Magical Thinking. Friend or foe?

Well I'm back, and just to get the pre-functionals out of the way, I'm 13 months sober and on my eighth step. Are we happy now? Oh, I don't mean to be non plussed about my sobriety, it's a miracle, I'm so grateful, yadda yadda yadda.

It's just, well, sobriety is sort of my normal state now. When I first started this blog I had only 69 days sober. (69, snicker) And while my lessons haven't stopped, my obsession to drink has been soundly lifted. So I have to remind myself DAILY that this wasn't always so. Once upon a time, Ingenue couldn't stop drinking no matter how hard she tried. Or how bad it got. Once upon a time, Ingenue was convinced she couldn't make it to 90 days sober. Because this girl forgets all too easily.

These days it's my life, and not my hangovers, driving me BATSHIT. Every time I think I have my plan of attack together, every time I think I have perfected my outside appearance of competence, something else (usually of a professional nature) happens and knocks me right back into the crazies. I'm actually really happy with the way things turn out, in the end, but I just haven't really felt balanced or sane for (hmmm) months now? Is this something I should be concerned about?

It's work. The actively alcoholic version of Me picked out the single most stressful job I could have imagined some 13 months ago. I wanted the paycheck, the uniqueness of being a young female in a man's industry, and the outside perks that I thought I couldn't live without. So whilst still in my alcoholic manipulative abilities I managed to talk my way into this position. And I did so with the best of intentions! Suffice it to say, this job is actually a tremendous amount of work, and I struggle with myself daily to not throw in the towel. I'm far more capable than I've ever let myself express on a consistent basis. And now my life is demanding that capability from me.

Enter the Magical Thinking epidemic. I really didn't know there was a name for what I had, but there is and as long as I can remember I've always, ALWAYS been a magical thinker. I've been reading Cosmo Bedside Astrologer since I'm like, eight years old. And believing evewry word of it! But far more importantly, shit like the Secret, and manifestations and all that....that stuff gets me. Because I DO believe my thoughts become things and I think some pretty sinister shit.

It's really AstrologyZone that fucks me up the worst though. Susan Miller really puts me through it. Last month in the November horoscope for Gemini she called out the full moon on December 12th as being a uniquely horrible and unexpected disaster sort of day. So six weeks ago, I started to quietly panic. I had big shit scheduled for Decembr 12th! I had a liscensing, and talks with the Bosses scheduled! WTF?!?!?! And more importantly, was there any conceivable way to innoculate myself against said Uranus/Saturn conjuction? Was this the sort of thing that major affirmation therapy can counteract or was I just a sitting duck?

It really only got worse from there. Everytime I tried to convince myself that I wasn't taking it that seriously, something would catch my attention and I would convince myself it was a foreshadowing of this awful upcoming full moon. In fact these little things would convienently manage to pop up whenever I was most desperate to avoid the reality of the work sitting right in front of me. Mayhaps an addicitive personality should not be trusted with the belief that she can access advance knowledge of her future, eh? Maybe, just maybe, this throws off the whole one day at a time thing. For this alcoholic, anyways, the zodiac has become a real avoidance therapy.

Sober life is so fast moving! Everything's always growing and shifting and changing these days, and my reliance on horoscopes has always been an attempt to get a strong grip and ride it out. (And I was relying on horoscopes long before sobriety, but whatever). The point is, things that worked for me in my drunken girlhood, don't always work for me in sobriety.

I'm getting the idea that my online horoscope addiction is yet another thing to be chucked into the DO NOT TOUCH UNLESS YOU LIKE THE IDEA OF RELAPSE pile. There's work to be done, and it's meant to be done between my HP and I. So my prayer:

God,
I am utterly powerless over my addiction to online astrologers and soothsayers. And while it may not seem like a big deal, I don't like the fear and the free floating anxiety it encourages in me. I don't like the time I spend searching through 13 horoscopes for one that makes me feel better. I used to think you spoke to me through online horoscopes, but now I'd rather find another way for us to communicate. This is getting too weird and painful. I can't seem to break this habit, but I know that you can relieve me of it. Please do!

Amen,
Ingenue

P.S. I'd also love to be a non-smoker, a size smaller, and the single best super in my company. But, all in good time. All in good time.

So this is what the Otherside looks like......

I'm well over 1 yr sober now. Did you know? It's been a wild ride, but here I am. I've been through a fourth step, a fifth step, a near layoff, and a craigslist addiction and yet, I'm still sober.


Bless,
Ingenue

May?!?!?!?! I last blogged in MAY? Yeesh. Well, I really don’t have much to say for myself other than the fact that it’s flown by. And once again, I’m at a loss as to how to update. So much has changed. I’ve really changed and whoever’s run around harping about how people never change needs to spend some time in an AA meeting or six. I’m simply not the same girl. Cue David Bowie- Turn to face the change, baby.

I was emailing a beloved girlfriend from back in the day and trying to have the same conversation. What’s going on with me? In the modern girl world you give the rundown: Seeing someone fabulous, just broke up with an asshole. Got promoted, thinking about quitting this dead end job. New apartment, hate my roommates. You know, the stuff that ends up making a life, a life. Everybody understands when you speak on these levels, and as you get older the stakes get a bit higher. I’m getting married, he’s divorcing me. I’m having a baby, we can’t get pregnant. Your women understand, they’ve been through it as well.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of these external circumstances to excuse my radical inner shift. My life these days is less about what’s been added and much more about what’s been taken away. I’m coming closer and closer to the true core of myself, and I’ve discovered some startling things about who I really am.

1. I can’t have casual sex without getting emotionally involved. For anyone who doesn’t think this is a giant epiphany please feel free to reference earlier blog entries where I was OBSSESSED with finding myself no strings attached lovers. It’s a little thing and a big thing all at the same time. Does this mean that I’m never going to date again? Absolutely not. Let’s not be rash here. I am in my sexual prime, after all. It’s just that if I do it, I need to be prepared (honestly, truthfully prepared) for what will REALLY happen. I don’t need to elaborate here do I? Is there anyone who hasn’t been through the infatuation = insecurity gauntlet?

2. I have FOOD ISSUES. I have Capital F, Capital I freaking FOOD ISSUES. And these issues revolve around what the hell’s going on in my head far more than what I’m putting in my mouth. It’s something to do with restriction and reward, a sort of psychic binge and purge mentality. When my life starts moving too fast and I flip out, the very next course of action for me is to start severely restricting calories, carbs, cooked food- you get my drift. In times when I should be really gentle and nourishing with myself, I inevitably choose to rape, pillage, and plunder my inner warehouse. The flip side of this is that when I’m spiritually well, I make fantastic food choices that please me greatly with no mental debate involved. For me, it is truly an inside job.

3. When I’m not having sex with someone, I eat a lot more.

4. This Bad-ass Ex-Rebel Chic needs her goddamn routines. End of subject. For someone who used to court chaos and mayhem on an hourly scale, this is truly a sign of some sort of sober apocalypse. I like waking up at 5am, I like working out, and then I get my meditation on. I take my time in the shower, roommates be damned, and I blow dry my hair. I catch the 6:43 train and I’m on my site by 7:06. After that all bets are off, but by God, my mornings are mine.
I still don’t like paying my bills. Sigh. Sobriety’s taking it’s sweet time with that one. However, not paying my bills upsets me far more deeply than it ever did before. When I was a younger woman I could blithely ignore eviction notices and nasty black marks on my credit report. Now if my landlord so much as gives me the side-eye in the middle of the month I’m running for my checkbook. So I am paying my bills. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Ingenue’s Electric Bill = Instant Resentment.

5. I am one Grateful Bitch. Sometimes I get shy about openly expressing my Gratitude (especially in meetings where there are buttloads of snarling, grumbly, oldtimey men) but express it I must. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve my recovery but I’m so happy it’s happened. I’ve spent a lot of my life in deep suffering and what I suffer I tend to inflict on others. My misery has brought turmoil to the lives of just about everyone around me so as I get better, they get some much needed relief as well.

I’m so fucking golden right now. I’m a basketcase and a mess most days, but I’m an honest (and hot) mess. Being me- day in, day out- kicks gorilla ass.

I’m just saying.

Brave New Day....

Whew....I've pulled out of that one just in time. What is that "one" I'm referring too? Ummm, that would be the weird funk/depression/mind fuck that completely consumed my 6th month of sobriety. I can't say all's been lost. I'm still sober. I feel stronger, and all around more enlightened to the true nature of my inner self right now. All the pseudo-spiritual jargon what-have-you's aside I've been through something incredibly profound. I've grown up.

I wouldn't say it happened in the last month alone, but it's been the past 4 weeks where I've really felt the growing pains. I didn't realize that's what was happening. I thought I was experiencing some sort of total mental collapse. Last week at this time, I would have sworn to you I had no central nervous system left. What with all the pacing, sobbing, and newly developed nervous tics. That shit was oogly and baffling to boot! I had no idea where it was coming from. One week I was on this massive social bender; drinking coffee until 4 in the morning with cute boys, female bonding sleepovers, and meetings out the yahoo. Fellowship, bitches! And then, with not so much as a whisper of warning, I changed my mind. I started retreating from newly developed friendships, I started throwing around excuses not to go to my favorite meetings. (Although, it must be said, getting routinely bitched out by a 6'2" tranny while trying to get programmed seemed like a completely valid excuse at the time).

I started spending more time in bed. I started crying. And once the tears started flowing, I wasn't sure they were going to stop. I spent entire nights crying at my walls. I was completely incapable of carrying on a conversation with Mama Dearest w/o dissolving into hysterics.

"Mom, it's bad. Seriously, I've never in my life been this low before....I'm just in so much pain..."

