although I wasn't ready to acknowledge it. There were plenty of good reasons not to be in an AA meeting right then and I was trying not to stand up and walk out. If ipod solitaire helps me win that battle then let me stack my aces bro. For starters it was 55 degrees in the middle of January. It was so beautiful! People were wandering around wearing nothing but their spring hoodies and unreasonably happy smiles. I had a fully charged ipod loaded up with newly downloaded music and it seemed only right that I be one of the happy souls wandering NYC as well. But no. I am an Alcoholic which means I have to attend AA meetings to discuss the fact that I am an Alcoholic if I want to keep my sexy self sober. No fresh air for me, no sir.
Also, the meetings of late have been dull, dull affairs. No matter how much I try to be still, listen, and learn I find my mind resenting the reality of recovery. (Check out my illiteration today!) Alcoholics tend to have very similar life stories. In the beginning this fact makes it really easy to identify with other Alcoholics thereby recognizing your own disease. Now that I've gotten my little piece of sobriety though, it's getting repetitive. So on this fine, breezy evening I just gave up trying to pretend like I was anything other than bored with A.A. And wouldn't you know it? It worked.
The second the speaker walked up to the podium I knew she was the real deal. Her easy urban/surfer swagger caught my full attention. Bye, bye distraction. Hello presence! Her story was the same as everyone else's but it was so hers that I couldn't help being completely engrossed. With honesty, humour, and depth she revealed which Alchoholic camp she fell into. See, recovering drunks can really only be divided into two categories. Those Who Relapse and Those Who (blessedly)Don't. She had lived through her share of relapses and was fervently praying to be spared any more. Most of us are relapsers because this is a disease defined by relapse. That's what alcohol addiction is. It's picking up a drink even though you know it might kill you. It's an unnatural compulsion to destroy yourself, literally obliterate your being. She knew this all too well. As she shared about how much relapsing took from her a giant cosmic lightbulb fired off exactly two inches above my head.
This is my first time in the rooms, as they say. This is my first stab at recovery so I've not yet experienced the heartache of relapse. Listening to her, I realized that I was slipping into a smugness in my sobriety. I've been doing so well lately that I've been letting myself forget that I am an Alcoholic and relapse is part of the package for me. De-prioritizing my recovery leaves me wide open for disaster. I don't have to force a spiritual epiphany in every meeting, but I do have to show up so the epiphanies can find me.
GSBF and I left at the break to scope another meeting (a meeting which I love btw. They always have coffee and snacks and everyone is happy, mostly gay, and very well dressed) and I took off w/o thanking her. So I'm doing it now. Cheers chica. You made me laugh and opened my heart and mind so I could learn a little bit more about myself. You kept me sober for one more day and it means the world to me. Congrats on your one year back and here's to 15 more.
xoxo I.I.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Rest, read, write. Repeat.
I haven't had my ipod on since Dec. 23. I was on vacation without access to my laptop and it ran out of juice. I let it chill until New Year's eve when I took it to A's house to charge it back to life. In true Ingenue fashion I left my lover's house that night sans ipod and got down to the business at hand. That business being learning how to entertain myself on subway rides w/o my commuting playlist. Hindsight being 20/20 I think this was really the best medicine I could have found myself. The last two weeks have been devoted to reading, writing and I'd love to say 'rythmetic, but I've never been down with the numbers game.
It's amazing how much of my life is whittled away by the constant need to entertain myself. A remarked on it the other day while I was absentmindedly checking my email, watching Factory Girl, reading the latest tome of an amazing woman, and eating soba noodles while wondering out loud if it might be nice to get a pizza. This is me smack dab in the middle of my monkey mind realm and what I love best about A is that he spots it. And points it out. And ridicules me for my insanity.
For instance: I like to watch the same movies again and again and again. I don't necessarily watch them per se, I just like to have them on in the background because I find it tremendously comforting. And in this crazy world don't we need all the comfort we can get? A, on the other hand, considers this nothing short of a cinematic travesty. In His world, if a filmmaker put all of his blood, sweat, and tears into a film for better or worse he/she deserves a viewer's undivided attention. If there's an important movie he wants to watch with me he refuses to press play until I have dropped my book or whatever else I'm doing. He doesn't even watch movies he really likes more than three times and that to me is just plain batshit. My god, I've watched Rent 43 times and I didn't even like that movie.
What's strange is this. Lately, I only act like that at His house. You would think that I would reserve this kind of tail chasing for the privacy of my own home. Not so! When I'm at my house I flow pretty peacefully between reading, yoga, eating, maybe some tv, a nice bath, ahhhh sleep. It is totally not an issue. I also spend a fair amount of time avoiding my dishes, but that's a blog for another time. No, it's only at His house where I scurry around trying to fill every moment with at least 4 mutually exclusive activities. Why would that be?
