Nobody's perfect, right?

This life is so relentlessly perfect. There are no mistakes. Ever. Last night I heard someone say. "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous" and that's true too. Every precious little thing that happens is part of a larger plan. The endgame is enlightenment. The comings and goings of day to day existence are all vehicles to get you there. To that extent, nothing can ever be judged "good" or "bad" because it's all the same. It's all God trying to reveal itself to you. And if nothing can ever be bad than there is never a reason to panic, worry, or freak out. It's all perfect! It's exactly what you need when you need it.

Having said all that, on Sunday night I freaked the fuck out. I think it might have been building up in me but it's hard to pinpoint. Suffice it to say on Sunday night it was unwittingly revealed to me that I was in the same household as an herbal (and illegal) substance that isn't necessarily an addiction for me but remains on the no-no list. Nobody was smoking it, it wasn't in plain sight, and no one would have dreamt of offering it to me. Still, just the knowledge I was trapped, TRAPPED!, in the same house as something I wanted but couldn't have sent me spiralling. I lost my shit. I started frantically pacing back and forth collecting all of my belongings. My mind was racing as I dreamed up ways to beat a hasty retreat and get the hell up out of there. And my body, dear god, my body. I was consumed with such visceral, physical longing that I actually started to tear up with the ache. A was on hand to witness the whole event and couldn't understand what was going on. I wasn't really in the place to explain it to him either. All I could do is silently cry and shake until my words came back to me. But even then, my explanations were pretty feeble seeing as I didn't fully understand this turn of events myself.

Eventually I calmed down and made it home sober and in one piece. I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. It shook me to the core to know that my disease was that freaking close to me. I've been doing so well! I'm in a functional relationship, I blow dry my hair every morning. I do yoga and I wax poetic on my brand new blog. Why the hell would the thought of a bong toke that didn't even exist reduce me to that sort of junkie scrambling?

The answers were quick and certain to the questions I asked. How many meetings did you go to this week? 2 and 1/2. What priority level is your sobriety at right now? Neck and neck with total enlightenment yet sadly just underneath fitting into my 29" waist jeans. Do you really have to ask the question? No. Do you you know why you were freaking out? Yup.

I've known this was coming. I've been seeing it strolling up to me a long way off but I didn't heed my Higher Self's warning. I let my guard down, I slipped into my natural semi-conscious state. And then my disease let me have it. Which really was, the perfect thing to have happened.

I woke up Monday morning with new resolve and clarity. I did my yoga and my mind was quiet. My body was burning, but my head didn't even try to fight it. Nothing else that day went according to plan. The internet connection in my office was down so we were all dead in the water. My co-horts were reading papers and sighing in their boredom. I pulled out Happy Yoga and started highlighting all the point I found relevant in that moment. Pretty soon everyone else had vacated to greener pastures and I was alone in the office. Suddenly I knew I had to something I really didn't want to do. Something I had been avoiding since I got sober. I had to 9th step my divorce attorney who hasn't been paid since he took the case. I had to call him and make direct amends for my transgressions. Even though a vortex of willingness had opened up in me I was still panicked by the thought. I did not want to hear whatever he had to tell me about myself. But I knew I had to hear it.

It went better than I expected! I dealt with it. I apologized and told him honestly that I had been in recovery and was still trying to put all the financial pieces back together after my boozy spending past. He told me that he would finish my case with no prejudice, we could work out the money later, and I was not a horrible deviant person.

Afterwards I felt a peace I don't think I have EVER experienced before in my life. It lasted all day long. I went to two meeting, I shared about my findings, I soaked up the wisdom and love around me. 'Twas truly a lovely, luscious day.

Cut to this morning when I am pretty much returned to my normal state of anxiety. Something weird is going on with A and I and it's not fun. My work email has been accidentally deleted which has of course convinced me that I've been fired and nobody let me know. My ego is desperately trying to convince me to buy into it's shenanigans. But I know what I felt yesterday and I know it was true. There's a part of me that isn't affected by any of this. There's a part of me that's gorgeous and still, beautiful and unchanging. I just can't find it right now because my mind is distracting me. But if I let all of this be EXACTLY as it is, it too shall pass. And after all of that foolishness, there I'll be.

See? Perfect.
Ingenue