That was the God's honest truth. I was in huge amounts of pain and the first thought that sprang to mind was, "Now would be an excellent time to relapse."

Sigh. Feelings suck.

I didn't relapse, I've climbed out of my pity pit, and I'm slowly putting the pieces back together. Alot can go awry in four weeks of self-destructive sobbing! Rent can go unpaid, flights tend to remain unbooked, dishes stay unwashed. Everything stagnates, life-wise, without the bare minimum effort required. I've learned this the hardway.

But the solution...oh the solution's been glorious...more on that to come....

xoxo Ingenue

(The solution has involved lots of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Yoga, Raw Foods, Parliament Lights, and Prayer. This is the recipe for a total miracle, let me tell you...:)

Where has our love gone, Blog?

I do not feel witty or inspired. I do not like re-reading blog postings that don't read like little slices of genius. I do not like have my musings misinterpreted and dissected by well meaning commenters. Because of all of these things, the passion has cooled between us Bloggy. And I'm sorry for that. If it makes any difference at all, I've missed you dearly. I have no idea how to catch you up on all the shit that's gone down since my last post, so I'll keep it to the day at hand. The past is frankly irrelevant (and yet, strangely, it never quite leaves us does it?)

So here (in no particular order) are the greatest hits of my day:

• I'm ragging but it's not as bad as it's been. It kind of just snuck up on me, honestly. I also think there is DEFINITE divine reason at play here, becaue I'd been toying with the idea of getting some lovin' (different guy, of course) but this obvs puts the kibosh on that for the moment.
• I haven't eaten lunch today and it's 3:24pm. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
• I've gotten a new sponsor who I am thrilled about. I've wanted to work with her since I the very beginning of this strange, sober journey. This is a really happy thing for me.
• I've not yet told GSBF that he will no longer be sponsoring me. This is a really troubling thing for me.
• There's a boy (I swear it feels like there's always a boy) and instead of making me happy it's made me a bit, well, psycho. My inner voices have turned on me and I find myself compulsively checking my email every two minutes for more thrilling bits of discourse. My Mother says the boys are going to keep popping up to terrorize my serenity until I learn NOT TO ATTACH MY HAPPINESS TO THE ACTIONS OF MEN (or anyone else for that matter).

But isn't that the spiritual quest of anyone's lifetime? Not to attach? I try, I do try, but despite my best efforts, niggling little thoughts sneak in and grow into the hundred armed hydra, sucking the joy out of my psyche. Right now, that's not such a bad thing to be going through tho. Everytime my thoughts turn to J and what he's thinking about, and why hasn't he responded to my witty bon mot, and whatever else; I am aware. I am keenly aware when I start debating with myself over whether or not I'll go to my favorite meeting because he may want to take me to dinner AT JUST THAT TIME. Everytime I leave this blog post to check my hotmail for a word from him (totally just did that) I think, can this be right? Am I really that girl?

And the answer is a resounding, yes. And no. It's a definite maybe, anyway. I've been that girl for a very long time. And those habitual thought patterns are influencing my situations today. But that doesn't make it true. It's all in my head, literally! And that's why I will not be shying away from the emotions that dating is drudging up. That is why I'm ok to tell on myself. Let what lives in the dark come into the light! Fuck it! True self love is accepting yourself exactly as you are, with no revisions. This is my headspace now and it's all good....

Getting out of here to grab some chow and hit a meeting....

xoxo

Let's stay in touch blog-

Ingenue

Maybe my character defects aren't so bad after all......

So I have this thing. It's called major fear of intimacy and it rules my interpersonal relationships with an iron fist. Upon first meeting me, you'd never know that this was the case. I'm open and gregarious and if anything presumptively intimate. I'll tell you about the horrifying female ejaculation exploit when I was nineteen that has forever haunted my sexuality. (He was convinced I had peed all over his futon and I was ill equipped to argue with him seeing as I had never left that kind of tsunami in my orgasmic wake before. Awful, right? I didn't cum again until I was 21. I was completely traumatized.) I'll listen to your battle tales with an open and understanding mind. I come across as completely candid, fun, and non-judgemental.

And in that moment perhaps I am. But only for that moment, because in the moments that follow my overactive ego gets to work scrutinizing every single word, thought, and action you've put forth. And let me be the first to tell you, my new friend, you do not look good. This is where the crisis begins. You now think that I have no issue with our sudden closeness and your guard goes waaaay down. You start sharing vulnerable things with me. Your vulnerabliliy makes me feel vulnerable and I DO NOT LIKE TO FEEL VULNERABLE. I start inserting some distance and you start hanging around more trying to understand why the hell I'm acting like that. The more you cling, the more I withhold, and soon there's a big BOOM. You are now dead to me. I openly ignore you in public situations. You openly discuss the fact that I'm a misanthropic bitch.

It happens again and again and again in my male and female relationships. I find it deeply upsetting especially since it is just so evident now in my sobriety. I can't think of anything more pressurizing for a personality disorder of this magnitude than regular AA attendance. Jesus H. In six months of sobriety I've been through 4 BFF's and 3 Brothers From Another Mother. Clearly, I still see most of them on a daily basis. It's not as awkward as it may sound though. Ignoring their existence is modus operandi for me. I've been doing this since adolescense. I am, in fact, a pro.

Do I want to change this behavior? Absolutely. I've felt horrible and bitchy and un-spiritual for months now. But last night I decided to let myself off the hook a little bit. There appears to be a direct correllation between the co-dependent fellowship friendships I've been running through and relapse rates. Every one of the aforementioned folks has relapsed in the time we've known each other. And as tempting as it may be to pin the blame for that on my inherent bitchiness, I couldn't have kept them sober. The problem here is that I'm attracted to the dysfunction. I revel in it and encourage it, until I get scared for my own sobriety and then I get the FUCK out.

I haven't had a drink in six months. It has not been easy, pretty, or graceful, but I've done it. Every good thing that's come into my life has been a direct result of not picking up that first drink. Deeply held behaviors (fears of intimacy and the like) will have to be released but that's going to happen on HP's time, not mine. Until then, all I can do is live by example in my current state. Trying to be best friend to every sick and suffering chic that walks through the doors of Perry Street is not the answer. And I really have to look inward to find what I'm trying to validate surrounding myself with these folks. Quality not quantity right?

Hmmmm. Asking the Cosmic questions and humbly awaiting the Universal replies.

Spring Awakening.....

Color me humbled. My ass-getting (and subsequent morning after pill-popping) adventures have gone all awry. Self-will run riot? You think?

I took the reins back and it nearly landed me in a very messy situation. Those innocent little morning after pills really freaking put me through it. Freakish hormonal outbursts, two days of vomiting, and so much more. And was my partner in crime there to support me through this mayhem? Not so much.

Although this was a boy that I had counted days with and known as my friend since I first got sober, although he had no problem coming to find me whenever he was in need of a free dinner, when I wanted someone to watch movies with me through my isolation it was a rather douchey no.

"Well, if I came over there and took care of you, that would be, like, intimate, and I don't know, not physical."

"And? It's not like I created this vomiting situation all by myself, brother. You can't watch a movie with me anymore?"

"Not unless there's a hummer involved, no."

Ahhh. There you have it. The anatomy of a 13th step fuck-off. To be fair, we had discussed the whole no-strings aspect, but we hadn't taken into consideration the inherent fallibility of prophylactics. Life on life's terms will undo the best laid plans, yeah? Is there some sort of human compassion quotient involved here?

It's a moot point anyways. The sheer rage and powerlessness I felt in the moments getting off the phone with him propelled me through my nausea and straight into a meeting. I sat through one (only wretched twice) and then another (no wretching) and then the third. By the third meeting, he had shown up and was witness to my single rolfing session.

Somewhere in between the puking, the two days w/o food, the three meetings, and the sheer unmanageability of the consequences of my actions, I started to feel better. Not just better from the weirdness of this last week, better in my program. Better in my life. I feel peaceful now. Something really shitty happened, and I don't want to drink. Someone that used to be my friend totally disappointed me and I don't feel any resentment. And as a wise man once said to me:

"You better pray for God's will, girl."

"Why?"

"Because that's what you're going to end up with anyway."

LIFE!
Ingenue

P.S. T- I'm praying for you. I pray that you have the amazing sex life that I want for myself. I pray that you only have requited attraction in your affairs. I pray that you be free from rejection and emotional trauma. I pray that you feel loved, respected, and envied at all times. Don't say I never did anything for you, man.

I got some!

Ass that is. And it was much fun. We had the preliminary "no strings" convo before we got to business (I've had enough of dating expectations and disappointments for a minute. I want to close out my first year sober in peace...) Then we got to it! SO. MUCH. FUN. Right up until the moment we discovered the condom had exploded. Sigh. What are you trying to tell me here, HP?

So seeing as birth control Plan A had thoroughly failed us, the next morning Lover and I moved on to Plan B. This was my first experience with the morning after pill. I can't say I'm thrilled with the exploding condom scenario BUT it is refreshing to be sober and ready to take a responsible, decisive action here. And that is where I become extremely grateful that Plan B is available to me.

So yesterday I got the pills and took them. This was after some worry that I may not be able to procur them, seeing as I possess no legal identification. It was a non issue then but it prompted me into overdue action. See, I haven't had an ID since LAST MAY. I left it in the back of a cab after a drunken spree and I have lived under the radar ever since. I'm like Jason Bourne. I have no identity. Booyah!

I have my ss card, my bank card, and a picture work ID. I've flown across the country with these! Its been real but its time for me to get legal again. And that, my friends, is why I am blogging to you from the DMV. Otherwise known as Satans Asshole. I've been here for 3 hours and I believe I may be here for 2 more. I've mentally recited the Serenity Prayer 85 times and I am running STRAIGHT to a meeting when the finally set me free. There is a homeless chic standing in front of me who reeks of fried pickles. I've been breathing in fried pickle smell for three fucking hours. Oh lord. Deliver me.