The easy answer here is that my boyfriend scares me. Not in the scary, abusive, misogynist sort of way, not at all! A is the opposite of all that is skeevy. But I really don't know how to sit quietly in the presence of such love and just enjoy it. It pretty much freaks me out. And when I get freaked out I act like a two year old and demand my favorite movies, and sugary treats to dope me up. When I'm freaked I can't be still, it feels much more reasonable to be darting between a few objectives. Moving targets and all that. But A sees all and A mentions all. Because of this award-winning character trait of his, I am getting a much clearer picture of myself. It's like Me through the eyes of the Man Burdened with the Task of Loving Me. And my ego loves taking something that's actually quite simple and making it as complex as is egoically possible.
So this is actually quite good for me. It's good to have these mental blocks popping up so I can review them and see them dissolve under the light of my presence. My favorite moments in life are the ones where my mind stays pretty much out of it and the experience overwhelms the need for analysis. It's good to remember. Is a life without silence a life worth living? Is a love without stillness a love worth loving? Well obviously, yes, all love is worth it, but you get my drift. I'm just saying.
xoxo Ingenue
It's amazing how much of my life is whittled away by the constant need to entertain myself. A remarked on it the other day while I was absentmindedly checking my email, watching Factory Girl, reading the latest tome of an amazing woman, and eating soba noodles while wondering out loud if it might be nice to get a pizza. This is me smack dab in the middle of my monkey mind realm and what I love best about A is that he spots it. And points it out. And ridicules me for my insanity.
For instance: I like to watch the same movies again and again and again. I don't necessarily watch them per se, I just like to have them on in the background because I find it tremendously comforting. And in this crazy world don't we need all the comfort we can get? A, on the other hand, considers this nothing short of a cinematic travesty. In His world, if a filmmaker put all of his blood, sweat, and tears into a film for better or worse he/she deserves a viewer's undivided attention. If there's an important movie he wants to watch with me he refuses to press play until I have dropped my book or whatever else I'm doing. He doesn't even watch movies he really likes more than three times and that to me is just plain batshit. My god, I've watched Rent 43 times and I didn't even like that movie.
What's strange is this. Lately, I only act like that at His house. You would think that I would reserve this kind of tail chasing for the privacy of my own home. Not so! When I'm at my house I flow pretty peacefully between reading, yoga, eating, maybe some tv, a nice bath, ahhhh sleep. It is totally not an issue. I also spend a fair amount of time avoiding my dishes, but that's a blog for another time. No, it's only at His house where I scurry around trying to fill every moment with at least 4 mutually exclusive activities. Why would that be?
The easy answer here is that my boyfriend scares me. Not in the scary, abusive, misogynist sort of way, not at all! A is the opposite of all that is skeevy. But I really don't know how to sit quietly in the presence of such love and just enjoy it. It pretty much freaks me out. And when I get freaked out I act like a two year old and demand my favorite movies, and sugary treats to dope me up. When I'm freaked I can't be still, it feels much more reasonable to be darting between a few objectives. Moving targets and all that. But A sees all and A mentions all. Because of this award-winning character trait of his, I am getting a much clearer picture of myself. It's like Me through the eyes of the Man Burdened with the Task of Loving Me. And my ego loves taking something that's actually quite simple and making it as complex as is egoically possible.
So this is actually quite good for me. It's good to have these mental blocks popping up so I can review them and see them dissolve under the light of my presence. My favorite moments in life are the ones where my mind stays pretty much out of it and the experience overwhelms the need for analysis. It's good to remember. Is a life without silence a life worth living? Is a love without stillness a love worth loving? Well obviously, yes, all love is worth it, but you get my drift. I'm just saying.
xoxo Ingenue
Friday, January 4, 2008
I knew it, but I won't say I told you so.
Who likes astrology? I do! I do! I like astrology so much that I pretty much schedule my life around it's calls. No, I don't stay at home in bed if the NY Post horoscope tells me doom is a'coming. I'm far more progressive than that. I read 4 or 5 different horoscopes for the day, pick out the one I like best, and then devotedly adhere to it's wisdom.
Seriously, I think astrology offers a lot of wisdom. I've been drawn to the idea of divine, cosmic patterns since I can remember. I was raised by a young mother who had a bit of a Cosmopolitan fetish. Our favorite time of year was when the January issue came out with the requisite Bedside Astrologer. Oh the joy! It told me the colors I should wear for the year to insure romantic success. As an uncertain yet precocious eight year old I found this information to be crucial. I had a much harder time decoding what the all-knowing B.A. meant by, "You will find new ways to stimulate you lover between the sheets. Meow!" I mean, hey, I was eight. I planned quite a few misguided sleep-overs because of copy like that.
But I digress. The point is my love of astrology grew with me over the years. It deepened and matured and now I'm pretty much an unofficial expert.
