The best laid plans...

Why, why is it so hard for me to surrender my will? I might as well be asking why I was born a Gemini instead of a mountain goat. I get the idea that this is the main struggle of every one in life. I'm starting to think this is why the Bible makes such a big deal out of the whole GOD gave MAN free will part. God gave us free will so we could choose to freely give it back. "No thanks Big Guy! I'd much rather you make the decisions. It's so messy deciding for myself!"

I'm a funny girl but it's kind of the case. When I was left at the mercy of my will I was a sniveling, alcoholic mess who was becoming well acquainted with death-defying blackouts. My choices were questionable at best. And even worse they didn't even feel like my choices. It felt like some alien being was puppeteering me, pulling my strings to make me hurt myself. With no conscious effort from me. Which is exactly what was happening, really. I was deeply unconscious and my pain body was tossing me around. That was so deep of me! Holy hell, I should get 35 gold stars for making that connection. Anywho...

In Dry, A Memoir Augusten Burroughs wrote something that stuck with me even before I got sober. It went along the lines of: If something feels safe, warm, and comfortable it's probably the Alcoholic choice. If it feels terrifying, unnerving, and completely unlike you it's the first Healthy choice you've ever made. I am trying to live by this doctrine right now because, well, it works. What I want, what I am attracted to, what my ego craves all of that equals self annihilation. So when there's something I really WANT to do, I try and do the opposite.

I'm not always successful. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I just click along satisfying myself out of habit. But there are a few areas where I've been able to reset my desires and I'm proud of that.

1. Chugging Green Smoothies like they're going out of style. This one was actually quite easy, seeing as Green Smoothies are nearly as addictive as whiskey to me. And thank the heavens for that! I can't think of one single thing that has aided my biological healing more. Embracing sobriety is completely different when you're properly nourished.

2. Waking up in the morning (EARLY IN THE MORNING) to do yoga and be on time for work. It may not seem like a lot to you, but this was ruining my life. I was late every single morning since drying out. Starting your day like that makes being sober suck. Thanks to constant prayer, a loving boyfriend, and a cleverly placed alarm clock I now wake up at 5 in the morning like a normal person.

3. Morning Yoga! Yes! Yes! Yes! It is changing my life. I had to establish a moderate and consistent practice and I knew it. For me this meant committing to at least 30 minutes a day of asana. My tendency is to ignore my practice for weeks on end and then spend four days attempting to fast while doing yoga for 73 hours straight. Not fun! I want a loving yoga practice and that is what I'm uncovering with the help of my new found friends Routine and Discipline.

4. I'm doing my steps! I've started on the Step One reading and almost of all The Doctor's Opinion is highlighted green with my identification. I'm working through Bill's story now, and GSBF (my step sponsor) and I will start working that shit. Yes. Thank you Jesus (it's ironic when I say it, when my little sister says it she's completely earnest)! I'm scared but I know I need this. I am so on my Pink Cloud right now and I will do everything in my power to make it through this inexplicable joy w/o relapsing.

5. I am telling the bf the truth and nothing but when it comes to my aversions, fears, and feelings. Most recently this became necessary when I had to admit that I was risking my colon health to avoid going #2 in his bathroom. Please don't ask me why, I know I'm a headcase. This is where I'm still most likely to backtrack. For obvious reasons.

So there's still a lot more work to be done. I still isolate when I feel wounded. I still avoid scary life responsibilities. Right now I am diligently avoiding my divorce attorney's calls because I owe him money. However my final divorce trial date has been set, so it's probably in my best interests to speak with him. And yet. A frightening glimpse into the workings of an alcoholic mind, no?

Te amo mucho,
Ingenue