Life on lifes terms can be a dull, dull affair.

Sober nonetheless,
Ingenue

Little in the middle? Meh, not so much.

I've gone chunky my friends. It was to be expected, and yet. Sugar Keeps You Sober and If You Want a Drink, Drink a Milkshake. If You Still Want to Drink, Have Another and fuck off already! I did some mental calculations when I first quit drinking. I added up all of the calories in a fifth of Jamesons and subtracted it from daily total of calories consumed. I then subtracted the calories burned from the nervous pacing and fidgeting so prevalent in early sobriety. By my calculations I should have lost 35 pounds already. What the eff gives? HUH?!?!?

I'll tell you what gives. Just when you think it's lifted it's shifted (Yes this will be a highly sloganized posting. It pleases me.). Meaning, while my alcoholism is now lying dormant, that addict obsession has shifted over to my relationship with food. This leaves me with nights like last night. I lost a major battle with a Family Size Box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Sigh.

Most of the time, I feel like absolute poo, as well. I am very, very sensitive to sugar and my sugar addiction is raging right now which leaves me in an icky state. Inside and outside. My digestion is fucking whack, my moods are uncontrollable, and my love handles are bulbous. Again, sigh.

I need to get this out, because I have deep emotional trauma connected to weight fluxuations. Here and now, I should probably qualify that although I feel fat, and I beat myself up for being fat, I am most definitely not fat. I'm 5'10" and a size 8. But just a scant year ago I was a size 6 and I adored that. I adored that because my beloved (and deeply overweight) mother has had me convinced since Infancy that BAD THINGS DO NOT BEFALL SKINNY PEOPLE. The reason my father abandoned us? My mother's unsightly saddle bags of course! The reason we lived in abject poverty? Fat people do not, as a general rule, get good jobs. This was (is) my mother's dogma. So when I blossomed out of my chubby childhood into a tall and lanky adolescence my mother was certain that this was a divine sign that I (unlike her) was destined for happiness.

She was also certain that pulling me out of high school and getting me started modeling at the age of 13 was going to save us both. I won't even go into how much that colored my current relationship with my weight. Shit, I won't go into how that colored my current relationship with drugs and alcohol! It sent me off to the races. We can leave it at that. Oh, Mama. She really believed that I (skinny-minny me) would have peace and abundance that she never had. Which means to this day, I feel like I'm failing her when I find myself edging up into the next dress size.

So is the answer me going on another diet? Nah. I naturally really do dig healthy, vegan food. I eat the other shit to be self destructive. It doesn't even taste like food to me! I like to workout (although I don't because I have a big issue with showing up for things that are good for me.). I need to start healing some of this stuff, and I don't know how. It hurts to feel this way, it really does. It hurts to look in the mirror and feel disgusted by a spare tire that's not even that big. It hurts to not approach boys I like because the thought of getting naked in front of them makes me nauseous. It hurts to feel like I need to be locked away because I've got 7 lbs of back fat. To be fair, some of the 7 pounds seems to have been distributed to my boobage. Which is, admittedly, a plus.

Lighter inside, if not outside.
Ingenue

That's more like it!

I am so unbelievably happy right now. I'm sitting in what will eventually be my teams new site office. Right now it's just me, my music, and the most amazing view you could ever hope for. I've moved a desk over to the floor to ceiling windows and I'm looking at the giant 4 Times Square sign. 47 stories up baby! Which means I'm ill placed should another terrorist attack go down, but hey. I live in the moment.

Happy, sober, and starting to get the hang of this life business.
Ingenue

'Ello.

I haven't much to say but I thought I'd keep the space alive. Alive with the sound of hormones....:) Spring is hitting me hard in the lady bits and the Universe has been offering me plenty of potential partners to fantasize about. Much like a man I am absolutely incapable of sustaining regular brain activity with all the increased blood flow to my nether regions. So if I blather, please forgive.

He was freaking gorgeous! 6'2", Ryan Phillipe look alike in a leather jacket and a hot ass fedora which was precariously perched on his knee while the speaker rambled. I normally don't stick around for that particular meeting, but, Dear Sweet Holy Herbie am I glad I did. I was up and milling about in the back when he sat down in the chair next to mine. He was one of those lounge-y types who sort of sprawled out in his space. Usually that sort of thing annoys the shit out of me. But if it meant his knee edging closer to mine? Sprawl away, my boy! At one point something strange was going on with the speaker and he slowly looked over his shoulder and smirked at me. It was that knowing smirk, the kind only fellow alchies can exchange. It was a smirk that said,"Oh, it's going to be one of those qualifications, is it?" It was a smirk that also might have been saying, "One of these days you and I are going to fuck until your ears pop. You don't mind, do you?" Anyways, he smirked, and I swear to you, I shivered.

And there it was. My missing mojo back in action. Did I get his phone number? Did I blow him in the bathroom? Nah. That was not the point of his presence. I think the divine reasoning of that little encounter might have been running more along the lines of, stop making yourself crazy with these overly serious dating shenanigans! Follow your loins and unburden your heart! It is not that flipping deep, girl! (Yes that is my Higher Power's vernacular. This is the God of my choosing. Piss Off, please. :)

Whatever it was, it was truly delicious. Mmmmm, yes please!

Ingenue

Fellowship...

Gemini Horoscope for week of March 20, 2008
It's an excellent time to seek out new allies, expand your social network, and make connections with influences that will motivate you to grow smarter and stronger. Here are the kinds of connections you might want to be on the lookout for: 1. hard workers who find everything funny; 2. down-to-earth idealists who place no emotional value on having expensive possessions; 3. nerds who are cocky in mysterious ways; 4. humble perfectionists who obsess over the integrity of every little thing they do and then mock themselves for being so conscientious; 5. couples who hold hands and jump into big puddles with their nice clothes on; 6. sympathetic listeners who will kindly kick your ass if you need it.

........

I hate boys! Freaking cock-sure cunt ass motherfucker bastards! Off with your heads! Both of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew.

I feel better now.

Fuck me, I'm dating.

I think I am, in any case. What I mean to say is, I met a really great guy and we had an amazing dinner. And then we had great coffee/convo, we even went to a bar. He had a Guinness. I had a Diet Coke. We kissed outside the train station and he asked to see me the next day. I went over to his place and we watched two movies, ate another amazing meal, and enthusiastically made out. And now, nothing.

I am aware of Mainstream Society's "dating rules" but honestly, I've never really been fucked to follow them. I mean, I am an alcoholic. There aren't many perks with this disease but wanton, drunken promiscuity definitely eliminated the need for small talk. And the Blackout/Shame Spirals the next day didn't leave much to the imagination as to why there was never a morning after call. I have an educated guess.

Every once in a while even the most sloppy of girl drunks will cross paths with a boy every bit as destructive as she is and then you have Co-Dependent Alchoholic Co-Habitation. Works a treat! People can hang onto this sort of arrangement for years. It's usually very on/off but who's counting when you have someone willing to stick around and be the whipping boy to your suppressed rage? Have you ever had a drunken fistfight with your s/o followed by sloppy make-up sex and a nice deep black out? There's nothing to match the bonding moment of waking up with your partner in crime, both of your memories mysteriously wiped clean, wondering out loud together why the sofa in now wrong side up in the bathtub. Good shit, my friends. Good shit.

But this is no longer my modus operandi. I'm sober and one of those bad-boys I used to obsess over would likely scare the bejesus out of me today. So I'm dating. And it blows! I'm not proud to say I'm obsessing over a return text message, but there it is. It's terribly distracting. Also, the swoon of sober infatuation feels frighteningly close to some sort of high. And the problem with getting high? The law of gravity says you must come down. Down, down, down.

Egads.
Ingenue

May I take your inventory please?

Sigh. SIGH. SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. It is that lovely time of the month again and I find myself thoroughly annoyed with just about every one around me. Sponsors that don't show up when they say they will and pull passive aggressive text manipulations on ya, newbies and their excuses to not go to meetings who then act like extremely un-sober peeps because they haven't been programmed. Chest-thumping male co-workers that take credit for my work and call me a "sweet little thing" when they stab my lovely back and con-artist divorce attorneys. All of you can feel free to suck it. I am completely over it right now. I am in a bare knuckled brawl with my HP right now to NOT dissolve into a pity party. Must work my program, must work my program.

And I am. I'm actually barrelling away on my fourth step which is good, attending plenty of meetings which is also good, and getting a fair share of fellowship in which is not so good. Right now I feel like I need fewer personalities and far more principles. I just do not understand how to conduct interpersonal relationships in sobriety. And right now the only thing that causes me serious drink signals is other sober people. Something is seriously wrong.

GSBF keeps telling me to not respond or act out anything when I feel transgressed upon. Restraint of Pen and Tongue and this too shall pass and all of that noise. Well....,ok. I guess if it works for you it should work for everybody. That was snarky, I know but that's just where I am right now. Not writing an email to a person to let them know I'm pissed off does not change me being pissed off. Not being able to tell people to get out of my ass and work their own programs does not give me more personal space. And I am a Champion Grudge holder, seriously, you should see the state of my Inventory. Holy Christ, it's getting pretty hairy.

Anyways, here I am doing this really deep nasty inner work where I am trying to acknowledge the hidden motives within me and the oogliness bouncing around my psyche. All of this stuff is at the forefront of my mind and I just have no patience for other people projecting on me. And I'm not allowed to say anything about it. I'm not well, my friends, not well at all. I'm just going to keep working and pray I come out the other end. Until then, I do plan on keeping bystanders at arm's length. I do NOT need an audience for the work I'm doing right now. Sorry.