Which is why I was as surprised as anybody to realize that I was smack-dab in the midst of my Saturn Return and I didn't even realize it. The Saturn Return is not something that you see in your average daily, weekly, or monthly horoscopes. Your Saturn Return happens every 29 1/2 years when Saturn returns to the sign it was in when you were born. Saturn Returns are notoriously brutal. People lose jobs, homes, and leave relationships. If you are not living authentically Saturn will do his damndest to force you into a more honest path for your 3rd decade of life. It is everyone's coming of age and it starts when your 28 and ends when your 30 and some change. Sound familiar? No one can escape it and resistance is futile.
Figuring out where Saturn is in your birth chart is pretty much decoding your life's purpose, crusades, and obstacles. Now don't freak out on me, there's some wiggle room and of course you are an individual and all that shit. But there is an underlying astrological flavor to anyone's mission and here's mine:
Seriously, I think astrology offers a lot of wisdom. I've been drawn to the idea of divine, cosmic patterns since I can remember. I was raised by a young mother who had a bit of a Cosmopolitan fetish. Our favorite time of year was when the January issue came out with the requisite Bedside Astrologer. Oh the joy! It told me the colors I should wear for the year to insure romantic success. As an uncertain yet precocious eight year old I found this information to be crucial. I had a much harder time decoding what the all-knowing B.A. meant by, "You will find new ways to stimulate you lover between the sheets. Meow!" I mean, hey, I was eight. I planned quite a few misguided sleep-overs because of copy like that.
But I digress. The point is my love of astrology grew with me over the years. It deepened and matured and now I'm pretty much an unofficial expert.
Which is why I was as surprised as anybody to realize that I was smack-dab in the midst of my Saturn Return and I didn't even realize it. The Saturn Return is not something that you see in your average daily, weekly, or monthly horoscopes. Your Saturn Return happens every 29 1/2 years when Saturn returns to the sign it was in when you were born. Saturn Returns are notoriously brutal. People lose jobs, homes, and leave relationships. If you are not living authentically Saturn will do his damndest to force you into a more honest path for your 3rd decade of life. It is everyone's coming of age and it starts when your 28 and ends when your 30 and some change. Sound familiar? No one can escape it and resistance is futile.
Figuring out where Saturn is in your birth chart is pretty much decoding your life's purpose, crusades, and obstacles. Now don't freak out on me, there's some wiggle room and of course you are an individual and all that shit. But there is an underlying astrological flavor to anyone's mission and here's mine:
Saturn in Virgo Issues and Traits:
- perfectionism
- mental and physical health
- preventive and alternative healthcare
- mind body connection
- service
- whose slave are you? and it's correlate, you are only as good as the master you serve
- digestive disorders, anorexia, bulimia, diarrhea, Chron's disease
- soul mates
- chaos and order
- compulsive disorders
- psychosomatic illness
- nerves and hyper sensitivity
- refined intellect
- ability to focus
- seeing the parts and the whole
Oh. My. Holy. Jesus. This perfectly describes, nay, mandates! the chaos that my life has been dissolving into since Fall of last year. To be fair, the alcoholism had been steadily growing worse for years leading up to the break. But the Do or Die, Now or Never, Somebody Save Me or I'm Out energies of September, October, and since perfectly match my Saturn Return.
My entire life essentially boils down to my struggle to eradicate my self-destructive tendencies and addictions. I am an addictive personality to the third power. I feel like I was a born with a tattoo on my heart that said; if some is good then more is better and if you can't have it all, Fuck It. I can become addicted to absolutely anything. And the core of my addiction is always the same. I convince myself that I am deeply broken and flawed and my addiction will make me whole. If I can't be whole by way of my addiction then I won't be able to live at all. And even if I could live without the object of my obsession, what would be the point?
This state of affairs has left me pretty shaken. I have never in my adult life known what it was like to live in a physical/mental state that wasn't chemically altered somehow. Giving up the doozies Alcohol and Drugs is a huge step forward but I feel like I have so much more to do. Lately I have been harrassed by constant fantasies of a perfect raw vegan diet, a disciplined and devoted Yoga practice, and a clean and purified home (metaphor for my body, my temple. Get it?). Basically a life of commitment, contentment, peace, and purity. Cleansed. Sweet smelling.
This couldn't be further from my current mode of operation. I'm one foot in, one foot out and its driving me out of my shit. I no longer drink or drug, but I smoke like a chimney and my caffiene consumption borders on psychotic. I prefer Raw Foods above all else but seem to be completely incapable of getting myself into the routine of: a. cleaning my kitchen (nuclear levels of filth there) and b. buying my groceries in a regular of enough fashion to keep myself in produce. I mean, I'm getting there, and if I just snapped my fingers and made it happen overnight it would hardly feel like lasting growth, would it? This is 13 years of habitual destruction I'm transforming. It's going to take a minute.
Overall, I'm just pleased as punch that I'm finally getting on with it, you know? I feel ready to answer this call. While the process isn't always pleasant, it's liberating. The dead weight is being released. I am coming ever closer to serving this world with grace instead of draining it with my constant tragedies. Whatever that costs me, I'll gladly pay. Totally worth it.
I.I.
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