Brave New Day....

Whew....I've pulled out of that one just in time. What is that "one" I'm referring too? Ummm, that would be the weird funk/depression/mind fuck that completely consumed my 6th month of sobriety. I can't say all's been lost. I'm still sober. I feel stronger, and all around more enlightened to the true nature of my inner self right now. All the pseudo-spiritual jargon what-have-you's aside I've been through something incredibly profound. I've grown up.

I wouldn't say it happened in the last month alone, but it's been the past 4 weeks where I've really felt the growing pains. I didn't realize that's what was happening. I thought I was experiencing some sort of total mental collapse. Last week at this time, I would have sworn to you I had no central nervous system left. What with all the pacing, sobbing, and newly developed nervous tics. That shit was oogly and baffling to boot! I had no idea where it was coming from. One week I was on this massive social bender; drinking coffee until 4 in the morning with cute boys, female bonding sleepovers, and meetings out the yahoo. Fellowship, bitches! And then, with not so much as a whisper of warning, I changed my mind. I started retreating from newly developed friendships, I started throwing around excuses not to go to my favorite meetings. (Although, it must be said, getting routinely bitched out by a 6'2" tranny while trying to get programmed seemed like a completely valid excuse at the time).

I started spending more time in bed. I started crying. And once the tears started flowing, I wasn't sure they were going to stop. I spent entire nights crying at my walls. I was completely incapable of carrying on a conversation with Mama Dearest w/o dissolving into hysterics.

"Mom, it's bad. Seriously, I've never in my life been this low before....I'm just in so much pain..."

That was the God's honest truth. I was in huge amounts of pain and the first thought that sprang to mind was, "Now would be an excellent time to relapse."

Sigh. Feelings suck.

I didn't relapse, I've climbed out of my pity pit, and I'm slowly putting the pieces back together. Alot can go awry in four weeks of self-destructive sobbing! Rent can go unpaid, flights tend to remain unbooked, dishes stay unwashed. Everything stagnates, life-wise, without the bare minimum effort required. I've learned this the hardway.

But the solution...oh the solution's been glorious...more on that to come....

xoxo Ingenue

(The solution has involved lots of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Yoga, Raw Foods, Parliament Lights, and Prayer. This is the recipe for a total miracle, let me tell you...:)

Where has our love gone, Blog?

I do not feel witty or inspired. I do not like re-reading blog postings that don't read like little slices of genius. I do not like have my musings misinterpreted and dissected by well meaning commenters. Because of all of these things, the passion has cooled between us Bloggy. And I'm sorry for that. If it makes any difference at all, I've missed you dearly. I have no idea how to catch you up on all the shit that's gone down since my last post, so I'll keep it to the day at hand. The past is frankly irrelevant (and yet, strangely, it never quite leaves us does it?)

So here (in no particular order) are the greatest hits of my day:

• I'm ragging but it's not as bad as it's been. It kind of just snuck up on me, honestly. I also think there is DEFINITE divine reason at play here, becaue I'd been toying with the idea of getting some lovin' (different guy, of course) but this obvs puts the kibosh on that for the moment.
• I haven't eaten lunch today and it's 3:24pm. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
• I've gotten a new sponsor who I am thrilled about. I've wanted to work with her since I the very beginning of this strange, sober journey. This is a really happy thing for me.
• I've not yet told GSBF that he will no longer be sponsoring me. This is a really troubling thing for me.
• There's a boy (I swear it feels like there's always a boy) and instead of making me happy it's made me a bit, well, psycho. My inner voices have turned on me and I find myself compulsively checking my email every two minutes for more thrilling bits of discourse. My Mother says the boys are going to keep popping up to terrorize my serenity until I learn NOT TO ATTACH MY HAPPINESS TO THE ACTIONS OF MEN (or anyone else for that matter).

But isn't that the spiritual quest of anyone's lifetime? Not to attach? I try, I do try, but despite my best efforts, niggling little thoughts sneak in and grow into the hundred armed hydra, sucking the joy out of my psyche. Right now, that's not such a bad thing to be going through tho. Everytime my thoughts turn to J and what he's thinking about, and why hasn't he responded to my witty bon mot, and whatever else; I am aware. I am keenly aware when I start debating with myself over whether or not I'll go to my favorite meeting because he may want to take me to dinner AT JUST THAT TIME. Everytime I leave this blog post to check my hotmail for a word from him (totally just did that) I think, can this be right? Am I really that girl?

And the answer is a resounding, yes. And no. It's a definite maybe, anyway. I've been that girl for a very long time. And those habitual thought patterns are influencing my situations today. But that doesn't make it true. It's all in my head, literally! And that's why I will not be shying away from the emotions that dating is drudging up. That is why I'm ok to tell on myself. Let what lives in the dark come into the light! Fuck it! True self love is accepting yourself exactly as you are, with no revisions. This is my headspace now and it's all good....

Getting out of here to grab some chow and hit a meeting....

xoxo

Let's stay in touch blog-

Ingenue