TIME = Things I Must Earn,
Ingenue

And again,

Gemini Weekly

Before you attempt a quantum leap of faith over the yawning abyss, please remove your 500 pounds of defense mechanisms first. Your success in soaring the whole distance will require you to be free of emotional baggage. As long as you fulfill this simple prerequisite, I'm in favor of you risking the transition. It's about time you summoned more zeal to follow the path with heart, even if that path resumes on the other side of the great divide.

Amen.

Gemini For March 13:

Today begins a period of self-reinvention. Some of you are rethinking your career path and goals, while others are considering a number of personal commitments. If you've been a very public person until now, you may pull back from the spotlight while you figure out what your next act should be. Others seem extremely interested in your activities, appearance, friends and thought process. Each time you encounter another's industrial-strength curiosity, you treasure your privacy even more than you did before. Although you may find yourself being pushed onto center stage, you'd rather be almost anywhere else for the time being. The irony, of course, is that everyone wants to know more about you and finds your circumstances extremely fascinating.

And I'm spent!

It's all of, what, 1:30 here? Why am I so exhausted? I'll tell you why. I woke up on time today. That, my friends, will do it. Lately I've been sleeping in an extra hour or so, at the expense of punctuality and personal grooming time but, hey. Who's counting?

I am just really, really supremely tired and I don't feel like doing anything today. But I must go to yoga after work or I fear my back and neck will explode with the tension they're holding. What I really do not need to do is go to a meeting tonight. It happens sometimes. It does happen.

Short and sweet. Can't muster up the brain cells to produce more for you. Mayhaps tomorrow.

Ingenue

Did you miss me?

My poor beloved blog! Holy Jesus, I haven't updated you in like, too long. Goes to show you how busy I am at the new job (loves it) and how much extraneous free time I had at the old (bane of my existence). Yes I am running around like a Very Important Princess but that is absolutely no excuse for leaving you hanging. Dear sweet Bloggedy Blog. I hope you're not too mad.....

Anywho, I barely know where to begin to catch you up! So much has happened in the last two weeks. Most of it is the same old shit, but there are some new developments I should probably highlight. I have a new girlfriend in the program! She's lovely. She's counting days (like really counting days, I think she just got her first week) but she's definitely coming into the rooms with some spirtual cajones. She loves all the same astrology I do and she's a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta Jones but cuter. How perfect is she? Oh I know it sounds like I'm putting her on bit of a pedestal, but I simply can't help myself. I have been so starved for another semi-normal female! I mean she's sick like we all are, but she's so delighful in her disease that I can't help adoring her. Some drunks just got it like that.

She's working really hard too. She's stepping outside of her comfort zones every day for the sake of her sobriety and that is totally inspiring to me. And boy did I need to inspired. I think I was going through some sort of four month/fourth step slump (is there such a thing?). So her presence in this life is deeply welcomed. I hope she wins all the marbles, Blog. She deserves them.

Other than that I still feel like an absolute mess with my internals. I have rage issues and unpaid debts and rage issues because of the unpaid debts and a messy dating life because I keep trying to use boys as an escape from my inside chaos. Whew! And if that's not bad enough, everytime I try to change this stuff I plan out this major psychic overhaul, bite off way more than I can chew, fall on my ass, and end up with five days of deep depression as a reward for my efforts. You know all about this stuff blog. I know, preaching to the choir, right? So unfortunately all I can really do right now is accept my disfunction and try and do any little thing in a day differently. And pray that it all adds up. Every one keeps telling me that not drinking day in day out is winning the battle, but I still feel so wrong. So less than. Like I need to change everything about myself stat. But that's not really the point is it? It's a program of self-acceptance. It's time to start accepting. That is my HP's dearest command for me and it's time to heed the call.

Anyways, I love you Blog! I've missed you more than you know, and I promise I'll write more regularly. Don't be too mad at me, kay?

xoxoxo
Me

Yoga School Says....

Everyone Deserves Music
"Everyone deserves music, sweet music. Even our worst enemies, Lord, they deserve music. Even the quiet ones in our family, they deserve music!" - Michael Franti

"Tasya Vachakah Pranavah" YS 1.27 God is Om, supreme music.

People begin a yoga practice for many reasons, often times to achieve things like a healthier body, or more relaxation. Rarely do people begin the practice to change the world, but, in fact, this can happen. We need only realize that, as Willie Wonka said, "We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of the dream". It is our dream and our music that create our reality. Modern scientific thought tells us that we are the creators of our own reality and that we are most fundamentally comprised of vibration. Understanding that vibration is simply music, and knowing that our reality comes from the way we choose to perceive things, we can undertake a yoga practice to create harmony in the music that emanates from us. We can use this to shift our perception to truly change the world! Imagine seeing the participants of a yoga class as different musical instruments in an orchestra; each one playing a unique, yet integral, part of the overall piece. As you move through sun salutations, you create a harmony comprised of each person's individual "sound". As you breathe, you create a melody, and as your hearts begin to beat in sync (which happens anytime the hearts of multiple living beings are in close proximity), you create a bass line. If we, as yogis, rally around uplifting the lives of others through our yoga practice, that is the song that we send out into the world. Our individual vibrations emanate from us just as ripples in a pond expand when a stone breaks its surface. What we think, say and do creates the circumstances around us. If we choose to think, speak, and act peacefully and compassionately, those are the vibrations we create, and our reality will be based on those very real thought forms. Yoga gives us practices, like chanting, pranayama, and asana, that will not only help to "re-tune" our instrument - the body/mind - but also cultivate the strength to be powerful voices for change in this fast-paced, out-of-sync world. We don't have to be platinum recording artists to have our voices heard. We just have to do these practices that will tune our instruments so that our music sounds clearly when we sing our vibrational "songs". Imagine your body, your mind and your speech as a song. What kind of song do you want it to be? Music has the power to change lives. You've experienced this when you connect a song to a powerful moment in your history, or if you consider John Lennon's "Give Peace a Chance" as the anthem to the anti-war movement of the '70's. But it's not just the music that plays on the radio that can influence others. The most powerful music of influence is the rhythm that comes from your heart. As you do your practice, consider the choices you've made throughout the day that have been factors in the reality you are creating. Realize that you always have the choice to be more compassionate, more kind, and more in-sync with a peaceful, non-violent reality. Know that everyone deserves music. Not just any music, but music that will inspire, uplift and work its way into our hearts so we may also have the compassion to inspire others. -- Alanna Kaivalya, March 2008

Mama knows best.....

There goes that. My hopeful nicotine recovery has died an early death basically crushing my soul and mutilating my addict ego. I promised my sponsor on no uncertain terms that if it came to it, I would pick up a cigarette before I picked up a drink. Last night, closing out my 7th day w/o a smoke, it came to that. I was faced with the unthinkable. I folded. I smoked.

My company had a HUGE conference last night where we all had a chance to hear where the company is going, where we've been, and why we are all bright shining stars in the construction cosmos. It was cool, but I was totally twitchy from my nicfits. I also was having pretty extreme blood sugar swings as I've been acting out with all manners of chemically processed sweetness. I am a severe hypoglycemic and my blood sugar is fucked Six Ways from Sunday on a good day. Sugar is not just a no no, it is the root biological cause of my alcoholism. Eating, say, a Little Debbie does basically the same thing to my blood sugar and related emotional stability as drinking a Jamesons and Diet. Of course the J&D will get me drunk, beligerent, and blacked out so that is very bad news, I fully admit this. But the point is Sugar (also known as Satan's Semen) can lead me down the same Rabbit Hole.

But I digress. The conference came complete with an open wine bar. And as I was air kissing a female account executive I got a strong whiff of her Merlot and it unglued me. Shit. I never even drank Merlot. If I had to drink wine it was always Riesling. I'm a whiskey girl first, but white wine would do in a pinch. Red always seemed too cloying, drying somehow. The same way beer would fill me up far before I was as drunk as I wanted to be, red wine would dry me out before my thirst was quenched. My cottonmouth would force me onto water and that was never what I wanted during a bender.

So here I am with wildly fluxuating blood sugar levels, nictotine cravings that have re-doubled, and a merlot aromatherapy session to boot. My mind couldn't keep up with all the simultaneous yearnings, so my body took over and I went outside, bummed a ciggie, and smoked that bastard like my life depended on it. I finished politicking at the conference and headed out to Perry Street to try and catch the tail end of the 6:00. I picked up a pack of Parliament Lights from the Deli around the corner.

I got home and called GSBF, left him a message. Same with the BabyGirl. Finally I broke down and called....wait for it....Mom. My mother is not an alcoholic but she's becoming a black-belt in Alanon since I dried out. She's known this was a long time coming, however, so she's been psychically preparing her Recovery Arsenal for eons. Also, she speaks my language. Like GSBF she's spiritually centered in compassion and awareness and the healing power they bring. I understand what my Mom says, I may not always like it, but I get it at the deepest levels of my being.

It all poured out of me, as it is wont to do when one is sobbing hysterically to one's Mother. I told her how overwhelmed I felt with the magnitude of my addictions, how desperately I wanted to be healthy and free. How far away that felt. I told her about my filthy apartment and how I felt incapable of maintaining a normal and ordered life. How much I loved Yoga but couldn't seem to get my shit together in the morning (clean yoga clothes, yoga mat, and shaved armpits) to be able to do it during the workweek (when I really FUCKING need it). How quitting smoking made me binge on sugar and caffiene and now I feel comatose and despondent. I took a really deep breath and was just getting ready deliver the second onslaught of my self-pity when my mother interrupted me.

