I needed that.

"Put it down."

"No."

"Put it down Ingenue."

"No."

"Put it down and engage! You're isolating and you know it!"

I did in fact know that I was isolating, but I could hardly be bothered seeing as I had just gotten my ipod back that morning. I hadn't played a game of ipod solitaire in weeks and past that? I really didn't feel like bonding with other drunks at that moment. Sorry.

The person pointing out my lack of engagement was my Gay Sober Best Friend (known hereafter as GSBF) and he had a valid point although I wasn't ready to acknowledge it. There were plenty of good reasons not to be in an AA meeting right then and I was trying not to stand up and walk out. If ipod solitaire helps me win that battle then let me stack my aces bro. For starters it was 55 degrees in the middle of January. It was so beautiful! People were wandering around wearing nothing but their spring hoodies and unreasonably happy smiles. I had a fully charged ipod loaded up with newly downloaded music and it seemed only right that I be one of the happy souls wandering NYC as well. But no. I am an Alcoholic which means I have to attend AA meetings to discuss the fact that I am an Alcoholic if I want to keep my sexy self sober. No fresh air for me, no sir.

Also, the meetings of late have been dull, dull affairs. No matter how much I try to be still, listen, and learn I find my mind resenting the reality of recovery. (Check out my illiteration today!) Alcoholics tend to have very similar life stories. In the beginning this fact makes it really easy to identify with other Alcoholics thereby recognizing your own disease. Now that I've gotten my little piece of sobriety though, it's getting repetitive. So on this fine, breezy evening I just gave up trying to pretend like I was anything other than bored with A.A. And wouldn't you know it? It worked.

The second the speaker walked up to the podium I knew she was the real deal. Her easy urban/surfer swagger caught my full attention. Bye, bye distraction. Hello presence! Her story was the same as everyone else's but it was so hers that I couldn't help being completely engrossed. With honesty, humour, and depth she revealed which Alchoholic camp she fell into. See, recovering drunks can really only be divided into two categories. Those Who Relapse and Those Who (blessedly)Don't. She had lived through her share of relapses and was fervently praying to be spared any more. Most of us are relapsers because this is a disease defined by relapse. That's what alcohol addiction is. It's picking up a drink even though you know it might kill you. It's an unnatural compulsion to destroy yourself, literally obliterate your being. She knew this all too well. As she shared about how much relapsing took from her a giant cosmic lightbulb fired off exactly two inches above my head.

This is my first time in the rooms, as they say. This is my first stab at recovery so I've not yet experienced the heartache of relapse. Listening to her, I realized that I was slipping into a smugness in my sobriety. I've been doing so well lately that I've been letting myself forget that I am an Alcoholic and relapse is part of the package for me. De-prioritizing my recovery leaves me wide open for disaster. I don't have to force a spiritual epiphany in every meeting, but I do have to show up so the epiphanies can find me.

GSBF and I left at the break to scope another meeting (a meeting which I love btw. They always have coffee and snacks and everyone is happy, mostly gay, and very well dressed) and I took off w/o thanking her. So I'm doing it now. Cheers chica. You made me laugh and opened my heart and mind so I could learn a little bit more about myself. You kept me sober for one more day and it means the world to me. Congrats on your one year back and here's to 15 more.

xoxo I.I.