Birthday GRRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My birthday was actually this past Saturday, but I am now 3 to the 0. Is it just me or does that KICK ASS? I mean, really, 30 is a brand new decade. I'm sober, I'm fifth stepped, I'm blonde, I'm fearless. What's not to love here? But the real gifts of this birthday just keep piling up. It's not what I would have asked for, but clearly God has chosen to celebrate my arrival into my Dirty Thirties......

GD's Gifts to Me:

• On Thursday my sponsor sat for 7 hours (WHEN THE WOMAN HAD MONO) to hear my fifth step. She helped me see things about myself that I've been batshit blind to for the last 29 years. Nothing's felt the same since, and I am truly ready to march into this wild world and right the wrongs, bring the funk and bring the noise. I feel like a warrior princess gone gorgeous, and 90% of that is in seeing where my defects are (and praying daily that they be removed from me, so I can fully serve this Universe).


• On Friday, just after my spiritual experience, I got to qualify at one of my FAV women's meetings. Normally, qualifications for me are ego-driven Team Ingenue Extravaganzas. This one felt different from the jump. I was moved people. Can I get a witness?


• On Saturday (otherwise known as THE BIG DAY) I did yoga, took about a million birthday phone calls, ate a red velvet cupcake given to my by my roomie, and laid out in the sun. After that came the DANCING because it wouldn't be a weekend, let alone a birthday, without dancing.


• On Sunday the Universe said happy birthday to me with a New Moon in Gemini. A New Moon in your sign, ON YOUR DAMN BIRTHDAY, is a huuuuuuge deal. It doesn't happen very often. When it does, one must be prepared to harness that shit and take the ride. You say your New Moon wishes, you spiritually prepare yourself for change, and you step into the unknown.

A spiritual experience, a New Moon, a full dancecard, and the gift of being me! Happy Birthday, indeed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ingenue

I don't know how...I don't know why.....

I feel amazing today. Like, really fantastic. I'm working seven days in a row, I haven't showered since Friday (it's Sunday morning), but I feel better than I have in a while. I feel cute (thanks to my favorite slouchy hat which covers up seriously grungy hair and brings the adorable all at the same time), my muscles are presently in love with me (thanks to Exercise TV) and I am happy. Fancy that!

Today is not the sort of day I would have planned out for myself. I'm technically on duty at the jobsite, but I have more freedom to wander and catch a meeting and drop off my laundry and all that happy horseshit. Yesterday I felt completely LOCKED DOWN and I had a really hard time accepting the fact that I was going to have a 13 hour workday, ON A FREAKING SATURDAY, when Times Square was just outside my door filled with happy, joyous, and free tourists who had NO FUCKING IDEA how much I was suffering mere feet away from their joviality.

This is where my head goes when I am in Active Resistance Mode. It doesn't matter what I'm resisting, form does not follow function in this case. It could be that my pedicure is taking too long. It could be a dinner where 10 people too many showed up, and I wanted it to be intimate and cozy. It could be a seventeen hour work day, or it could be a day off where nobody else wants to play.

Active Resistance Mode is simply me finding my body in one place, and my mind wishing it were somewhere else. I start daydreaming, and then I start mentally conniving, and then I start silently begging, and next comes the fuming. After a few hours of all of this inner dialogue I take it to the streets and start shouting at whoever I've decided Is. To. Blame. for the fact that I am being held somewhere against my will.

It's pretty fucking painful, I can tell you that much. It's an even more horrible headspace now that I rarely occupy it. I've had a taste of freedom and surrender and whenever I lock myself back up it's completely unbearable because I know all to well what's on the other side of the bars.....

Today, I surrendered to the Universe and the Universe surrendered itself to me. Off to enjoy my dirty hair and my sunlit spirit.

Construction Kisses,
Ingenue

Confessions of a Nutrition Junkie

Email I wrote this morning to Heather Strang, Conscious Eating Diva Extroardinare


Subject: I love your mission!‏

From:
Ingenue
Sent:
Fri 5/01/09 9:02 AM
To:
heather@heatherstrang.com

I am so called to food issues, and alot of what I just read on your blog speaks to the many different nutritional callings I've had over the past few years. I have a VERY difficult time integrating all of the different paths I've taken foodwise into one thing that works for me.

Sugar and hypoglycemia are my main issues so I love the craving free life that low carb gives me. But I grow weary of eggs for breakfast every morning, and a life lived w/o watermelon and Green Smoothies, is no kind of life at all in my opinion.

I loved raw food (ate raw for almost two years) but suffered from daily hypoglycemia symptoms. It was weird, I felt nutrients coursing through me ALL THE TIME, but had wild ups and downs, mood swings and anxiety. I was doing a super high fruit deal at the time though, so there is that.

Organic vegan usually finds me getting down with way too much bread, and I miss lean protein sources, but ethically I feel way superior. :)

And typical S.A.D. just makes me feel depleted in the self esteem department, in every way, but it's so damn easy to slip into.

I feel like I keep getting called back to wheat-free, dairy-free, and definitely SUGAR-free (sugar turns me into a sociopath) as the foundation of a eating plan the works for me. I've been so impressionable for so long, that if anyone else lost 35 pounds with it, I wanted to do it, like yesterday. But these days I'm more concerned with finding out what my body wants, and your blog inspired me greatly to that end.

Cheers,
Ingenue