"I have two things to say Darling and then, if you must, feel free to continue. Firstly, I have never in my life known anyone as sensitive to sugar as you are. If you've been binging you're going to have to accept that your mind and body are still reeling from that. You're going to feel depressed, there's nothing you can do about it until your blood sugar straightens out."

"I know that Mama, but...."

"SECONDLY, the only way to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing the dishes is to do the dishes."

"Excuse me?"

"You are absolutely right that you were completely incapable of maintaining an ordered life while you were drinking. But you aren't drinking anymore baby! You have no idea what you're capable of now and you'll never know if you don't try out new habits and patterns. Honor yourself for the six days without cigarettes. That's amazing. Take a deep breath, hang up this phone, and do your dishes. It'll change your life. And you can call me back after that if you need to. I love you."

"I love you too Mama." We hung up and I looked at the clock. 9:15. I'm supposed to be getting to sleep now. But I know that's not going to happen, I'm too upset. But I NEVER clean after work! My days are too long! I clean on the weekends, when I have the time. Except I don't do that anymore either, I usually don't feel like it. And then it hit me, that's her point. Take the feelings out of it and do it.

I turned up my ipod and slowly went about the business of de-funking my kitchen. I sang, I scrubbed, I danced a little. Before I knew it the kitchen was clean and my heart was noticeably lighter. I cleaned into the living area and got all the trash up, put my dirty clothes in the hamper, and changed the sheets on my bed. I swept the floors. I burned incense. I stood on my head for a little bit and then climbed into my bed to survey my work.

My apartment looked and smelled gorgeous. And it was 10:00 on the dot. For all of my excuses about not having time and even as nasty as my apartment was it only took me 45 minutes to do a fairly sizable overhaul. Hmmm! And Mom was right, cleaning is a brilliant place to put nervous energy.

You get the result after the action not before. The only way for me to know what I'm capable of is to keep pushing my boundaries. And it's the little actions in a day that are going to keep me happy and sober. No grandiose sweeping declarations of miraculous turnaround needed. Don't drink. Go to meetings. Do your dishes. Love your yoga.

Keep. It. Simple. Sweetie.
Ingenue

If you can feel, you can heal it!! (said with forced optimism)

I am such a basket case right now! And yet, it's not entirely unwelcome, I wouldn't say it's bad, it's just....odd. It is now a nightly ritual that I go home and weep for 90 minutes before going to sleep. I'm back to having to sleep with the tv on (and fitfully at best) and feeling more than a little disoriented getting ready in the morning. I am unfocused at work, my eating habits are falling apart, my digestion is utter crap, and I am vulnerable and confused. In short, I am back in early sobriety. This is exactly what I went through in the first thirty days of not drinking (actually that was much worse). I thought I was over that but not smoking has brought out the beasties.

But I've made progress! I'm much more comfortable experiencing emotions as they come up. I don't buy into the background story as much, I just feel whatever's there. And my tenacity to endure dis-comfort is amazing! Holy shit! I barely recognize myself. 5 months ago I would have totally folded by now. There is no question that I am changing before my very eyes so it's probably a good thing that I'm getting ready to go into my 4th step. Before I can really get comfortable with who I'm becoming I need to be very clear on who I've been. This is not to say that I am excited about the idea of taking my moral and sexual inventories. But I need to know. I need the clarity....

I don't have much to say, really. All is well and normalizing. I have a new crush who totally has a crush on me back. But as is always the case, the timing is not ideal. I think I'll let him take me to dinner though, can't hurt. Work is good. Yoga is necessary. House cleaning severely lacking. My home definitely looks like the inside of my psyche right now and IT AIN'T PRETTY. LOL. But I am loved and I love right back. I am grateful and strong and supported. I'm uncertain and uncomfortable in my nic-fits, but I know that I'm just where I should be. Everything is perfectly imperfect, how wonderful is that?

It's all good, my lovelies. All good.
Ingenue :)

For you...

ST THERESA'S PRAYER
May today there be peace within. May you trust God/dess that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God/dess.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Real Women Wear Hard Hats.

Otherwise known as:

Day 6 with No Ciggies

Holy Jeebus, I do believe I've quit smoking! There have been some ugly moments in there for sure but following the advice of one of the Oldtimers, I made up my mind to go through whatever I had to go through. I also like the Nic-Anon mantra of "The cravings will pass whether you smoke a cigarette or not." That's helped. Overall, it's been pretty by the book. The first 72 hours were when the cravings were the worst. After that they got manageable but repressed emotions started popping up for review. On Sunday night I got hit with a wave of grief so palpable I felt like someone had just informed me of my mother's untimely death. It was that real. I just couldn't stop crying, so I hit my knees and prayed for guidance. I've heard that this sort of thing happens, grieving for Drugs and Alcohol like they're real people, but this was a first for me. After the spell passed I climbed into bed and scraped together whatever hours of sleep I could manage before work.

Which leads me directly into: My Promotion. On Day 2 of No Ciggies, The Powers That Be called me in to discuss my permanence within the company and matters of monetary importance. In laymen's terms, I got a raise and a new fancy title. It was actually really nice (although it stressed me out and gave me 45 nic-fits in quick succession) and I felt very appreciated and supported. There was one quick moment of internal hilarity when The Big Guy said, "We have a new policy for new hires. You don't mind submitting to a drug test and a background check, do you?" My soul smiled at that one. For the first time in a long time a drug test is no problem. Background check? Meh. There could be anything on there, really. I've turned that one over to my HP. They don't want to lose me and if I have to explain embarrassing incidents, I will. Honestly, I have no idea what could be there. No arrests, but my credit report is nearly criminal. And given the fact that I'm getting ready to start my 4th step I'm feeling extremely grateful that their not hiring me off of the contents of that!

I very much need to buy some new work clothes yet I find myself competely unwilling to go shopping. And the times I have dragged myself out to go shopping I have been so reluctant to lay down my credit card and commit to my purchases. Where is my gender given "shop till you drop" gene? Can they revoke my ovaries for this? I have money and I have genuine need of new clothes. What is my damage here? I even know exactly what I want to get. I'm working out a new personal style I like to call "Construction Chic". This, for me anyways, is the ultimate fusion of functionality and fashion. (I've put alot of thought into this, can you tell?) I'm going to be on a REAL DEAL construction site so I need to be dressed appropriately. Work boots, khakis or cargos or corduroys, hard hats, all of it. I've found that Uggs can easily be substituted for Timberlands with no drop in comfort or stability, and Gap Wide Leg khakis make for sturdy yet feminine work pants. After that all I need are a few new sweaters and hoodies because the site is unheated and BALL FREEZING this time of year. See how crazy this is? I even have my purchases picked out and I won't buy them. Hmmm.

That's really it. I'm still working on synthesizing all areas of my life. Sobriety, Work, Yoga, Play, and Love are all demanding equal amounts of my time. My life is close to being synchronous, but I have to remind myself continuously that it is a Day at a Time. I have the most power for change available to me in this day, this moment. I can't believe I'm about to type this BUT as long as I do my damndest to make each day better than the last, I'm on the right track. And with that incredibly cheesy sentiment expressed, I'm out.

Hoping all is well and off to read Johno's 4th step blog entries!

xoxo Me

Holy Hell! I got out just in time....

July, August, September 2002
HEALTH

Smoking Yogis, Beware!
Pranayama increases the dangers of cigarettes
By Dr. Swami Gitananda, India

When I was just a school boy, cigarettes were referred to as "coffin nails." Every puff was another nail in the coffin. We were aware even then of the dangerous effects of tobacco upon health, but at that time, in the early 1940s, there was not much factual evidence. Today, there is.

Yet surprisingly, cigarette smoking has actually increased. Billions of dollars are being spent trying to find a cure for cancer without any regard for its cause. We want our bad habits and good health, too. It can never happen, for we are defying nature's laws. If we remove the causes of disease, we can have natural good health. Some of these causes are difficult to remove because they are created by impure air, pollution from industry and motor vehicles. But we can always stop smoking.

Many sincere yoga students believe that they can continue to smoke cigarettes and offset the harmful effects by doing extra pranayama (breath control). This is a dangerous assumption. Pranayama opens up new cells to atmospheric air. These young, tender cells may be more vulnerable than the older, more resilient, cells. Pranayama may actually be more dangerous for cigarette smokers. This is particularly true if one feels drowsy after doing pranayama. Or, after smoking a cigarette that "used to give them a kick," they now experience a let-down. The condition is popularly referred to as "shirt pocket poisoning." More technically, it is "carbon monoxide suffocation."

The carbon monoxide in the cigarette smoke displaces the oxygen in the lungs, creating a poison, causing chemical suffocation. Among the detrimental effects of this suffocation are a hazing of the mind, drowsiness, a reduction of visual sharpness, a slowing down of reflex reactions, an increase of blood pressure and, among longer range effects, hardening of the arteries. Nausea and dizziness often accompany these reactions, indicating a reduction of the output of blood from the heart.

In the normal metabolism of bodily processes, carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide are created when hemoglobin gets broken down in the blood. Normally, in a healthy nonsmoker, less than one percent of this hemoglobin gets broken down each day. But in the light smoker it's about three percent, and in a heavy smoker eight percent or more.

Above the one percent range, a slowing of thought as well as feelings of being tired and lethargic are observed. When a three percent level is reached, visual sharpness is impaired and acute sensitivity to light is experienced. It may here be noted the relationship between blood impurity and the increased need for eye glasses. At five percent the skin appears to be shallow and often takes on an ashen or dusky hue. Babies born to women in this grouping already have a bloodstream set for all the diseases associated with addiction to nicotine. The child is actually born with the craving, and his or her skin often reflects the toxic state of the mother.
At seven percent, heart disease is a corollary. Susceptivity to any condition considered epidemic is suggested by a reading of twelve percent or more. Here the blood vessels are heavily coated with cholesterol, inviting disease into the body. Cigarette smoking reduces the blood flow, but raises the blood pressure.

