Well hello there!

Long time no speak, eh? I've had plenty to say yet no real concrete way to say it lately. My life experience has been exceeding my current vocabulary (which is saying A LOT. My grammar may be shit, but my lexicon is above reproach).

Let's see, what is going on with me? Hmmm. Well I'm no longer counting days. I hit my 90 and I am now officially a qualifying alcoholic. I qualified for the first time on my 90th day at my home group meeting, which was also being chaired by GSBF! How perfect is that? Well for me, that's really the only word. Perfect. It was w/o flaw. One of the most amazing things that I've ever done and again, the words to do it justice are simply escaping me.

I look around and I cannot believe the life I'm living right now! I am surrounded by some of the most amazing souls you could imagine. Hilarious, ferociously loving, enlightened beings who simultaneously push me higher into trancendence while grounding me in my delightful present. (Told you I had the lexicon, WHAT?!?!). I come to work and my most beloved boss (hereafter referred to as The Boss) breaks my balls and then makes me laugh uncontrollably. I go upstairs to pick up a green smoothie from Elixir and comment on my juicer girl's Tibetan tattoos. Smiles and yummy raw foods all around. I go to my meeting after work to mix, mingle, and recover with GSBF and the BabyGirl and the Oldtimers and the ex-junkie fashionistas, and let us never forget the reformed rent boys. I look around and think, "Who knew my alcoholism would lead me here?" I feel lucky and blessed. And then I go home and call up A and pinch myself to think this amazing man is all mine. An hour or so of spiritual philosophy peppered with phone sex later, I'm off my celly and into my bed.

This is the life. It's the good shit. What I always dreamt was possible. So why do I feel lingering hints of depression, just waiting to eat my ass up? Easy answer. Even though my external life is glowing, my internal self needs all of the care, attention, love, and focus I can spare right now. So it's a good thing A's been so into Happy Yoga lately, because his unknowing intervention just saved my booty.

In Happy Yoga, Steve Ross has little "Reccommended Supplements" sections at the end of each chapter. In one of these sections he gives a major shout out to SAMe, an amino acid known to serve as a potent anti-depressant. I don't think I've mentioned this before but my lover is a supplement junkie. Seriously, the boy is a big time pill popper. He pops L-Glutamine instead of valium but it's still funny to watch him guzzle handfuls of vitamins. So the SAMe deal was right up A's alley and on the next weekend we were out he got some. Two bottles for him and one for me. Thinking that my moods could definitely use a boost (like anybody's right?) I started taking them. Whoa. Whoahhh. What the...?

Within three days I felt the most bizarre shift in mind state I've ever had. Now I have no real experience with SSRI's so I couldn't give you a comparison. What I do know is this: I had been battling the blues for no real reason and all of the sudden, I wasn't anymore. It was just lifted from my mind. It wasn't until my mental had elevated that I realized that I was struggling a lot more that I had previously thought.

But isn't that always how depression works? You think the lethargy will pass, you discount the difficulty you have getting out of bed. You don't want to shower and take care of yourself, but you try to put it out of your head. Before the big bad D-word occurs to you, you're more likely to convince yourself that you are inherently lazy. A creature of sloth and low will power, if you will.

But now, I am reformed. I'm happy to have the help and everything in my life is benefitting from it. My appetite has normalized (I'm an outrageous emotional eater), my anxiety is WAY down, and my appreciation for all that is? It's on the rise. I can deal with life's little nasties now and I can revel in it's pleasures. Of course no pill, chemical or otherwise can heal you on it's own. But I was doing everything else I could think of to combat my depression. So now, I will gladly accept the help. I'm going to keep doing the work all by my onesie and let the revolution roll.....

Happy, Happy, Well.

Ing-e-nue