It's come and gone, just like that. I, my dear friends, made my 90 days. I am no longer counting days. I am well esconced in my recovery. 90 days is a pretty big hallmark for a drunk. It's your first sober anniversary to begin with. It also marks the time after which an AA can begin qualifying in meetings. On my "official" 90th day, I qualified at my sponsor's meeting and it was lifechanging. I have no earthly idea what I said, lol. It all kind of poured out of me in one great, heartfelt rush. I do know that whatever I had planned to say vacated my mind as I sat there to share. I spent alot more time than I thought I would talking about my childhood and adolescence. I'm glad I did, I feel lighter now.
One thing that really surprised me is that I discussed my rape. Just to get it out of the way, when I was 15 I was walking home drunk from a bar (where I had no business being in the first place) when two guys that had been at the bar drove up alongside me and offered me a ride. I declined, they insisted, I got in the car, I was raped. I can barely remember the months that followed to tell you the truth, I was in a complete psychic blackout. I don't know how I survived that, as young as I was. I don't know how I managed to keep quiet about it, big as my mouth is. Big as my pain was, I'll never know how I managed to keep going. What I do know is that my addictions were off to the races after that event. At the tender age of 15, I had discovered my one true calling in this life: complete and utter self-annihilation.
I hadn't meant to discuss my rape but I am so incredibly glad I did. After my qualification no less than four other women shared about their own sexual traumas and even the men in the room had identified. Can you say majorly healing? I've never experienced something like that before, it's changed me to the core.
What's funny is that in all of that sharing the one thing I didn't really talk about is my drinking! It honestly slipped my mind, I talked about everything else under the sun and luckily the room was wonderfully indulgent in this regard. They've been through this before. I am not the only newbie who felt the need to show off battle scars in their first qualification. However, wiser woman than myself promised me that this will pass and with time I will be able to qualify about my alcoholism w/o all the sentimentality.
With all the gratitude in the world for my amazing home group,
Ingenue
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Its stories like this which give me another reminder how truly blessed we are to have the toools of the program and a fellowship like we do.
Where else could you discuss stuff like this, help other people at the same time, and discuss it after in such a matter of fact way. Without everyone after going "oohh I didnt realise, that must have been awful and gushing a load of pity over us"
I love the fellowship cos it is so accepting and helps us to accept the past, without forgetting it, and to learn to live in the solution.
We ALL have battle scars of somekind, ALL of us, in AA I found mine to be no worse nor lesser than other peoples, just different.
I am glad you saw how your EXPERIENCE can help others.
for someone to be able to say Me too for maybe the first time ever? is such a gift
The gift of experience strength and hope is Gold
Good post.
Recovery Love amd cosmos kisses to you toooooo
Post a Comment