There is a dangerous trend among modern yoga teachers to separate one's lifestyle from yoga. Immoral persons who indulge in bad habits and pose as experts in pranayama and meditation call themselves yogis simply because they have a flexible body. This is an obstruction to spiritual life.

Dr. Swami Gitananda was a yoga teacher in Pondicherry, India, the author of 25 books and publisher of Yoga Life, a journal still continued today. He passed away in December, 1993, at 88.

How do you spell s-y-n-c-h-r-o-n-i-c-i-t-y?

TUT... A Note from the Universe‏
From: The Universe (light@tut.ccsend.com) on behalf of The Universe (theuniverse@tut.com)
Sent: Fri 2/22/08 3:19 AM
To: xxxx@hotmail.com

It's not that some people in your life are just mean- spirited, shortsighted, and ignorant, Ingenue, it's that they're grand, brilliant, and magnificent. Fellow adventurers who, at the peak of their glory, in worlds before this one, asked to dance with you in time and space, however briefly, so that they might learn a bit faster than otherwise.

And you know how you love healing. (OMG! Healing others to heal myself. AGAIN! I think the universe is trying to tell me something here.)

In the presence of greatness,
The Universe

This keeps happening! Every time, EVERY TIME, I pray for guidance I read or hear something unbearably appropos to my current dilemmas. Even w/o conscious prayer it happens 95% of the time I go to meetings. Invariably the speaker will deeply address whatever's been tormenting me for the day. No pre-meditation needed. Welcome to the wonders of living with a higher power.

I feel like I shouldn't be as awestruck as I am by all of these deeply spiritual comings and goings. After all, I've done some sort of yoga on and off for almost ten years! Also, in my early twenties I use to wear bindis over my third eye with no sense of irony whatsoever. Clearly I am openminded in regards to the spirit. Then again...

I'm doing my Second Step reading right now and there were three chapters (three chapters for one step! That ain't right) to get through, the final one being for the agnostics. Ah yes, the agnostics. That hopeless bunch who utterly rebel at the thought of needing a "spiritual solution" complete with the requisite "higher power" to recover from their alcoholism. Thank heavens I'm not one of those sorry bastards. Things are bad enough as they are. And yet. I'm a liar if I say I didn't identify. In fact the whole chapter is streaked with neon highlighter memorializing the points that hit home.

Even if I didn't self identify as an agnostic I was certainly living the life of one. And sometimes the hardest ego to crack is one that feeds off of a sense of pseudo-spirituality. The glamorous (and expensive) brand of spirituality; living as a raw foodist in Hawaii, doing barefoot yoga in Indian temples, paying someone hundreds of dollars to sort out the messy business of my locked up chakras-these things were how I wanted to express my spirit. You should have seen the look on my face when it became clear that my soul could only be recovered in dingy rooms sitting on folding chairs listening to homeless black men tell my story. And worse than that? My main job is to take people I despise in this life and do everything in my power to give them that which I have wanted for myself! How bad does that suck? Honestly.

But it remains the quickest and easiest way to enlightment. Even if I try to rebel my life sends me lessons from the divine to knock my punk ass back on track. Everytime I humble myself in these unthinkable ways, everytime I serve someone else's divine nature before my own, my own small petty problems evaporate. I mean they just disappear. It's really a bit freaky, but I'm learning to trust it.

Take for example my crusade to quit smoking. Being able to quit for my own health should be motivation enough, shouldn't it? You would think, but sadly, this is not so. Yesterday I spent the day looking up all of the harm my smoking does to the people, animals, and world around me. It ain't pretty. I cried looking at the animal torture that is conducted to prove WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW. Smoking kills people, so let's kill off millions of god's sweet animals JUST TO MAKE SURE that it's really that bad.

I prayed then and I pray now, God please give me the strength to be freed of this addiction. Please free me from addictions that rule my behavior and cause me to hurt my fellow men. If I can't personally help end all suffering at least guide my actions to keep me from doing harm. Do for me what I cannot do for myself.

This is day 2 of not smoking and 118 days of not drinking. Can't say I miss either one, really. Thank the cosmos for that, it's certainly none of my doing.....

Yours in Abject and Humble Devotion,
The Gratefully Dis-Illusioned Ingenue

And last but certainly not least....

I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 1. Hold ye tongues, naysayers. I'm in it to win it.

xoxox

Sweet Smelling Me

Crispy crackly outside, ooey gooey center...

Yet again the eclipse let me have it. This one had a more peaceful pull, put everything got turned upside down, literally. That's right kids, I got into headstand in my yoga class. I didn't think I was ready to balance myself supported by nothing more than my forehead and forearms. But then again, when are you ever?

My day had not been the best. I had to go down to the new jobsite for an overwhelming meeting, I ate too many dark chocolate covered pretzels, but MOSTLY I was exhausted from scouring horoscopes all day long trying to decipher whether or not a Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo in my fourth house meant that I was going to come home to an unexpected Eviction Notice. My fav monthly astrologer had insinuated as much (I think her words were be prepared to move) and considering the emotional and mental acrobatics I've gone through to keep a roof over my head, the thought of losing my flat after all that gave me some serious Fuck Its.

And so I have been dreading the 20th of February since I read February's Horoscope at the end of January. And after the Eclipse on the 6th? Fucking forget it. My whole life got ish-kibibbled at that lovely little junction of the sun, moon, and earth. And that was supposed to be the good one! The only thing that was left standing was my apartment, and then she tells me that the lunar eclipse is going to bring a MAJOR ending in my physical living space. Nobody gets how badly this stressed me out. No one has understood. You probably don't understand reading this now, and honestly, it isn't the point. The point is that I've been torturing myself needlessly for an imagined future disaster, that never happened. As the day came to an end, I found myself with a certain brand of restless anxiety that I've come to know all too well in sobriety. The moment my alcoholic mind started telling me not to go to Yoga Class I knew that was exactly where I need to be. So off I went.

It wasn't my prettiest yoga class. I was sweating sooo much I worried that perhaps my endocrine system had failed during the night and no one told me. Not to mention the fact that I had just come from work so the freshly showered smell that graced me in the morning had been replaced by a potpourri of stale cigarette smoke, concrete, and coffee breath. I washed my feet so most of the work boot scent was, thankfully, lifted. As my body heat rose, so did my aroma. I didn't dig it. I could smell myself and it was a rude awakening to the reality of me. Couple this with the actual yoga we were doing and I was feeling pretty wretched. I wobbled and fell repeatedly during the ball breaking standing series and had trouble telling my left from my right in the more quickly moving vinyasa moments. So by the time headstand rolled around, I was already admitting absolute defeat. This was not my class, this was not my time to stand on my head.

Which is no bother really. If you can't do a headstand you do a half-headstand which is kind of like a down dog with your forearms on the ground. So I was all kinds of ready to have a little rest in half-headstand when the ever vigilant teacher came around and decided today would be the day I went into headstand and she would not be leaving until I did. No excuses necessary, resistance is futile.

"Pull one knee up to your chest," she said. "This is not a good idea," the voices in my head replied.

"You have to trust in this. I'm not going anywhere," says she. "Anything could happen to me here! I could fall on my ass and take you with me! What happens if I queef really loudly and the whole class laughs at me? Do you have any idea what inversions can do to a girl's vadge?" shouted my voices. And yes, sadly, this is what my ego thinks of. I am what I am.

She stayed calm. She pulled me into it. I trusted. I let go. I let myself wobble. I TRIED. And eventually I did it. And it was amazing. She kept her hands on my legs holding me up until I slowly started to stabilize and then, like a parent taking off the training wheels, she moved her hands away. And of course I immediately started teetering violently. So she put her hands back. But for roughly 4.5 seconds, on a day when nothing made me feel confident or victorious, I did something I was convinced that I couldn't do. And it was humbling and amazing.

They say that Lunar Eclipses shine bright moon lights onto areas of your unconscious so you can change them for the better. I saw myself clearly in that yoga practice. I saw what needed to change. First and foremost any girl who willfully smokes 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day and then complains that she doesn't smell nice is living in an unconscious stupor. Last time I checked one plus one still equals two, yeah? So last night I smoked my last cigarette. It's going to be demanding at times but it's doable. Just like my headstand. Whatever I have to go through to quit smoking is what I have to go through. Avoiding the nasty bits doesn't make life go away. And the longer I put it off is the longer I have to live just underneath my potential of health. So what to do?

I came face to face with my ego through this whole thing and I could see how it keeps sabotaging my soul's best efforts. Whenever something looks too hard, too difficult, too unfamiliar, I walk away from it. Or I try to compartmentalize it and define it so I can feel safer and more prepared walking into it. Life doesn't come with Cliff Notes! I committed to set my self aside in favor of spirit and that takes daily dedication and discipline. The nasty moments will make me grow so much faster than the happy moments. And eventually I'll get past the pendulum of pleasure and pain. Eventually I'll come to peace. One inelegant headstand at a time.

Your mat is a microcosm for your life. Work your shit out there first.

With all the love in the world,
Ingenue

Tell it like it is Yoga Journal...

Asana Column: Salamba Sirsasana (Headstand)
Strengthen your musculoskeletal system, improve respiration, and stimulate digestion—all by standing on your head.
By John Schumacher

Almost all of the articles you see about yoga these days—and there are a passel of 'em—describe how wonderful it is. They list the benefits, ranging from increased flexibility to ultimate immersion in the Great Cosmic Ooze. They describe yoga as a stress-free, painless way to well-being. But by touting only the obvious goodies, these articles not only paint an incomplete picture of yoga, they also rob it of its juice. The pleasures and benefits of yoga are indeed numerous and profound, but the difficulties you encounter in your practice are at least as important.

