I knew it, but I won't say I told you so.

Who likes astrology? I do! I do! I like astrology so much that I pretty much schedule my life around it's calls. No, I don't stay at home in bed if the NY Post horoscope tells me doom is a'coming. I'm far more progressive than that. I read 4 or 5 different horoscopes for the day, pick out the one I like best, and then devotedly adhere to it's wisdom.

Seriously, I think astrology offers a lot of wisdom. I've been drawn to the idea of divine, cosmic patterns since I can remember. I was raised by a young mother who had a bit of a Cosmopolitan fetish. Our favorite time of year was when the January issue came out with the requisite Bedside Astrologer. Oh the joy! It told me the colors I should wear for the year to insure romantic success. As an uncertain yet precocious eight year old I found this information to be crucial. I had a much harder time decoding what the all-knowing B.A. meant by, "You will find new ways to stimulate you lover between the sheets. Meow!" I mean, hey, I was eight. I planned quite a few misguided sleep-overs because of copy like that.

But I digress. The point is my love of astrology grew with me over the years. It deepened and matured and now I'm pretty much an unofficial expert.

Which is why I was as surprised as anybody to realize that I was smack-dab in the midst of my Saturn Return and I didn't even realize it. The Saturn Return is not something that you see in your average daily, weekly, or monthly horoscopes. Your Saturn Return happens every 29 1/2 years when Saturn returns to the sign it was in when you were born. Saturn Returns are notoriously brutal. People lose jobs, homes, and leave relationships. If you are not living authentically Saturn will do his damndest to force you into a more honest path for your 3rd decade of life. It is everyone's coming of age and it starts when your 28 and ends when your 30 and some change. Sound familiar? No one can escape it and resistance is futile.

Figuring out where Saturn is in your birth chart is pretty much decoding your life's purpose, crusades, and obstacles. Now don't freak out on me, there's some wiggle room and of course you are an individual and all that shit. But there is an underlying astrological flavor to anyone's mission and here's mine:

Saturn in Virgo Issues and Traits:

• perfectionism
• mental and physical health
• preventive and alternative healthcare
• mind body connection
• service
• whose slave are you? and it's correlate, you are only as good as the master you serve
• digestive disorders, anorexia, bulimia, diarrhea, Chron's disease
• soul mates
• chaos and order
• compulsive disorders
• psychosomatic illness
• nerves and hyper sensitivity
• refined intellect
• ability to focus
• seeing the parts and the whole

Oh. My. Holy. Jesus. This perfectly describes, nay, mandates! the chaos that my life has been dissolving into since Fall of last year. To be fair, the alcoholism had been steadily growing worse for years leading up to the break. But the Do or Die, Now or Never, Somebody Save Me or I'm Out energies of September, October, and since perfectly match my Saturn Return.

My entire life essentially boils down to my struggle to eradicate my self-destructive tendencies and addictions. I am an addictive personality to the third power. I feel like I was a born with a tattoo on my heart that said; if some is good then more is better and if you can't have it all, Fuck It. I can become addicted to absolutely anything. And the core of my addiction is always the same. I convince myself that I am deeply broken and flawed and my addiction will make me whole. If I can't be whole by way of my addiction then I won't be able to live at all. And even if I could live without the object of my obsession, what would be the point?

This state of affairs has left me pretty shaken. I have never in my adult life known what it was like to live in a physical/mental state that wasn't chemically altered somehow. Giving up the doozies Alcohol and Drugs is a huge step forward but I feel like I have so much more to do. Lately I have been harrassed by constant fantasies of a perfect raw vegan diet, a disciplined and devoted Yoga practice, and a clean and purified home (metaphor for my body, my temple. Get it?). Basically a life of commitment, contentment, peace, and purity. Cleansed. Sweet smelling.

This couldn't be further from my current mode of operation. I'm one foot in, one foot out and its driving me out of my shit. I no longer drink or drug, but I smoke like a chimney and my caffiene consumption borders on psychotic. I prefer Raw Foods above all else but seem to be completely incapable of getting myself into the routine of: a. cleaning my kitchen (nuclear levels of filth there) and b. buying my groceries in a regular of enough fashion to keep myself in produce. I mean, I'm getting there, and if I just snapped my fingers and made it happen overnight it would hardly feel like lasting growth, would it? This is 13 years of habitual destruction I'm transforming. It's going to take a minute.

Overall, I'm just pleased as punch that I'm finally getting on with it, you know? I feel ready to answer this call. While the process isn't always pleasant, it's liberating. The dead weight is being released. I am coming ever closer to serving this world with grace instead of draining it with my constant tragedies. Whatever that costs me, I'll gladly pay. Totally worth it.

I.I.