Ancient yoga texts stress the importance of tapas—the fiery quality of discipline and determination. One way to produce fire is friction, and the resistances that arise as you practice often provide the spark that ignites the fires of transformation. That fire is fed and fanned by your practice as you roll out your mat day after day. Every part of your life, from the most mundane to the most lofty, also rolls out for your consideration. Every time you practice, you run the risk of having your world turned upside down.

But that's true whether you do yoga or not. At any moment, your life can change forever. Whether you choose to keep this frightening truth in the forefront of your awareness or not, impermanence is a fact of life.

Long ago, yogis recognized this by making nonattachment one of the cornerstones of yogic practice. If you follow the path of yoga, you must be willing to change anything and everything in your life: what you eat, wear, and read; how you perceive, think, and act. To be truly free, somewhere along the line you have to be willing to give up the illusory security of the known and fling yourself into the abyss of the unknown.

Salamba Sirsasana (Headstand) provides an opportunity for experimenting safely with the unfamiliar and the fear it engenders. Headstand can be scary. It literally turns your world upside down. Beginners may become disoriented, unable to tell left from right and top from bottom.
But, as B.K.S. Iyengar says in his section on Sirsasana in Light on Yoga (Schocken, 1995), "The best way to overcome fear is to face with equanimity the situation of which one is afraid." Fortunately, disorientation in Headstand subsides fairly quickly. With regular practice, you can begin to experience the benefits which led the yogis to call Sirsasana the "King of Asanas."

-Yoga Journal

My mission, should I choose to accept it....

God, make me a channel of thy peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
God, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen.

How beautiful is that? So hard to embody but as the Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Virgo nears I feel called back to this beautiful and high truth. I spent the month scurrying around trying to find comfort, I shouted my beliefs at the top of my lungs trying to be understood, I demanded love without being able to give it freely myself. And that was totally what I needed to be doing. I'm a trial and error sort of girl and thankfully life seems to support me in that. It's not like I get one chance to learn these karmic lessons and then it's over. They get brought up again and again and again. Alcoholics are notoriously slow learners so this is a good thing.

I think my recent entry into a more charitable frame of mind is thanks to the classes I took at Jivamukti this weekend. Holy. Sweet. Jesus. My body is sore in places I didn't know I had, and my soul is singing. My heart chakra feels, well, open. Unstruck, as the yogi's say. My heart chakra has really been putting me through it of late. For those that haven't yet, meet your fourth (heart) chakra:

Issues of love, grief, hatred, anger, jealousy, fears of betrayal, of loneliness, as well as the ability to heal ourselves and others are centered in the fourth chakra. From this position in the middle of the body the fourth chakra is the balance between your body and spirit. This chakra is the place where unconditional love is centered. Unconditional Love is a creative and powerful energy that may guide and help us through the most difficult times. This energy is available in any moment, if we turn our attention to it and use it to free us from our limits and fears.

I've been re-reading through my blogs of the last month and nearly all of the work I've been doing as been fourth chakra work. So thank the Heavens, the Earth, and Everything in Between that I finally found a yoga practice that supports that. Jivamukti is the real deal my friends. Right now I have the one week unlimited trial and I want to go every day! After that I have two free class cards which should get me through the weekend and then after that, well, it'll get a little sticky. Let's just say enlightenment is not cheap in this setting. To be able to go four/five times a week will run me about 250 bucks a month. Hmmm.

I think the perfect solution for me will be one that allows a balance between my home practice and the classes. It's just that the classes are so damn good. I feel completely transcended when I walk out of there. I feel depth and gratitude, and most noticeably, gooey giggling uncontrollable and unconditional love. Love for subway seats, love for ex boyfriends, love for questionable haircuts. It's a new sensation and I don't think I'll spend too much time trying to define it, because I'm certain this is supposed to remain a mystery. I'm cool with that, I just want to go deeper into it, you know?

So all of this brings me right back to St. Francis's prayer for peace. I think this call to surrender myself in service is perfectly evocative of the transformation underway in me. I don't need to go anywhere, do anything, be anyone else, to serve. Every day my life gives me countless opportunites to get it. Serve. Understand. Accept.

Anyways, that may look like a bit of a ramble, but it all makes perfect sense in my head. I've been opened to a new consciousness is what I'm trying to tell you. It's lovely and welcome. Maybe I should have said that at the start, eh?

Yours in absolute Yogini bliss,
Ingenue

Yoga School says.....

Ishvara PranidhanaThe Power of Surrender
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
The word "yoga" can be used in two ways: as a noun, or as a verb. In the first instance, yoga refers to our natural state of being in which we no longer identify ourselves with the body and mind, but know ourselves to be the infinite, communal life force that is present within all beings, and all aspects of the universe. It is synonymous with the state of Enlightenment, Samadhi, or God Realization. In it's second use as a verb, the word yoga refers to those practices that will help us to reach this enlightened state of being. Through the goodness and grace of his heart, Sri Patanjali, the wise sage and yoga master, compiled for us the Yoga Sutras in which he expounds on not only the state of Yoga, but the powerful yoga practices that we can use to reach that state within this lifetime! In sutra 1.23, Patanjali gives us a sure-fire way to reach the state of yoga. It is a practice called ishvara pranidhana. Ishvara is a sanskrit word that can be translated to mean supreme, or personal, God. Pranidhana means to dedicate, devote, or surrender. The practice of Ishvara Pranidhana therefore means that if we are able to completely surrender our individual ego identities to God (our own higher self) we will attain the identity of God. If we can dedicate our lives to serving the God that dwells within all other beings, human and non-human alike, we will move beyond all feelings of separateness. If we can say without reservation, "I give You myself: my body, my mind and my heart, to do with as You best see fit," then we will be freed from the stress, anxiety, self-doubt and negative karma that arises from our reliance upon our egos to determine which actions we take in our lives. Ishvara pranidhana will help to cure the afflictions of the mind that cause pain and suffering, as it is designed to redirect our energy away from our selfish desires and personal dramas, and towards the ultimate pursuit of Oneness. So important and powerful is this practice, that Patanjali gives instructions for it on four separate occasions in the Yoga Sutras. And while it is the simplest and most direct method to attain yoga, it is not necessarily an easy practice, or even an attractive option to some. In our modern, western culture, where feelings of separateness and disconnection prevail, often times we pride ourselves on being strong and domineering over others. We are used to our egos calling the shots, and giving us the belief that we are somehow in control of the universe. Because of this, the idea of surrendering is taken to mean something negative, as it implies a sort of weakness, or defeat. An army, for example, might surrender to opposing forces, rendering the opposition the victor. In yoga, however, it is quite the opposite. Victory is attained as we willingly surrender our limited idea of who we are (i.e. our name, our jobs, our problems etc.) and create the space needed to feel our true nature of Self, which is one of limitless and boundless joy. It is like trading in a grain of sand and receiving the whole universe in return. And though it requires great self discipline, trust, and faith to practice ishvara pranidhana, ultimately it will take far more effort to cling to the smallness of the ego then it will to surrender the the higher self. Within a yoga class, there are many ways to practice ishvara pranidhana, and cultivate our ability and willingness to surrender. By continuously offering up our efforts and rewards to something more than just personal gain, we are able to keep ishvara (our own personal form of God) in the forefront of our minds. By putting aside our judgments and criticisms, and following the instructions given to us in class, we learn to more easily take cue from something other than the ego. With each forward bending posture, we bow down to God in some form that has meaning to us, and with each back-bending posture, we offer up our hearts, so that we may carry out the will of the universe with every thought, word and action we take. From this day forward, let us not waste away the moments of our lives consumed with smallness, jealousy, lust, greed and false notions of superiority. Contemplate daily the Supreme attributes of ishvara as you meditate and offer yourself completely as a vehicle for Divine Will. Peace comes when we relinquish the idea that we are the "doer" and allow the infinite to guide us on our way. Let go, and Let God.
- Sofi Dillof, February, 2008

I am in love, in love with the Divine.....

The Nature of Divine Love

I say there is no human love. Human love, when it ceases, is not human! It's not even love! Only spiritual love exists. Place it where you may — on another human being and have a companion, a marriage if you wish, have children if you wish — but don't lose your Godhead in it.
Many a saint has gone through what is called the dark time of the soul. When despair came upon them in their hearts and they felt they were lost in the world of darkness, the saints kept their minds on the razor-edged path which leads to the goal of everlasting love and bliss. You do the same. You do the same.

Keep your mind on that goal of love. Let nothing cheat you of your love, kids. No matter what your relationship in this world. No matter what your life, your business life, your love life. Please don't be cheated of your Godhead in the midst of the world. Those seeking the world, when they come to that stage where there are disappointments, where there are despairs, they put a shield over their hearts and no longer have love flowing through. Their marriages and companionships and friendships and everything fall apart. They should not lose their love for their fellow beings. Haven't you all suffered in the night? I don't think there's one here — maybe a few, I don't know — who has not suffered through human relationships, suffered in the night, had sleepless nights, worried about losing someone, even if it be a member of the family. You can all understand what I am talking about.

-Hilda Charlton

Happy Universal Unabashed Love Day!!!!!!

TUT... A Note from the Universe‏
From:
The Universe (light@tut.ccsend.com) on behalf of The Universe (theuniverse@tut.com)
Sent:
Thu 2/14/08 3:20 AM
Reply-to:
fun@tut.com
To:
xxxx@hotmail.com

Love where you've been. Love where you're at. Love how you think. Love the power you pack. Love all that you seek. Love all that you feel. Love your rocking emotions and the thoughts you make real.
But mostly, amazing Ingenue, I really, really love you in this very moment.
What?
Loving you from every angle - The Universe

Today's Trials

2/13/08
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - Jun 20)
You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love.

This is extremely good news right now, because I have dark places a-plenty swallowing me whole. I nearly relapsed last night, because I didn't pay attention to my higher power and I decided to engage in a conversation with someone who I knew I shouldn't be talking to, period. It brought me nothing but a serious case of the Crazies followed by a life threatening diagnosis of the Fuck Its. But as GSBF talked me back from the ledge (I was about to chug a beer the Weenie previously known as A had left in my refrigerator) I realized that I was going to have to dig deep into the pain right now if I have any hope of staying sober at all. GSBF told me last night that my Inner Alcoholic is dying right now, it's being killed off. And it will do anything to stay alive, like leading me away from my program and into the bed of an angry man. So I have nothing but unknown right now and if looking inward can take me out of this fear and back into my blissful loving state, count me in.

Gemini
For February 13: You are a truth detector today. No matter how cleverly another disguises his or her true motives, you see through the entire thing. You're sophisticated enough to know that this person doesn't want to admit the truth, so you play along but stop short of allowing him or her to harm you in any way. The word 'delusional' comes to mind. You may classify the person in question as delusional - and you're probably right in your assessment. When you're not tiptoeing around another grandiose fantasies that make absolutely no sense, you're privately thinking about a trip you'd love to take - a bona fide escape from your usual routine and stress.

This is true also. I know he's full of shit but I always knew that, really. I just chose to willfully ignore that fact because I wanted to be self-destructive. I need to get more interested in my own abyss and why I keep gravitating towards these misanthropic bastards when things start getting too good in my own life. But honestly, right now I can't fuck around with all the ways the Weenie is fucked up. And that man is fucked six ways from Sunday, but I nearly drank last night. So I'm not doing so hot myself. I need to pray my ass off to make it through all this is one sober piece, because right now I'm scared. Really, really scared.

Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my search for the spark that would be most likely to energize your love life, I found this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I hope that quote inspires you to shed any tendency you might have to wait for the ideal romantic situation to find its way to you. Instead, establish a habit of visualizing in precise detail the kind of love you want to give and receive. Then work on patiently materializing it.

THANK YOU. Seriously, thank you. I agree whole heartedly. And while I'm sorting out the mental wreckage left over from this disastrous coupling, I'll work to keep my heart open with the knowledge of the kind of love I'm capable of. Love that has nothing do with sex, control, or being a punching bag for some sad old man's repressed anger. Self directed, Self possessed, Self Released LOVE.

More than anything I have to find a balance between keeping going and sitting with these scary emotions before they turn into my own repressed anger (and I really don't want to become a female version of the Weenie). Better to feel unstable, crazy, and emotional now and honestly get my recovery on then try and pretend I have it all figured out and end up a basket case, relapsing Girlfriend to another Weenie. I'd rather break this pattern. I'd rather be me. I'd rather be imperfect, erratic, unstable, and LOVED little old me.

Pray for me everyone (Especially you Johno, I like the way your soul works) and don't let me get away with pretending I don't need the help. I DO. I really do.

Marching Onward and Upward through my fear,
Ingenue

October 27, 2008

10/27/07, 10/27/07, 10/27/07

Must remember my sobriety date! Everyone else seems to have there's tatooed on the brain and I just had to do long division to decipher mine. So now I am burning it into my memory, so I can have it handy should anyone ask.

10/27/07, 10/27/07, 10/27/07

I finally have a weekend to my self!

And it's cost me dearly, but I frankly don't care at this point. I have a huge, repeat, HUGE week next week and all I want is time to be self-indulgent, space to be reflective, and good company surrounding me while I let my hair down. I have been far too hard on myself for the past few months and now that I have this new post-eclipse space in my life, I am going to Breathe, Celebrate, and Prepare.



The big things brewing next week are (in no particular order):

• Final interview w/Senior Managment to discuss the new position (and new pay, yeah baby!)
  
• Tibetan House Carnegie Hall Concert Volunteer Meeting (Tuesday)


• Tibetan House Carnegie Hall Concert, itself (Wednesday)


• The Red Party: Sweet Love Hangover a wonderful fundraiser for Big Apple Roundup


• Touring the new Job Site and seeing just how terrible this open air, outside hoist is going to be.

It's a big week. And I have alot of personal cleansing that's overdue as well so I'm trying to remind myself to slow down. It doesn't all have to be figured out and finished right this minute. I do plan of getting my hair done (upstairs and downstairs lol), taking classes at Prana Power Yoga (I need the heat and the spiritual community), shopping for new work clothes and a new dress or five, and lunching with a collection of the loved ones I've been neglecting during the last two months. And meetings! How could I have forgotten the meetings? :)

But it's all flexible. I could take or leave any part of that schedule, it's completely up to me. That's really the most important part, being able to identify and attend to my own needs w/o getting guilt tripped over it. So in reality I'll probably do half of that and spend the rest of my time meditating and eating lots of homemade vegan food.

Which leads me kind of off-topic but I feel it's worth mentioning. I am so tired of eating restaurant vegan food! It's so overpriced, it never tastes as good as what I would make, and I have no control over the ingredients. I can't be sure things are organic, clean, you know. Lately I've been crazy into lentils (always yummy and easy to make extras for lunch) and as always GREEN FLIPPING SMOOTHIES!

I've found that my natural way of eating is really simple, really clean, and fairly inexpensive. I like green smoothies, fresh coconut anything, and a handful of tasty vegan gourmet cooked dishes. Easy Peasy. Throw in plentiful amounts of fresh fruits and veggies and a wee amount of soy and you have my daily nosh. The only time things get complicated is when I try to get everything from restaurants. Food for thought, no?

In conclusion: TGIF. Seriously. I am so appreciative of the R & R. Don't expect any word from me until Monday morning, my loves! I shall be luxuriating....

*muah*

You-know-who

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY........

Dear, sweet Jeebus, did the new moon solar eclipse let me have it yesterday. The entire context of my life changed. Just about every major arena I'm playing in was affected. This morning I'm not even playing the same sport I was playing yesterday. I'm in a whole new league now...

Blow by blow:

Yesterday morning I woke up with more restless rage in me than you could shake a stick at. I had a burning desire to kick puppies, scare small children, and engage in some epic self-mutiliation. This was at 4:30 in the morning, mind you. I made myself some coffee (fairly unnecessary as I was already amped to the heavens) and hit my yoga mat. I managed about 15 minutes of asana before the alien rage beast that was inhabiting my body pulled me out of my practice. I manically paced around my bathroom straightening my hair and fussing over my makeup. Eventually I got on a train and headed into work. The anger hadn't really subsided it just transmuted into this raw, visceral anxiety. Something big was coming, it had to come, something had to change, and my spiritual recognition of this just about unglued me.

I'd love to say my day of living my life as one Giant Exposed Nerve got better, but sadly, it did not. Not until well into the nighttime anyways. The pressure got so bad that around noon I had to make an emergency sobbing phone call to GSBF. I was having recurring fantasies of storming out of the office with both my middle fingers defiantly raised. I was on the verge of nervous collapse because my male co-workers had mocked my vegan lunch choices. In short, the level of emotion I was experiencing was not at all proportionate to the stimuli.

After GSBF had talked me back from the edge I started frantically issuing a series of foxhole prayers to the Almighty. They went something like, "Please God, please, please, please just show me what you want me to do! I feel like a stranger in my own life, I don't fit here anymore, show me where you want me to go! Whatever you want, I'll do it, just take me out of this indecision, please." And wouldn't you know it? My prayers were answered within the hour. You know how they say be careful what you wish for? Well, they ain't lying.

I came back into the office somewhat recovered only to be pulled outside by The Boss. He wanted to keep it short and sweet. He thought it was time for me to move to a new job site, a HUGE job site, a scary job site. A job site where I could really make a name for myself in this topsy turvy world of construction. And you have to decide THIS WEEK and be ready to leave BY THE NEXT, you can handle that Ingenue, can't you?

And there it was. I love my co-workers and they've been good to me, but I'm stagnating on this site. Now that I'm sober there's been no way for me to escape from the realization that something is off with my career path right now. This was the perfect solution. Upward mobility within the same company. No drastic alteration, just progression.

Having said all that, it still scared the holy shit out of me. The anxiety that had been torturing me all day picked up speed and like a swarm of bees gathering together to attack, my Tension swooped in for the kill. My head popped and the only thought I was capable of realizing was, "I. Am. Going. To. Drink."

I wanted everything to slow down, I wanted a guarantee, I wanted some comfort dammit! And the only guarantee I have in my life is what happens when I drink. Everything turns to caca. Nasty, but true and unchanging.

I didn't drink. I hauled my shaking ass to a meeting and held on to my folding chair with both hands. I sat through my fear, my anxiety, my character flaws. I shared about them, I exposed them to the lights, I accepted them, and they dissolved. The whole group of us seemed to be going through similar sorts of emotional displacement (THANK YOU ECLIPSE) and the healing underway in that room was palpable. I was so grateful to be there, I was so grateful to be me, I didn't want to hide from my life anymore. I made it through to the other side and left with peace and strength that were every bit as powerful as my rage and anxiety had been in the morning.

So, here I am, pruning the dead weight from my life. It's painful and scary sometimes, but so rewarding. The reward? Getting to be me, obviously! Getting to live surrounded by this much love and support, finding the strength inside me to things I never would have dreamed of doing a year ago. This time in my life, like everything else, is beautiful and temporary. It won't be here forever, I need to savor it while it's available. I am not going to let fear drag me away from my precious experience.....and for that, Thank You Eclipse! I appreciate it more than you know....

Nothing but love,
Ingenue